Helter Skelter
by Masami Aomame
Summary: We are all fighting our own demons. (Modern AU)
1. Intrusion

**_Please feel free to enjoy this fic the way you feel comfortable. I write out of my love for SasuSaku and I deliberately post them on a free platform. You don't OWE me any follows/favourites/reviews. I'm very thankful you even gave my fic a chance, I hope you enjoy it._**

* * *

 _ **Note:** To old readers who read this entire fic when I first published it, in case you missed my note, I'm re-posting this fic since I don't think the writing is good enough. I'm sorry for spamming your alerts with notifications when you've already read this story but it really bothers me. So, I'll be posting the twenty-five chapters and then I'll add an epilogue with baby Sarada. Take it as my apology._

* * *

Crowded places aren't where one would normally find me.

It makes me suffocate. It has happened several times. I'm standing in the middle of a crowd, suddenly I can't breathe properly and feel dizzy. And the next thing I know is that someone in the crowd is holding me, anxious faces of unknown people staring at me, everyone asking me if I'm okay, offering me cold water and a place to sit. Everyone's undivided attention focused towards me.

And here is the main issue.

I hate attention.

And I already get enough of it thanks to my pink hair. Well, I love my unique and pretty hair colour. But, I try my hardest to not give people any additional reason to gawk at me. Therefore, I avoid going to crowded places if I can help it.

Today, I couldn't.

I mean, I could if I really wanted to but I don't expect such an opportunity to come ever again in my whole life.

Today, Hatake Kakashi is coming to our college. Yes, the legendary tennis prodigy, that Hatake Kakashi. The person I've been admiring the most since I was seven, that Hatake Kakashi. The person I consider my hero, my god, my I-don't-know-what-else, that Hatake Kakashi. He's coming to my college and I will _not_ let go of my once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch him in flesh even if I have to pay with my life for it.

Hence, here I am. In the middle of a huge crowd. Not exactly in the middle though. Since I was so excited, I actually skipped my classes and arrived here at 10 am. So, I'm among the lucky ones who got to sit in the front row. What I don't know is why on earth Ino skipped her classes to do exactly the same thing when she has zero interest in Kakashi. Or tennis in general.

Whatever, I'm getting impatient. It's 3:15 now, Kakashi is supposed to arrive at 4:00. Then he's expected to play a friendly match against the college's prevailing tennis champion, Uchiha Sasuke. And suddenly it occurs to me. _He_ might be the reason Ino is here.

Ino is a huge admirer of Uchiha Sasuke. And that has more to do with his appearance than his talent for tennis.

"You all right, Forehead?"

I was so deep in my thoughts, I don't get her question.

"What do you mean?"

"You aren't suffocating, are you?"

Ah, about that.

I don't go around telling people about it, but she happened to find out because I once passed out while we were taking a train together. But I don't mind. Moreover, her knowing actually comes handy at times when she's prowling for a companion for her expedition of those crazy sales she's a huge fan of. I can simply blame it on the crowd and be excused.

"No, I'm fine. I'm not passing out before seeing Kakashi," I grin.

"Yes, yes, I know. You and your obsession with that old man. I'm here for Uchiha Sasuke," she gives a proud smile although I don't have any idea what she can possibly be so proud of.

"I guessed it."

"Makes sense. Even you know that not all nineteen year old girls are into men in their thirties," she teases me with a twisted smile.

"I'm not into him in _that_ sense, Ino. You know that. I admire him, I respect him a lot, I'm crazy for him, but I don't get hot and heavy thinking about him like you might do when it comes to Uchiha Sasuke."

Ino was about to say something when suddenly the crowd comes to life. Everyone starts shouting and cheering and it takes me a few moments to figure out the exact scenario.

The legend himself, Uchiha Sasuke, has made his appearance on the court. Ino joins the crowd in their shouting. I sigh. I'm getting bored. I want to see Kakashi and no one else. But clearly most people don't feel the same.

I take a look around me. All these people, so excited to see him, _the_ Uchiha Sasuke. Is he really that talented?

I've only seen him a few times in my seventeen months of college life. And it has always been accidental, always from a distance, and always lasting less than a second. Today I can observe him properly from my front row seat. And I decide to make good use of this opportunity since I have nothing better to do anyway.

I have to admit, he's good looking. But what strikes me is something else. There's this thing about him. His aura. Like I've only been watching him for ten minutes. But I can already say for sure that _this guy is a mess_.

Here's the thing about damaged people: they know their kin.

They might've been forever successful in guarding their secrets from the whole world. But present them in front of someone of their own species, and their little game of hide and seek will be over in an instant. It's not possible to find out all the details of course. But the cause hardly matters, since it's the effect that shows in the eyes.

And I can see it in the eyes of the famous Uchiha Sasuke. The very look I got so familiar with over my years of staring at the mirror.

Suddenly my chain of thoughts gets disrupted because the crowd goes gaga once again and as I look at the court I can see why.

Not Kakashi, but I know the person who has appeared on the court.

Uzumaki Naruto. The other tennis legend of this college. His rivalry with Uchiha Sasuke already being regarded as one of the greatests in the history of Konoha University. And although I've never watched either of them play, I know that KU is bustling with talented youngsters, no matter which field. So, to think that it was two first year students who made it to the final, they must be really good at this.

Last year I heard a lot about their epic five set battle in the final. And I've also heard rumors about how people are anticipating a repeat of that this year as well. And as I watch these two on court right in front of my eyes, I decide that this year, if it's the two of them again, I'd try to make time to watch the final.

But right now, all I want to see is Kakashi. I'm getting impatient. It's 4:10 already. Given how much he's revered around the globe, I had expected him to be on time, but why on earth is he late? My frustration is multiplying with every extra minute of waiting I'm having to go through. Ugggh!

Sasuke and Naruto go for a warm up. Except, a warm up is supposed to be more relaxed, more casual, and I can tell that these two are anything but casual. They're going at it like it's another final where only the winner takes the cup.

From the reaction of the crowd, I can tell that when it comes to fan girls, Sasuke definitely wins. I wonder why. Naruto is no less talented than Sasuke and he, too, is good looking in my opinion. Of course with different type of charms.

Whatever, I don't care. I decide to focus on the game.

Naruto hits a strong forehand sending the ball towards the side of the court where we are sitting, obviously hoping for a winner. But Sasuke, who was standing near the other sideline, refuses to give in and makes a run like his life depends on it. And he still misses by a whisker but fails to stop his motion. What was it called again? Something like moment of inertia I assume, screw physics classes!

And before I have enough time to register everything in my brain, he has reached the end of the court and has crossed the boundary of the gallery and has almost collided with me but thankfully he's able to stop himself before it comes to that.

The crowd goes insane, all the girls around us start shouting like crazy at the sight of their beloved Uchiha Sasuke.

And I'm looking at him. Completely taken aback, still trying to process it all, my heart hitting against my ribs so fast and so hard that it's almost hurting. But all I know at the moment is two jet black eyes. Staring right back at me. I can roughly figure that there's a guy of around six feet looming over my sitting form. But all I can focus on is those eyes. And for some reason, they refuse to leave mine.

A few seconds pass or maybe a few minutes for I have no idea, then he straightens up in front of me, his gaze turns let's say _less -intruding_ for lack of better words, and he smirks a little.

"Excuse me," is his curt apology and the next thing I know is he's back on the court again. And that's when I realise I had been holding my breath throughout the course of this entire episode.

People around me start talking, unable to hide the excitement in their voices and Ino says something too. But all I can think about is those intense, dark eyes.

For the first time in three weeks since Kakashi's visit was announced, I'm too occupied to think about Kakashi.

* * *

When I'm on court, there's one absolute rule I never fail to abide by. Always focus my entire being on the point I'm playing.

It could be my match point. Winning it might mean that victory is finally mine. Or it could be my opponent's match point. Losing it might secure my failure. And the trick is to go for it with the same hunger in both the cases. No matter what the scoreboard is displaying, no matter whose name the spectators are shouting, no matter what's happening in the world around me, all I'm allowed to care about is the point.

A simple rule.

And I've always been pretty good at following this. So, when Naruto's forehand sends the ball towards the other sideline, I run for it with everything I've got. It's a reflex. I see a ball, I chase it.

But I miss anyway.

It happens. Doing your best doesn't necessarily ensure success. But you still have to try because not doing so definitely ensures failure. But today, by doing my best I find myself in a bizarre situation. Before I know it, I'm in the gallery, barely managing to prevent a collision with the person occupying the seat in front of me.

After recovering from the initial shock, I find it pretty amusing, I must say. I know what most of the girls are here for. I've grown up with fan girls drooling over me. And I've pretty much learnt to ignore them. But it really infuriates me when they come to my matches for the sole purpose of hitting on me. It's insulting. When I'm on court, I'm a tennis player. And I want people to see me as one.

But no, they have the audacity to appear here to ogle me because apparently stalking me on the campus isn't enough. Even now, I can feel the crowd around me going insane.

But there are these two wide eyes of the brightest shade of green staring at me. Completely startled, of course. Hell I myself am at my wit's end. But I know for sure that she isn't here to have sexual fantasies about me.

I don't know who she's here for. Me or Naruto or Kakashi, but the one thing I know for sure is that she's here for the sake of the game. This beautiful game that I've loved since I was a little kid.

This cancels out some of the bitterness I was feeling. It makes me somewhat happy. And I can't help a little smirk.

"Excuse me," I apologise to her and then go back to the court. To the game.

.

.

.

Hatake Kakashi is nothing like I expected him to be. He arrives forty minutes late, almost getting on my nerves. But there's nothing I can do about it. So, I find salvation in the fact that he at least arrives. Better late than never.

I admire him. Of course I do. He's one of the greatest talents this game has ever witnessed. The entire world accepts it without any question. So, getting to see him in person definitely excites me even though I don't show it much. And he also seems like a really considerate person. Seeing Naruto on the court, he insists that instead of playing one full match with me, he'd like to play a one set match with each of us.

Fair enough. To be honest, I prefer it better. For more than anyone, _I_ am aware that when it comes to opportunities like this, Naruto deserves no less than me.

And he seems extremely easy-going. By the time we're about to start our one set match, I'm already starting to question whether he's taking this with any seriousness at all. I swear I've never faced an opponent who looked as less motivated as him. But as soon as the match starts, his attitude goes through a one hundred and eighty degree change. Finally granting me the feeling of playing against one of the best players in the world.

After winning against me 7-5, Kakashi goes for his second match without Naruto without taking a break. And I stay on the court, acting partly as a ball boy. But mostly, just enjoying the match.

And suddenly, my eyes fall upon her. Haruno Sakura from the Department of Arts. The girl with pink hair and green eyes I literally _ran into_ earlier.

And I can finally understand why she's here today. For Kakashi. I can see it from the way her eyes follow his every movement. Full of admiration. And I see her wiping away tears with her sleeves.

She must be a really big fan of him.

.

.

.

When the announcement is made that the students can now come up ahead and ask for Kakashi's autograph, there instantly is a chaos.

I study the scenario across the table from my stool behind Kakashi. People jostling to get to him. Everyone needs his autograph regardless of how little they actually care about tennis or Kakashi. Because hey, he's one of the greatest players on planet earth and his autograph definitely is something they can show off later.

Then I see Sakura. Standing at the back, not managing to get into the battleground in front of her. Holding onto something that looks like a folder.

Poor girl. I know she truly admires him. She really deserves to get his autograph. But sadly, there's no law in the world to ensure that everyone gets what they deserve.

Why didn't the management do a better job? I bet even Kakashi is finding this bothersome. It's an utter mess. They should've made them wait in a queue or something. This is no way of asking someone for his autograph. I swear if it was me, I'd have just left. But like I said before, Kakashi is a considerate person and he bears with it while maintaining his politeness.

I watch Sakura. Clad in a light lavender coloured dress with long sleeves. Hair tied into a loose braid and an intimidated expression in her green eyes as she looks at the crowd in front of her. I don't know her in person, but I know who she is. First of all, that pink hair is one of its kind. So, once I had laid my eyes on her, there was no forgetting. And it's not like I made extra efforts to remember her name. But her name sounds like it exists to justify that unique colour of her hair. So, once I had heard it, I didn't forget that either. And she has her own fair share of fan boys.

For example, Naruto himself was quite smitten by her initially. Often blabbering about her. But then he kind of accepted his failure without ever really trying anything.

And an interesting fact about Sakura is: be it Naruto, be it Lee from the Martial Arts Department, be it any of her other fanboys, the stories they have to tell are always about her artistic achievements. Always. She just won this competition, someone just praised her artistic skills at a certain event, her art just got featured in this magazine, blah blah blah. When it comes to her personal life, the only major information they have to offer is that for whatever reason, she doesn't live in the students' dorm since she can regularly be seen coming to and leaving the campus.

She spends most of her time in her department, focusing on her art I suppose. She doesn't even come to the cafeteria regularly. And when she does, she's always with her small circle of friends, none of whom agree to leak any information about her. Whether it's because they too know nothing about her, or because they're too loyal as friends, I have no idea. But what I know is that the scarcity of her personal information in the market of her fan boys is not from lack of trying. And since she continues to remain such an enigmatic existence, she continues to be worshiped like some sort of a deity. Tragically out of everyone's reach.

I, however, am too busy living my own life. I don't have either the time or the intention of fantasising about any pink haired dream girl. I have my own goals in life to achieve.

So, this actually is my first time looking at her properly. Before, it has always been accidental glances. And I finally notice it. _She does look pretty_. But I give zero damn about good looks. So, the bottom-line is: I don't care. But I find it interesting that today I learnt something about Haruno Sakura, the person. That she's a fan of Hatake Kakashi. For now, this much is more than enough. There's no need to fuss over the fact that those green eyes of hers clearly tell stories of what I can address as a _convoluted past_.

Exactly like I had expected, the autograph session has to be cut short due to extreme disorder. And unfortunately, Sakura doesn't succeed in getting one. I see the sad look in her eyes when she leaves the place.

.

.

.

Kakashi talks casually, mainly to Naruto while we guide him through our department. It's after we're done and sitting in a locker room when Naruto asks him for an autograph. He complies. Seeing that, I do something I never could have imagined myself doing in a hundred years.

"May I get one as well?"

Kakashi looks at me. His facial expression can't be seen because of the mask that covers most of his face, but I can see the amused look in his eyes.

"I must admit that you didn't strike me as someone who'd ask for other people's autographs."

"I'm not," I reply immediately, "It's not for me, it's for... someone else," damn it, even _I_ am getting surprised by the words coming out of my mouth.

Kakashi raises his one visible eyebrow, "And who might that be?"

Now, _this_ is uncomfortable. Maybe it would've been better if I didn't do this. But I still continue, "A friend who couldn't reach you today because of the mayhem out there."

"I see."

I hadn't planned to ask for his autograph. So, I don't have anything prepared. I grab a copy of the promotional poster they used to announce his visit. Kakashi doesn't look like he minds.

"So, this _someone else_ tried to get my autograph but couldn't manage to do so? I feel terribly sorry about that," Kakashi states as he reaches his arm towards the marker in Naruto's hand, "What's her name? I might as well add a small note."

I'm almost certain there's a mischievous undertone to his words. And... why did he assume it's a _she_? When I scowl at him, I find him staring at me with a look I can't really decipher. I hesitate for a second, but thinking rationally, there's no reason for that. So I answer him keeping my voice as unbothered as I can. "Haruno Sakura."

I swear I can almost hear the sound of Naruto's jaw dropping to the ground! I decide not to look anywhere near him. I keep my eyes fixed on Kakashi while maintaing a straight face.

"To Miss Haruno Sakura it is then, huh?"

This is hands down the most unnecessary deed I've ever done in my nineteen years of life.

* * *

 **Note:** Here I am. Publishing the first chapter of my first ever fan fiction. Yesterday, after I woke up, as I was sitting in my room, still sleepy, with a mug of coffee in my hand and thinking about all the things that need to be done, I suddenly started to see everything in a different way. I don't know how to say it. Before I realised it, I was describing everything around me in my head. The way a writer does in a story. That's when it occurred to me that I can come up with a story where a character lives in a room similar to this. And when I thought about coming up with a story, my OTP immediately appeared in my head 'cause recently I've been reading SasuSaku fics a lot. I'm very new to the world of fan fiction and I've already fallen too deep into this pit. And I don't have any regret.

Anyway, if you happen to come across my story, I hope you enjoy it.

Love,

June ❤️


	2. Encounter

Even after Kakashi's car goes out of sight, I continue staring in that direction. Just to avoid confronting Naruto. But of course, he isn't going to let me get away with it.

I feel his hand on my shoulder and before I even have the time to consider protesting, he has turned me around to face him.

"What are you doing?" I try my hardest to sound annoyed.

"That's my line, Bastard! What're _you_ doing?"

"What did I do?" I have a very good idea what he's talking about. But I wanna imply that it was such an insignificant event, it's not even worth remembering.

"You know very well what you did. You asked for Kakashi's autograph. For Haruno Sakura!"

"Ah! About that?"

"Since when did you become friends with Sakura?"

"I'm not _friends_ with her." At least that much is true.

"Then why'd you do that?" He isn't letting me go without a proper explanation.

"I just noticed she didn't manage to get one. She seems to be a really big fan of him. When you two were playing, she was even crying while watching him play."

Naruto furrows his brows a little, his blue eyes studying me with an intensity that's kind of uncharacteristic of him. But I think he finds the information satisfactory. The crease on his forehead disappears and he falls silent. But he's Naruto. So it only lasts a few seconds.

"I see. Then it's good you did that for her. I'm proud of you. You're starting to behave like a human being. Slowly but surely," he pats my shoulder with a bright smile.

I glare at him.

.

.

.

"So, how are you going to give it to her?" Naruto asks after swallowing a mouthful of his noodles.

That indeed is a good question. The answer to which I'd be very grateful to find out.

"Do you wanna give it to her? Instead of me?"

All that matters to me is she gets it. I don't have any intention of getting along with her or anything. I've already done something very unnecessary. Now I just want this episode to be over.

"Nah. Why'd I? You started this, you finish. But being the nice person I am, I'm definitely going to come to your rescue whenever you need it," he gives a smug grin.

* * *

Right now I feel like I'm on top of the world. I really got to see Kakashi! I watched him play right in front of my very own eyes. I can't believe it!

But I couldn't get his autograph. I simply couldn't manage to get inside the insane crowd. I was even carrying my sketch of him to get his autograph on. What a bummer!

I know I shouldn't feel like this. Just a month ago, I couldn't even imagine getting to see him. Now that I was able to watch him play for real, that should be more than enough to keep me happy for a lifetime. But I'm greedy like that. The moment I get one thing, I immediately wish I could get something else as well. Don't know if that makes me a bad person.

* * *

"Oi, come with me," Naruto calls out.

I follow him thinking he has found a place for us to sit.

"Morning, guys. Do you mind if we sit here with you?" Naruto flashes a bright standing in front of a table where some students are already having breakfast.

I'm not the only one completely dumbfounded by his action. All the three people at the table join me there. For a few seconds they simply stare at us.

"Not at all. Please sit down," the blonde girl with blue eyes is the one to reply with an enthusiastic smile.

"Thank you," Naruto takes an empty seat and so do I, no matter how much I don't want to. Because doing so at this point will be exceptionally and unnecessarily rude.

"You're Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke, aren't you?" the girl sounds super excited now.

"You know us, heh?" Naruto smiles stupidly. Scratching the back of his head.

"Of course we do. You guys are super popular among the students."

Honestly speaking, if stating stupid, obvious and useless facts is the only way to make a conversation, then I'd rather be by myself and not talk to anybody.

"I'm Ino," she gives a confident smile, "This is Sai," she points to the pale guy with black hair sitting by her side.

"Hello," thankfully, Sai isn't half as enthusiastic as her.

"He's Shikamaru," the guy with a ponytail and a bored expression on his face sitting beside Naruto says a simple "Hi."

"So nice to meet you guys."

Since I have no idea what Naruto's intentions are, I decide to focus on my toast and leave the socialising part to him.

"Actually we're here for a reason. You guys are friends with Haruno Sakura, aren't you?"

With that one sentence, he has grabbed the attention of everyone at the table. Including me.

"Yes, we are," Ino says after blinking a few times.

"Well, Sasuke has something to give to her."

With that, I find three pairs of eyes looking my way.

Great! What's the point of announcing it to the whole squad?

"It's Hatake Kakashi's autograph. He noticed last night that she didn't manage to get one," Naruto takes it upon himself to explain the exact situation.

"Oh, yes," Ino almost shouts, "She was really upset about that."

"Sasuke asked Kakashi for one on her behalf. Kakashi was kind enough to add a personal note as well."

"That's so nice of you, Sasuke. I'm sure Sakura will be elated," Ino smiles at me.

* * *

Worrying is like a never ending chain. You start worrying about one thing and then, without even noticing, you're worrying about something else. It's as if your brain decides to make a list of all the reasons why you shouldn't be allowed to take it easy.

So, I'm sitting on my bed. Still sleepy, my fingers wrapped around the coffee mug for the warmth it has to offer. I take a sip and start thinking about the things I need to do.

First of all, I have to ask Sai about the three classes I skipped yesterday. It's going to take a good amount of time and efforts to catch up.

And of course there's the art I'm currently working on. I am supposed to finish it by next week.

Also, I haven't made much money from my recent works. Finding good work as a freelance artist can be really challenging. I'm too lucky to be able to live the life I'm living right now. Thanks to the kindness of so many generous people around me. So, I have to make sure I do my part diligently.

There's next to nothing left in my fridge. So, I need to go shopping.

I also need to buy some art supplies. And for that, I'll have to travel for almost an hour to get to a particular shop. It's my favourite when it comes to buying art supplies. My art is my life. It's something where there's no room for compromises.

And I need to do laundry as well.

I have too many tasks to take care of and too little time. But I'll make it through. Because I always do that. Running short on time and somehow, in the end, still managing.

I take a sip of my coffee which is no longer warm and tastes pretty bad. Then I start making a timetable in my mind.

I'll gobble something up. Then I'll go food shopping. After coming back, if Sai can spare some time, I'll have him help me out with yesterday's lessons. Because he might have plans in the evening. Generally people are taking it easy during the weekends. Not everyone is worrying their brains out on a Saturday morning like me. But I just want to get things done by tomorrow because Monday means new things to take care of.

I gulp down the rest of my now completely cold and tasteless coffee and try to relax a little bit. Worrying like this won't get me anywhere. I'll look for work in the evening and I'll definitely find something satisfactory. I try to tell myself.

I unlock the phone and play _Let It Be_ on full volume. Then shoving it into my pocket, I head towards my little kitchen.

 _'There will be an answer, let it be'_

I can't count how many times this song has helped me feel better in situations like this.

It feels kind of strange when I think about it. A band that disbanded about half a century ago, half its members deceased, their creation still remains as beautiful and relevant.

That's the beauty of art. Art, no matter in which form, is meant to touch people's hearts. Any art that can do that, is considered a great one. And _that_ is the kind of art I want to make.

I take the phone out of my pocket and send Sai a text. asking if he can make some time at noon. I tell him that he can have lunch at my place. I'll have food available by then.

* * *

Someone's phone beeps.

"It's Sakura," says Sai while checking his phone.

"Seriously? Is it telepathy or what!" Ino exclaims. She's too loud and too enthusiastic about almost everything.

"She's asking me to help her with the classes she skipped yesterday."

She even skipped classes?

"And she's also inviting me for lunch," there's a satisfaction evident in his voice as he declares it.

"Which reminds me, Shikamaru, I need help with yesterday's classes too," Ino comments.

She skipped classes too? I didn't know Kakashi had such dedicated fans in our college!

"Troublesome," this Shikamaru guy sounds like he's already tired at this early hour.

"Whatever. Are you going or not?" Ino asks Sai.

"I am. How can I refuse a lunch made by Sakura?"

"Good," Ino seems very satisfied, "When he goes there, you can just go with him."

Since her eyes are on me, I assume I'm the one she's talking to.

"Me?" I still ask because I don't get how that's supposed to make any sense.

"Yes, you. Go with him and give her the autograph."

"Why do I have to go to her place?"

Seriously? Haven't I done enough already? I got the autograph for her when she herself just gave up and left with a disappointed look on her face. Now I have to deliver it to her door?

"Well, you could give it to her on the campus of course. But both of you are going to be busy during college hours. Today you're free and Sai is going to her place. I thought it'd be a good idea."

Come to think of it. If I want to give it to her on the campus, then we'll have to decide on a meeting time and place. For that I'll have to communicate with her.

"Fine. How far is her place?"

"Like five minutes' walk," Ino smiles, "From the back gate."

That's a little too close. Now I have nothing to complain about.

"Okay. I'll go."

"Send her a text, Sai" she sounds like she's having some real fun, doing this.

"Why isn't she replying yet?" Ino sounds impatient. "You know what? I'm calling her," she takes her phone out and calls Sakura.

And apparently, she isn't picking up.

"That big forehead girl! Why isn't she picking up?" she groans.

I'm starting to think of leaving when she says, "Are you free now Sasuke? I'm going to her place."

Huh?

"That's a good idea indeed, go with her," Naruto comments while finishing his orange juice.

"You're coming with me."

That way I'll feel less uncomfortable. When you lack social skills, you should make good use of your friend who is overflowing with the same.

"I don't mind."

.

.

.

"I don't think she's home," Ino declares, pacing in front of Sakura's flat, having rung the horrible sounding doorbell several times. "Let me call her one last time."

The sound of a phone ringing can be heard from the other side of the door.

"Great! That girl! She has left her phone behind."

"So, do we leave?" Naruto asks.

"We have to. We don't know if she'd be back anytime soon."

"I see."

"But now that you guys have seen her place, you no longer need me to come here."

* * *

I blink a few times. I can't believe it. Or rather, I don't _want_ _to_ believe it. It's my mother. Standing on the road in front of my apartment building.

So, she found me, huh?

I always knew someday she would. But had hoped it'd be a day in the distant future. I'm not ready to deal with her yet.

But hey, life doesn't care if you're ready to face your problems or not. It simply throws them at your face, without any prior notice.

I take a deep breath, to calm my nerves first.

"Why are you here?" I ask in a flat voice, taking just one step towards her, not wanting to get too close.

I'm trying my best to not show it, but inside, I'm trembling. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish I didn't have to meet her like this. Not yet.

"I don't know which one is your flat," she says in a tone that almost makes it sound like her visiting my place is something very casual, very normal.

"No, I mean why have you come to see me?"

"I have to talk to you."

But I don't want to talk to you.

"What is it?"

"You want to talk here?"

No, I don't want to talk anywhere, but when did it ever matter?

The thing is, I can't stand the idea of being inside my flat alone with her. Her very presence suffocates me. She's suffocating me right here, right now in the middle of this open space. I can't imagine it being inside a closed one.

"Well, I won't let you inside my flat."

"I see," she seems neither dejected nor surprised, "Then maybe we can go to a café, have our little chat over a cup of coffee," she smiles at me as if this is some sort of a long awaited reunion.

"Fine, tell me where to go. I'll be there after I've dropped these at home," I show her my shopping bags.

"I've brought my car, you know."

"Of course I'm not getting into your car with you." I can't stand being with her inside my flat, being inside her car is out of question.

"Okay then."

I know the café she names. It's a little away from here, but of course she can't go to just any cheap coffee shop. That's going to hurt her status and dignity beyond repair.

"Do show up there, darling."

"If I don't, you're not going to simply accept that and go home. You're going to come back here again and again until you get what you want, aren't you?" I'm really pissed.

"My little girl knows her Mommy so well," she smiles brightly.

"I'll be there, and I'm no longer your little girl," I don't bother looking at her anymore and walk towards the staircase.

.

.

.

I generally consider myself the luckiest person on earth when I manage to get a window seat on a bus. But today, I'm in no mood for that. Suddenly I remember, I haven't checked whether Sai has replied or not. I forgot to take my phone when I went shopping before.

I take the phone out of my handbag and try to unlock it.

Wow! I forgot to charge it and now it's dead. This day is definitely not going down in the history of my life as one of the best days. It'll most likely be one of the worst ones.

The café looks really posh. It's not really a place someone in my position should be visiting. But well, at the moment, the café is the least of my concerns.

"So, how's your game of playing an adult going on?" she smiles sweetly.

I swear I'd slap her face in another world, but I can't do that here. Rather, I try to calm down by reminding myself that I'm lucky we're having this conversation in a huge space with other people around and not within the confines of my flat or her car where it'd have been just the two of us.

"Technically speaking, there's no _playing_ an adult, I _am_ an adult" I try to sound calm.

"Oh dear," she smiles sweetly and takes a small sip of her coffee. "It's really good." She places the cup back on the plate, raising a gentle clinking noise.

"I have things to do, I don't have time to waste. So say whatever you want to say and be done with it."

"It's harsh, isn't it? Being left on your own in the real world outside the comforts of your house? It's the most horrible thing for a little girl like you."

Calm down, Sakura, calm down. Don't lose control. You promised yourself that you'll not let her words affect you anymore.

"Well, it definitely isn't easy. But I love it. Overcoming the problems that come my way, it helps me learn." I pause to take a breath, "But I'm not alone, I have people around me who care for me and always try their best to be there for me. And lastly, _that place_ is not my home. Also it wasn't really that comfortable now that I think about it," I try to smile, I want to play it her way. But I know I can't do it half as good as she does. Saying horrible things with a sweet smile on her face.

"They're going to leave you sooner or later, _we_ will be the only ones to stay, how many times-"

"They wouldn't," I don't let her finish, "And in case they do, I'll see what I can do, I definitely don't want _you two_ back in my life. Don't you get it? I left you! I left you guys for goodness' sake!" I'm starting to lose patience.

"Darling, this is what it means to be a parent. We'll be there for you no matter how badly you behave, no matter how many times you push us away."

This is it. I've had enough. I stand up, ready to leave, but she catches my wrist, her grip tight and determined.

"Sit down," she says in a cold voice with a stern look on her face.

I comply. I don't know why.

"It's about time you came back," her voice sounds serious.

"I'm not coming back. Not now, not ever, never."

"Just how selfish you can get? You know how mad you father was at me when you ran away? We had such a horrible argument, we... we almost had a divorce," her voice starts to shake, she covers her face with both her palms.

She's at it again, playing the victim card, blaming me for everything. But it isn't going to work. Not anymore.

"Do you have nothing to say for yourself?" she's looking at me now.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't you feel ashamed, making your mother go through such horrible experiences?"

This woman!

"I don't see any reason why I should. It's between you two and is none of my business."

"How dare you!" she flares up. But I'm not in a good mood either.

"Don't show me that attitude, I'll leave."

"Now you're blackmailing me?"

"Not really. But like I said before, I have things to take care of. I can't waste my time here listening to your ridiculous complaints."

"I see," she looks at me with fire in her eyes. "Then I have to say it, I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. But I don't see another way," she takes a deep breath, "Your father had a really horrible accident last Thursday."

Well. That's some news. My father had an accident. Should I care? After everything that happened, I was sure I wouldn't even care to look if he was dying right in front of my eyes. But I find myself asking, "Is he dying?"

"What? No! What's wrong with you? How can you ask if your father is dying with that unconcerned look on your face?" she cries out in an accusing tone.

"Well, I hadn't expected to care even this much. But it turns out that I do. However, if his life isn't at risk, then there's nothing else for me to be bothered about."

"Are you still upset about that incident?" she looks at me like she really means what she's asking.

"Yes I am!" I almost shout, "How is that even a question?"

"Your father didn't mean to-"

"What?" I literally shout, drawing the attention of the people around us. "What did he mean to do? Punching me right in the face?"

"Keep your voice down," she hisses, "People are watching."

As if I give a single damn.

No, wait, I do. I really like the fact that it's irritating her.

"I. Don't. Care," I say, standing up, both of my palms pressed against the table's surface, my body leaning forward in her direction.

"No need to behave like that. Your nose has been fixed properly and _he_ was the one who paid for it."

"Fair enough. Since _he_ was the one who broke it in the first place," I take a deep breath, "You know what? I don't agree with you. I don't believe I should be feeling grateful to you guys like you want me to. I don't feel that you did me a _favour_ by raising me, by not abandoning me right after I was born, like so many people do and like you could've _easily_ done like you keep reminding me. I believe that if you bring a child into this world, then that child is your responsibility. If you can't take care of her, you should look for someone else who can. But you can't keep telling her that she's the luckiest person on earth that you guys decided to raise her and that she should feel so indebted, so grateful, that she'd live her life according to your wishes in order to repay your debts. I owe you _nothing_. I repeat, _nothing_!"

I inhale deeply after such a long and excited speech. Then I turn towards the people on the other tables and with a fake smile on my face, I say, "Sorry for disturbing your peaceful recess, but the show is over now, you can go back to your businesses."

I pick up my bag. "I'm leaving. I'm not coming back, ever. You can blame me all you want, for anything you want, but I simply don't care. If you keep appearing outside my door, I'll find a new place to stay. If you start coming there, then I'll find another one. I'll do anything, but I'll not come back to _that_ _place_ and to _you_ _guys_ ," I don't wait for an answer, I walk towards the door. I know she's staring at me with anger, disbelief and frustration in her eyes. I couldn't care less.

.

.

.

I didn't know where I was going. I was just wandering aimlessly because I needed something to do. I wasn't ready for this. But I think I handled it rather well.

I have no idea how long it has been since I left the café. Not that I care. My plans with Sai is ruined, assuming he did have time to begin with. But now it's too late for that. And after all that drama, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to absorb anything he has to teach me. So I decide that I have no reasons to rush home. Apart from the fact that my friends have not been able to contact me since this morning and must be really worried. But honestly speaking, right now I'm not in the mood to be concerned about others.

I look around me and realise that I'm somewhat near the place where my favourite art shop is. So I decide to go buy the things I need. Being in a shop filled with art supplies always livens up my mood.

My shopping goes well but I'm not feeling any better. I feel awful, terrible. So, I go to a nearby park and sit on a bench in front of a fountain. Hoping this will help me feel a little better.

* * *

"Oi, Sasuke, you haven't seen Sakura today, have you?" Naruto asks in a kind of serious tone.

"No." I can't help the scowl.

"Actually, Ino called me a while ago." So, they've already exchanged numbers? "Apparently, they haven't been able to contact Sakura since morning. She wasn't home when Sai went to her place for lunch, and her phone was switched off. Ino has a key to her flat, so she went in to check. It looked like Sakura had left in a hurry. There were foodstuff in the kitchen, and her phone was gone as well. She must've returned after our visit and left again. Ino and Sai went to check before they went out in the afternoon. And now Shikamaru was there again and she isn't home yet. They're kind of worried," Naruto looks concerned as well.

"Maybe they should report her missing."

"Ino said they will if Sakura isn't home by the time she and Sai returns. She just called to ask if we happen to know anything."

"I don't," I grab my keys, "Anyway, I'm going out for a short ride. I'll let you know if I happen to find her by any chance."

I highly doubt that will happen though.

* * *

By the time I get off the bus, it's already dark. I walk fast. Now I want to get home as soon as I can. I'm completely exhausted.

I skip a stair at each step and finally reaching my door, almost drop my shopping bag on the floor. I would've actually dropped it without any care in the world had it not contained art supplies.

I reach inside my bag for the keys.

What the!

Don't tell me I forgot the keys?

Why does it have to happen today? Why now? Haven't I had enough already?

I changed my clothes before leaving to meet my mother and in a hurry, forgot to take my keys from the pocket of my shorts. Suddenly seeing my mother had left my brain incapable of functioning properly.

Ino has a spare key to my flat but I can't contact her cause my phone is dead.

I give up. I've dealt with too much shit in one single day. I don't have any energy left. I drop onto the floor in front of my door.

The only reason I didn't cry even once today was because I was in public places. I didn't want to cry and draw everyone's attention. But now I'm alone.

I'm all by myself locked outside my door and I feel like shit. I've never felt so bad in my life. Never. I want to cry. And I have no reasons to hold back. There's no-one watching. No-one lives in the other two flats, I have the entire floor to myself.

So I cry. Without holding back. I hang my head down, my arms wrapped around my knees, my face shoved between them and I cry. I cry like a little girl.

* * *

I lock my motorcycle. I check the time. It's late.

Now, this is weird. Why am I being concerned about whether Sakura has returned home or not? She isn't my friend or anything. But knowing she's been missing throughout the day, it somehow bothers me.

I can call Naruto and ask him, but I don't want him to know I'm worried. I don't even want to admit it to myself. Why do I have to be worried about a girl I don't even know?

I guess it's human nature. You don't need to know someone personally to be concerned about their safety.

So I decide to go check her place. That way I'll get my answer without anyone knowing a thing.

I'll just go and check from outside her door, I tell myself as I start climbing the stairs. I'll check and leave before anyone can come and find me here.

I haven't reached the first floor yet, a few stairs still left. But I can already see her.

She's sitting on the floor in front of the door. Face pressed between her knees, arms wrapped around them, her body shaking. It takes me a moment to understand that she's crying.

Why is she crying? What on earth happened to her? And most importantly, _what should I do?_

What do you do when someone cries so sadly, so helplessly, so heart-wrenchingly in front of you? I guess the right thing to do is to try to comfort her, to ask her what's wrong. But I've never done such a thing before. Not once.

So, I stand still, trying to figure out how to start, looking at her, still five steps from reaching the first floor.

Then I decide to leave.

I'm not the one she needs now. I'm not her friend, I don't know her and she doesn't know me. Nothing I can do will help her. She'll most likely be embarrassed about being seen by me like this.

Yes, I'll leave. Then I'll call Naruto and tell him to ask Ino to come here. She's the one Sakura needs. If not her, then maybe Sai, or Shikamaru. It has to be one of her friends. _Not me_.

So, I decide to go back downstairs. I try being extra careful to not make any noise but certain things have a tendency of happening exactly when you do not want them to happen.

So, my plan of leaving silently fails and she lifts her face. Her eyes, red and overflowing with tears, meets mine.

If I thought I was in an uncomfortable situation before, then I don't know how to even begin describing my current state. Running away is no longer an option, I have to face the situation. Which happens to be a crying Sakura, sitting on the floor, looking really broken and vulnerable. And I hate that sight. I really hate it. But I have no idea what I can do to fix it.

I'm trying to think. What do I say? When greeted with a 'Hi' from someone, I either ignore it, or reply with some meaningless monosyllabic sound, or in case of Naruto, with some insult. And none of it suits the current situation.

So, I simply stare back at her. Still trying my best to come up with an appropriate phrase. Why is this so damn hard?

"What are you doing here?" Sakura asks, her voice broken from crying like that for who knows how long.

Great!

 _She_ is the one crying her heart out. I should be the one to say things, trying to comfort her, trying to find out what happened to her. But see what actually is happening!

And, _why am I here?_

To check if you're back. Because I was kind of worried about you. _That_ is the only reason I am here. I don't even have the autograph with me. I can't just lie and say that I'm here to hand it over to you.

"They asked me to check if you're back."

She frowns, "Who?"

"Naruto."

I can tell from the look on her face that she isn't buying it.

"I think Ino asked him. But he was busy. So, he asked me," I lie with a straight face.

She studies me for a while. My lies might be found out if I let her keep questioning me like this.

"Why are you sitting here on the floor?" I ask, finally making it all the way to the first floor.

"I forgot my keys."

" _That's_ why you were crying here like that?" And here I was, getting so worked up.

"No. A lot of things happened today, I was really frustrated," she looks away from me, still sitting on the floor, "I was going to cry my heart out once I got inside my flat. But when I realised I've forgotten my keys, I couldn't hold it in any longer."

Isn't that a little too straightforward? This is literally the first time we're talking to each other.

"Can you keep it to yourself though? You've already seen me. There's no use trying to hide it from you. But I don't want everyone to know. It's kinda... embarrassing."

"You don't need to say that. I won't tell anyone."

We all have our vulnerable moments. Moments when we feel pathetic, broken, pitiful. And we don't want anyone to see us like that. I happened to see her in that state, but I'll not let people use it to ridicule her. Because I would hate it if it happened to me.

"Thank you," she finally stands up. Taking a handkerchief out of her bag and wiping away her tears with it.

Suddenly I hear Ino's loud voice, "Sakura!"

She practically jumps at Sakura and gives her a tight hug. "What do you think you were doing? You weren't home, your phone was out of service, we were going to report you missing."

"I'm really sorry Ino," Sakura sounds really broken.

"Where were you?" I hear Sai's voice from behind me.

"I went out," she pauses for a few seconds before adding, "With my mother."

To which, both Ino and Sai react immediately.

"What?" Ino's voice is sharp.

"Yes, she found me, Ino," Sakura sighs, she sounds tired.

I guess she has issues with her family, or maybe it's just her mother. I don't know. I'm kind of curious but I don't want to pry into her private matters. So, I decide to leave. Her friends are here now. They'll take care of her.

"I'll leave then," I'm about to walk away when Sakura speaks, "Thank you for coming to check on me, Sasuke, I really appreciate it. Tell Naruto I said thanks to him as well," she smiles sweetly.

"You came to do _what_?" Sai asks abruptly, looking at me.

"Yes, Ino, even I was wondering. When did you become such good friends with Naruto and Sasuke?"

This is bad. My lies are about to be found out.

"What are you talking about? I didn't ask them to do that," Ino declares. A confused look on her face.

"That Moron!" I have no other choice. I have to blame it on Naruto. "He lied to me," I try to sound really mad.

I think my acting is really convincing because Ino says, "Well, I did contact him in the evening, but that was to ask if you guys have seen her. I didn't ask him to come here to check. Maybe he misunderstood."

"Whatever, I'm leaving," I rush down the stairs before anyone can utter another word.

* * *

 **Note:** Song mentioned: **_Let It Be_** by **_The Beatles_**.

This story will have romance. But it'll be a little slow-paced as you can probably already see. I like love-stories but to me, love means a deep human connection between two people. I've been reading stories for almost twenty years now. When it comes to Sasuke and Sakura, there's a bond, an understanding, a partnership between them. That's why they're my favourite couple although they're not your typical romantic pairing. I want to establish that type of a human connection between my Sasuke and Sakura.

Your reviews make my day. They give me confidence. Since this is my first attempt at writing, and also English is only my second language. I was expecting people to say I suck, my writing is too bad, I don't know how to present a story, my characters are no good blah blah blah. But instead, I keep getting good reviews, encouraging comments, you guys are even wishing me good health and good luck for my upcoming JLPT (which I am not passing, no matter what I do :P). All of that make me feel really happy and warm inside.

Wishing you all good health.

Love,

June ❤️


	3. Promise

I had heard about it. The agony of waiting. But this is my first time experiencing it myself. And my conclusion is: I could definitely live without this.

I guess I sound like a spoilt brat. I had totally started to come in terms with the fact that I failed to get Kakashi's autograph. At least this time. But then last night, Ino told me that Uchiha Sasuke has one that he intends to give me and now I can't spend one second without thinking about it.

After the whole ordeal with my mother, I was sure that yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. But with that one piece of information, it turned into one of the best ones.

I still can't believe it though. And I don't think I'll be able to until I hold it my hands. It sounds too good to be true.

And too weird if you ask me.

I mean, why would he do that? We're practically strangers. To be honest, if it was someone else, I'd have thought it was a prank. But he doesn't look like the type to do that. I know looks can be deceiving but still... I'm just hoping that it indeed is true.

And I can't wait. I wish he'd be here already. If it was Sai or Shikamaru, I'd have run to their room the moment I heard about it. But that's not the case with Sasuke. He's not my friend. No-one in the Sports Department is. I can't get inside their dorm. Specially the boys' dorm.

I've been waiting for him since I opened my eyes this morning. I just want him to be here already. I know I have no rights to act like this. He has already done way more than he needed to. In fact, there was nothing he _needed_ to do. But he chose to. And now I want him to come deliver it to me as soon as he can. What do I think he is?

Since he didn't arrive this morning, I utilised that time to find myself a decent work. Although yesterday wasn't a good day for me emotionally, I actually managed to get some tasks done. I mean I finished my shopping. And now mission find-a-work has been accomplished too. Sai will be coming in the afternoon. I'm trying to get my laundry done before that.

Just like always, things are ultimately working out.

* * *

In the end, I decided to come alone. Because after last night's incident, I can't risk bringing Naruto anywhere near Sakura. I don't trust that mouth of his. He might give away some unnecessary information and not necessarily by mistake.

I leave through the back gate and cross the road. Going left I walk up to a narrow passage between two buildings that stand a little too close to each other. This actually is a shortcut leading to the alley where Sakura's flat is. It's way too narrow for a four-wheeler and has a dead end. The other end I think connects to the main road. It's a little too quiet. The only people using it are the ones living here. These actually are the back sides of the buildings. The fronts face the main road. I guess the flats on this side are cheaper.

As I approach Sakura's apartment building, I already spot her from a distance. Sitting on the third step from the bottom, wearing a light yellow tank top and a pair of dark blue shorts that are way too loose, her pink hair tied into a messy bun on top of her head. She's feeding three kittens and petting them. Too occupied to notice me yet. She's actually talking to them. I don't get why people do that. How are animals supposed to understand human language? But still, if I could choose, I'd rather see her talking nonsense to cats than crying the way she was last night.

She finally takes notice of me.

"Oh, you're here, I've been waiting for you this whole time," she stands up immediately with a bright smile on her face. Green eyes sparkling with happiness.

There's a certain warmth in her words. It must be nice: seeing someone's face light up just from seeing you. Except it's the autograph and not _me_ that makes her smile like that. For a moment, I almost wish it was.

What am I even thinking?

"Here," I give her the sports magazine inside which I had kept the autograph. She opens the pages and takes out the piece of glossy paper, her facial expression changes in a moment. She stares at it wide-eyed, "It's the real one!" She almost jumps.

Of course it is! What's her point? Why would I go such lengths to bring her a fake autograph?

"It really is Kakashi's autograph, Sasuke!" she looks at me, literally screaming, "And... and he wrote this for me? For me? _'Dear Miss Haruno Sakura,'_ Oh my god Sasuke! He wrote my name! _'thank you for supporting me, I'm sorry you could not reach me today, but I really appreciate having fans like you. Take care, Hatake Kakashi.'"_

I see her tearing up once again. But this time I know it's out of happiness. So I don't get worked up.

Since I asked Kakashi for the autograph, there were moments when I had my doubts. Maybe it would've been better if I didn't do that. There were times when I considered simply forgetting about it and not bothering to give it to her at all. Especially when her friends and Naruto were getting on my nerves. But when I saw her crying outside her door last night, looking so sad, so broken, I thought I should give it to her after all. That whatever happened between her and her mother, this will definitely make her feel a little better. And now seeing her this excited, I know it was the right decision.

"I'm sorry," she says, rubbing her eyes, "I must look like a crybaby to you. You seem to see me cry a lot."

Well, that indeed is true. I mean, since last two days, this is my third time seeing her cry. But it's not bad if it's out of happiness.

"It's okay," I shrug.

She looks at me, the hint of a frown on her face.

Was that not a correct response? Was I supposed to say something else? Or was I supposed to elaborate it a little bit?

I'm trying to figure out when she chuckles. "You're not very sociable, are you?"

That goes without saying, I don't think she needed to add the _very._ I'm not sociable at all. Not that I have any problem with that.

"You were really weird last night," she sounds kind of amused. "I mean who'd act like that? I'm sure I looked really pathetic, crying the way I was. Not saying I'm upset you didn't try to console me or offer me your shoulder to continue with my crying ," she sticks her tongue out, "But you were really awkward, like you had no idea what to do. I almost felt like _I_ had to help _you_ feel at ease," she giggles.

Talking about last night, there are so many things I'd prefer not to think about ever again.

"I'm not good with people," I state the obvious.

"I already know that," she smiles again. She actually smiles a lot.

I'm trying to figure out what to say when I feel something at my feet. Looking down, I see one of her kittens, grey patches on its white fur, trying to bite at my trainers but not doing very well because of the small size of its mouth.

"Are these your cats?"

"No, not really. They're stray," she looks affectionately at the kitten trying to chew my shoe but doesn't make any move to stop it. "A stray cat in the neighbourhood gave birth to them, but now they're grown-ups by cat standards. So their mom no longer looks after them. But they're still babies. So I just give them some food and play with them from time to time. I'm not in a position to adopt them, I just try to help them a little bit," she looks back at me, smiling.

"I see," I glance at the other two, all grey and white, busy eating their meal, "You love cats?"

"I didn't. Not that I hated them. But when I saw these three, I kinda fell in love with them. They looked so cute, so innocent, I felt like I wanted to make sure nothing bad happens to them," she smiles, "I guess you could say that I'm not fond of cats in general, but I absolutely adore Electron, Proton and Neutron."

Wait! What, what and what?

"Electron, Proton and Neutron?"

"That's what I call them. At first I was going to call them Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, but Neutron is a male cat. I can't name him after a girl."

"And you can name them all after atomic particles?"

"I mean what's the problem? I don't think they mind."

Of course they don't. Because... they're cats. They _can't_ mind. So, this Neutron wouldn't mind even if he was called Elizabeth. It's not like he'd be going to a Cat School where other male kittens will be bullying him for being called Blossom. But they are Sakura's cats and she can name them whatever she wants. It's none of my concern. So I keep quiet.

* * *

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I think he's kind of funny. Yes, the Uchiha Sasuke, the ever so serious, ever straight faced Uchiha Sasuke, I do think he's funny. He did look very intimidating to me, totally unapproachable, the proud type. But talking to him like this, I think he's kind of sweet. Especially after what he did for me.

"Hey, Sasuke, why did you do this for me?" I pick Proton up from Sasuke's feet, "You had no reason to. You don't even know me."

"Well," he runs his right hand through his unruly black hair, "When I ran into you in the gallery, I knew from your reaction that you weren't there to hit on me. And I also saw you when you were watching Kakashi play. I could tell that you really admire him."

"I do. I really do, Sasuke. I've been his fan since I was seven. He was just a newcomer then. I had no idea he'd become such a great player in the future." I take Proton back to the bowl of food since she keeps trying to escape. Letting her down, I squat beside her, lightly stroking her head as she joins her brother and sister for lunch once again. "I _can't_ tell you how thankful I am. What this means to me, I doubt I'll ever be able to convey it properly."

"Do you want to come to my flat? I can make you coffee," I stand up to face him once again. Offering him my warmest smile for what he has done for me.

"It's.. not the right time for coffee." His voice as flat as usual. His face as blank.

"Are you crazy? Any time is right time for coffee."

"And I don't drink coffee that much. I prefer tea."

"Oh."

And I'm somewhat relieved. I didn't really want to invite him over. I know that so far he has only done things that should allow him a place in my good books. But the truth is he's a guy I know nothing about and inviting him to my flat is not really a good idea.

It makes me remember that uncle who'd come to our place.

He was an old friend of my parents and I knew him since I was a kid. I remember the last couple of years before I left home. He'd come to our house a lot. Because not many people were willing enough to sit there and listen to my mother whine about all sorts of things. He'd come to have a little chat with her and would often ask for me. I didn't like the way he touched me. He didn't try anything inappropriate in that sense. Never. But I didn't like the way he'd brush my cheeks softly with his thumb or the way he'd gently stoke my bare arms while asking me how I was doing. It felt creepy. I still don't understand why he did that. I mean there was always a possibility that he was doing it because he still saw me as his friends' little girl. Except for the fact that I was no longer a little girl and that he never did that when I actually was a little girl. Or maybe he really intended to take advantage of me but couldn't because of many reasons. My father might have taken it upon himself to break my nose, but I'm sure if anyone tried anything nasty with me, he wouldn't just let it pass. People can be really twisted sometimes. But the things is it made me kinda wary of men.

But Sasuke came here to deliver Kakashi's autograph to me. He went so far for my sake, it'd be really impolite of me to just take it and not offer anything in return.

"But still... let me do something in order to thank you."

"You don't have to. I didn't do it expecting something in return," he says matter-of-factly.

"Of course you didn't," I answer immediately, "But _I_ would feel really bad if I don't get a chance to thank you properly."

He doesn't say anything, just keeps staring at me with those piercing black eyes.

* * *

What is this about? This episode isn't over yet? And what's with the fact that I'm not as irritated by it as I'd expect me to be? Rather, why am I _not irritated at all_ by the fact that this is still dragging?

And what does she mean by 'doing something to thank me'? Should I have just accepted her offer for coffee? But I really don't drink coffee at this hour. On top of that, I don't think it's right for me to go to her flat.

Come to think of it, _I_ am not the one who's supposed to be thinking that. _She_ should be. She should be cautious. How can she be so casual about inviting a guy she knows nothing about to her flat? Is she _that_ stupid? I turned down her offer, but if it was someone with some ulterior motive, he surely wouldn't do that. And she has quite a big fan following. Does she not know? Or is she so overconfident that she simply doesn't care?

"What are you thinking so hard about?"

"That you shouldn't be inviting unknown guys to your flat so easily."

"Huh?" her eyes go wide and her lips part. She blinks a few times before raising an eyebrow, clearly looking amused.

"So, you're telling me that you might be a pervert and that I shouldn't trust you?"

"I'm not. But you can't possibly be so sure about it. You barely know me. I'm just saying that you should be more careful."

"I was trying to be polite. In fact, I was kinda relieved that you declined my offer," she admits.

Really?

"Then why'd you even invite me in the first place?"

"I guess this counts as trying to be sociable. Not really your cup of tea," she giggles.

I frown. So, being sociable is about being fake?

"But in case you happened to accept my offer, I'd have sent a text to Shikamaru, informing him about it," she smirks.

Shikamaru?

"He's your boyfriend?"

He's her knight in shinning armour that appears to save her when she's in trouble?

"No. He isn't," she laughs, "It's because he's more level-headed than my other two friends."

Immediately, the faces of Ino and Sai flash in front of my eyes. Yeah. I have to agree with her on that.

"So, about my thank you gift, what do you think I could do?"

I have absolutely no clue.

"You have no idea, do you?" she looks at me with a hint of amusement in her eyes. "Let's say, I buy you a dinner, because I shouldn't consider buying you coffee after knowing you don't like coffee. How about that?"

That's not a bad idea.

"Fine by me."

"Okay. Let me clarify this first. I'm not a rich girl. So I can't take you to a fancy place," she declares. Lifting her both hands into the air.

There's something about her honesty that I'm starting to admire. Like the way she told me she doesn't trust me enough to invite me to her place. And now she's telling me that she lacks money. Being poor isn't something many people can talk about without feeling inferior.

"I didn't tell you to buy me anything in the first place. You were the one."

"Of course _I_ was the one. I'm just saying that I have certain factors I have to consider. I'm asking you to understand the _gesture_."

"I understand."

"That's it," she smiles, "Is Wednesday okay with you?"

Wednesday, Wednesday... I try to think if I have anything planned for Wednesday.

"It is."

"Okay then, Wednesday it is. I'll meet you at the front gate at 6:30."

"Hn."

"It's a promise. Don't stand me up."

"I won't."

"Save my contact number."

What?!

"My phone is in my flat upstairs, I'll have to go fetch it if I want to save yours. So, you save mine and send me a text later."

Why would I do that? But then again, why not? I mean what is so bad about me and Haruno Sakura having each other's contact number? I know by now that she's not one of my obsessed fan girls. So it should be okay. Right?

As I leave after having saved her contact number, I feel kind of troubled. I always do my best to avoid interacting with people. I didn't really try to do that today. Not at all. If I think properly, I accepted her offer way too easily. That's very unlike me. But I get it. Someone is buying me dinner to thank me for something. There's nothing unacceptable about it. And she isn't someone I can't stand. So I guess that's why.

Yes. That must be it. I mean I would've accepted it if it was Naruto. It's the same with her. Except the fact that Naruto is my one and only friend and she's someone I've talked to twice in my life. But I'd like to get to talk to her again in the future.

Wait! Did I really think that just now?

* * *

"It's a date," Ino declares from my couch.

"No it's not. I'll just buy him dinner. That's all."

"And you two will just eat dinner in silence and say goodbye and never see each other again?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Well, I might _happen_ to see him again, since we go to the same uni."

"Don't play word games with me, you know what I mean by _seeing_."

"I have no reason to continue meeting him after this," I take a big bite of my sandwich to indicate the end of this conversation.

"But..."

"Let it go, Ino," Shikamaru says from beside me on the floor.

"You shut up. I don't need the opinion of someone who doesn't have the guts to confess to the girl he likes."

"Hey, she's kind of intimidating," Shikamaru sounds really irritated.

"Didn't keep you from falling from her," Ino shoves a spoonful of noodles into her mouth.

I look at Sai who's sitting on the floor at a distance. Hoping for help. But he looks like the only thing he cares about in the world right now is the sandwich in his hands.

"Do you think it's easy?" Shikamaru retorts.

"Okay. Stop it, you two." I lift my palms up in the air.

"Shikamaru, you better confess to Temari while you still have time. She's in fourth year already. I think you owe it to that _intimidating_ nature of hers that she's still single."

"And Ino, stop trying to employ a boyfriend for me. You know I can't have one. Of all people, you should know."

"Hell no, Sakura! How many times do I have to tell you that not every couple end up like your parents? I mean, take mine for example. They're pretty lovely with each other. Your parents are that way because they themselves are kinda twisted. You can't put people like them together and expect things to turn out well."

It might be true. But that doesn't help me at all. It's not that I don't _want_ _to_ believe in love. I do. I so wish that someday I could find someone who'd love me for real. For who I am. Accept me for the person that I am, the good and the bad as well. And of course, I'd do the same for him. I'd be his home. That's what I've been craving for throughout my life.

A home.

A family.

It sounds so easy to get. People get married everyday. They have kids. They build families. But it's not that simple. Trust me. Just because you're related by blood doesn't mean you're family. Just because you spend years living in the same house, doesn't make it your home. It's much much more complicated than that. And I think only a few people are lucky enough to find a real family. To find true love. And for some reason, I already believe I can't be one of them.

"Oi, Sakura?" Shikamaru taps me on the shoulder.

"Stop spacing out when we're having a serious discussion," Ino's baby blue eyes glare at me.

"We're not having any discussion. We've had this conversation many times already and it never gets anywhere."

"That's only because you're so fucking stubborn, Sakura," her patience is starting to wane. "I'm not saying that you should go guy hunting. I'm just saying that you should stop being so determined to not even giving it a try."

"I _do_ _not_ do that."

"Yes, you do. You totally do. Don't you remember how you turned down the senior who confessed to you?"

"Are you talking about Lee? For God's sake, Ino, I didn't know a thing about him. Who goes out with a guy who suddenly appears in front of her and asks her to be his girlfriend? That's really weird."

"It is. But tell me, did you even try to get to know him? Even once? To find out what type of a person he is? No. All you cared about was _how to_ turn him down. And it's not just him. His approach was kinda creepy I agree. But you do exactly the same thing to any guy who shows the slightest interest in you."

Can't argue with that.

"I've been intending to say this for a while," Shikamaru takes a deep breath. "Don't let the experiences of your past ruin your chances for happiness in the future. You've suffered, so it's only natural that you're afraid. I completely understand. But you have to take a chance when it comes."

"I get it, Shikamaru," I really do. But I'm not scared because I want to. I'm scared because I can't help it.

"And once more, not all guys are like your father," Sai joins the conversation for the first time.

"I know that. I've told you guys already. I'm not afraid of you two."

"Why?" Sai asks.

"Excuse me?"

"Why are you not afraid of us?"

"I know you guys won't hurt me." What's with this stupid question?

"And how do you know that?"

"Huh?"

"How can you be so sure we won't do that? It's not written on our foreheads."

"Exactly my point," Shikamaru comments from my side.

"You can trust us because you took your time to know us first," Sai says.

I think I'm kinda getting it now. They're not exactly asking me to go looking for a boyfriend. Ino can be a little pushy at times, but they're just asking me to give the effort to understand people.

"You'd like to find someone, wouldn't you?" Ino asks.

I nod.

"But you're afraid."

I nod again.

"So, take the time to know people, try to be friends with them first. If all you can think of is how to turn people down, of course you'll never find anyone. Sometimes you need to take some risks in order to get certain things."

She _does_ have a point.

* * *

Since that incident during my game with Naruto, I've come to learn a few things about Haruno Sakura.

Like the fact that she lives in a flat by herself. Most likely because she has issues with her family. And that she wears men's shorts and tank tops and wears her hair in a not at all _girly_ way when she's at home. And that she gives really weird names to her cats. She's so different from the perfect image of hers that her fan boys keep worshiping. And when they are the ones chasing after her, _I_ am the one who gets the chance to see the real her. I find it kind of amusing. And for some reason, I don't want to let anyone know the things I find out about her. This side of hers, I feel like it belongs to me and me only. I don't want to share it with anyone.

I don't tell Naruto about my dinner plan with Sakura. I'll tell him on Wednesday before leaving. That'd make it look really unimportant. Just telling him to go eat dinner by himself because I'll be having mine with Sakura.

But why am I so keen on making it _look like_ it doesn't mean anything?

I guess I'm just thinking about it way too much.

* * *

 **Note:** As always, I'm really grateful for your wonderful reviews. And of course, my heartfelt thanks to everyone who followed my story and marked it as a favourite. It makes me so happy you have no idea.

Love,

June ❤️


	4. Friendship

I decide to take a shower first. It's especially hot today and after my super long practice session, I'm feeling really sticky and dirty.

Tennis is a tough game. Not trying to imply that all the other games out there are easy as hell. Just making a statement about tennis because that's what _I_ play. It's a tough game. But for some reason, people have a misconception that that's not the case for those of us who play it better than the majority. That we play it better because it's _easier_ for us.

Well, it isn't. We play it better because we hang in there.

It wasn't easy for me. I once was a little kid, the youngest one at the academy. And my coach wasn't the type of person to take such things into consideration. He isn't till this day. Although he isn't my coach anymore. But I owe him a lot. I appreciate what he did for me. But that wasn't the case from the beginning. I think it's safe to say that I _hated_ him. I couldn't stand him. I was just five and I used to hope that he'd go easy on me. That when I failed to hold the racket correctly or to hit a shot properly, instead of telling me to forget about tennis and go home, he'd console me.

But he never did. On the contrary, he remained the same merciless, demanding person he was on the day he was introduced to me as my tennis coach. I always wondered _why_ he did that. Most of the students hated him. He'd always find something to criticise even when someone won a big tournament. He wouldn't take part in the parties organised by the academy to celebrate those victories. There were rumors that he acted like that because he was jealous. Because he himself never managed to make it big as a tennis player.

He definitely wasn't the most popular teacher at the academy. And a lot of his students in fact took his suggestions seriously and quit tennis for good. I never understood what his problem was. But I do now. Because the fact is, no one cares if you're younger, weaker, at a disadvantage. Not in tennis, not in life.

You'll have to compete with everyone and with whatever you've got. If it's more difficult for you, then it's _your_ concern. _You_ have to find out the counter-measure for that. But you can't expect someone else to stand up for you and shield you from the harshness of the world.

The world is not a fair place and you have two choices. You can cry and complain about it, which will definitely earn you some sympathy. But at the end of the day, it'll not do a thing to improve your situation. The other thing you can do is to simply accept it for a fact and keep giving your best. Even in that case, there's no guarantee that you'll do better than others. Because that depends on the others and isn't in _your_ hands. But one thing is guaranteed: this way, you'll become the best version of yourself. And it kind of helps you sleep better at night.

So, I chose the latter. I believe in hard work.

The impediments the other kids saw as reasons to give up tennis, it's not like I never had to face them. That for me, it was way too easy, that I was _destined_ to be a tennis player. Those obstacles came my way as well. And when they did, what I thought about was how to improve myself so that those hurdles will no longer be big enough to hinder me. Because I loved this game and there was no way I could live without it.

So, I was there. I kept working hard when it was raining, when it was too hot, when it was early in the morning and everyone else was still in bed, when it was late in the evening and everyone had returned home, when it was the holidays and everyone was taking it easy. I was there trying to overcome my shortcomings.

And so was that lunatic coach of mine. He was _that_ fond of yelling at me!

 _That_ is the reason I'm here today. The reason I'm considered one of the best players around. Because I fucking earned it. And if I give the impression that I'm proud of myself, that's because I _am_.

I change into light clothes after my shower and wait for Naruto to go for lunch with.

* * *

It's almost six now. I start to get ready. Don't wanna to be late for my dinner with Sasuke.

I put on my favourite dungarees with a loose white cotton T-shirt. My hair is still damp from the shower I took earlier. So I just leave it like that. I'm applying some baby lotion on my face when the doorbell rings. Although no-one was supposed to visit me at this hour, I have a really good idea who it might be.

"What's up, Pig?" I greet Ino as I open the door.

"Came to check on you," she smirks, "At times like this, you need some help from your experienced bestie."

"I doubt you have _any_ experience when it comes to going out with a guy without the slightest intention of hitting on him."

But she totally ignores my teasing and scans me from head to toe.

"You're wearing _that_?" the disapproval in her voice is way too stong.

"Yup. It's comfortable and it's my favourite."

"It's way too baggy. It's impossible to make out your figure."

"And what do you need to do that for?"

"I don't. But I wouldn't say the same thing for Sasuke."

"I've made it clear to you already," I point a finger towards her, "I'm _not_ trying to seduce Sasuke or anything."

"That's unfortunate. He's a real hottie."

I remember him from the other day. The way he stood tall in front of me. Wearing a dark blue T-shirt and light grey chinos. So casually good looking. As if he doesn't even have the slightest idea.

Yeah, Ino is right. He's attractive.

"Stop it, Ino. You're making me not want to see Sasuke ever again," my voice sounds louder than it normally does.

"I'm _making_ you, huh?" she gives a sly smile, "So, you _do_ want to see him again?"

"Maybe as a friend," I say in a calm voice, "It'll depend on today's dinner."

She eyes me for a while before sitting cross legged on my bed. "Whatever. Why are you not ready yet? Aren't you going to be late?"

"I'm almost ready."

"Not wearing any make-up?"

"I don't."

Make-up used to be my life when I was younger. I had every product one can possibly think of. And every single item was costly as hell. I think it's fair to say that I was really obsessed with it. But then I got tired. There are things in life we chase after. Thinking that having them will make us feel better, happier, more accomplished. But once we finally get them, things turn out a little different from our expectations.

I wanted to look pretty. I couldn't find the love I craved for. But attention is rather easy to get. And when you're young, it's very easy to mistake it for love. I started to put on make-up, I started to be concerned about my figure like so many girls my age did. But unlike most of them, I was successful in achieving my goals. People would complement me. They'd tell me I looked pretty, cute, hot, sexy. My male classmates would steal glances at me when they thought I wasn't looking. And it felt nice. I admit it did for a while. But then, the excitement started to fade away. And I started to wonder if anyone even cared about me. About the broken girl that I was inside. Scared, struggling everyday, silently screaming for help. No. All they cared about was the fact that I was good to look at. A treat to their eyes.

And I felt horrible. Looking at myself in the mirror, my face covered in layers of make-up, I'd feel strange. The girl looking back at me seemed attractive, but _she wasn't me._ The spotless skin, the perfect eyebrows, the beautifully drawn eyes, the red lips, they were flawless. But they weren't mine. And I hated that.

That was when I realised. Nothing can make you complete if you're empty inside. If you don't love the person that you are, no amount of praises from others will be able to satisfy you. Maybe temporarily it will. Like when a child gets a new toy and it becomes the centre of his attention. But soon he grows tired of it and throws it away to never look at it again.

When the excitement fades away, you're stuck with your same old self. And until and unless you're contented with yourself, _nothing_ will be able to keep you happy for long. Everything starts with finding the thing that makes you the best version of yourself. And back then I had no idea what that might be for me. So, I started to search. And I stopped using make-up. Because without even intending to, it had become my disguise. My perfect disguise to hide away how empty I was inside. It was all I had. It was all I was. A pretty face. I wanted to be more than that.

Maybe I'll use make-up again someday in the future. When I can love myself a little more. When I'm a little more confident about myself. I'd wear it like an accessory. But never again as my identity.

"Your make-up bag doesn't even qualify for one," Ino comments as she empties the contents on my bed.

A skin serum, a sunscreen lotion and a tinted lip balm .

"What did you do with all the things you had?"

"Made lip balms out of a few, threw the rest away."

"Lip balms?" Ino raises an eyebrow.

"Uh huh. The lipsticks, the blushes, and some of the eye-shadows. Lasted a while and saved me a lot of money after I ran away. This actually is the first lip balm I had to buy," I pick up the lip balm and apply it on my lips. It has a faint pink tinge that goes well with my pink hair.

"And I didn't know it back then, but giving up on make-up came really handy when I decided to leave home later. Saves me a lot of money."

Make-up products are costly. Not having to buy them means I can use the money for other things.

"I'm ready to go. Are you staying or are you leaving?" I ask Ino while putting on my white ballet flats. I've always preferred flats. I'm no good with heels and I don't think they go well with dungarees. At least the ones I wear.

"Staying for now. I'ma make myself a cup of coffee," Ino says lazily.

"Fine," I pick up my mobile phone and send a text to Sasuke. Then I leave, saying goodbye to Ino knowing very well she's going to be here when I return.

* * *

I have to knock four times before Naruto finally decides to open the door.

"Whaddya want, Basta-" he starts in an aggressive tone but then pauses as he takes a look at me, "What the?! What are you dressed up for? Where are you going?"

"For dinner."

He raises an eyebrow.

"With Sakura," I try to say as nonchalantly as I can. But I feel my lips going dry all of a sudden.

"What?!" Naruto almost jumps, "Sakura? As in Haruno Sakura? The one you got an autograph for?"

"How many other Sakuras do you know here?"

"Since when did you two start going out? Wow Sasuke! You really are something! And you even kept it form me. I have to say that I'm disappointed," he shakes his head crossing his arms over his chest, acting like he really is hurt.

"Don't jump into conclusions, Moron. She's just buying me dinner to thank me for the autograph."

"She's buying you dinner? It's your first date and _she_ is the one paying for it?"

"It's not a date," Two people eating dinner together is not a date for fuck's sake! "At least not in a romantic sense. And what is your point? Do you want me to buy myself a thank you gift on her behalf?"

"You do have a point," Naruto nods after a few moments.

"I always do."

"Not really. Whatever, make sure that next time it's you who treats her."

"There won't be a next time," Right? This is going to be the end of it. "Whatever, I just came to tell you that you'll have to go get dinner by yourself tonight."

"Yeah, I already figured that," Naruto sighs, "But I'll forgive you since it's your first date. All the best Bastard. Sweep Sakura off her feet."

"I have no plans of doing that."

I really don't.

* * *

When I reach the front gate, I find Sasuke already standing there waiting for me. He's wearing a black round neck T-shirt and white cargo trousers. Leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. I can't really see his face 'cause he's looking down and his messy black hair is kinda obscuring his face from view. He doesn't see me coming.

I remember Ino's words from a while ago.

 _'He's a real hottie.'_

Yup. Definitely. He looks so cool simply standing there like that. Not that I'm hitting on him or anything.

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke," I hear Sakura's feminine voice and look up to see her approaching me, almost hopping. Looking at her like this, it feels like she's too carefree, too happy, too naïve. Not aware of the dark side of the world. But that isn't the case. The other day she told me she didn't trust me enough to invite me inside her flat. She isn't naïve. She's completely aware of the dangers lurking in the world and chooses not to be intimidated by them. I wonder why.

She's wearing something made of denim that's really baggy and has lots of pockets. I don't know what it's called but I've seen nursery kids wearing similar things. It gives her kind of a tomboyish appearance. Her pink hair is falling all over her shoulders and around her face in an unruly manner. It hasn't been styled to ensure that every strand remains exactly where she intends it to. Her entire appearance has a very natural feel to it. She doesn't look like she's trying hard to look good to impress me. And that's what I appreciate. I find it refreshing. I'm tired of seeing girls try their hardest to catch my attention.

Maybe if I try and if she's willing, we can become friends. For whatever reason, I'm not as strongly opposed to the idea of becoming friends with her like I was before.

"Good evening," she smiles brightly. Green eyes radiating happiness.

"Ah," is all I can come up with.

"Still having trouble socialising?" she teases me with a light giggle. And I don't hate it. I don't like it either. I've just started to accept it as something Sakura does.

"Let's get going," she says when I don't say anything. She doesn't look like she's disappointed that I didn't care to reply. She looks like she wasn't even expecting one in the first place. Maybe she, too, has started to accept the way I do things.

"Hn," I say and we head out.

* * *

I brought Sasuke to Ichiraku. I come here from time to time with my friends. It's not a high class restaurant but it's not a very cheap one someone like me would frequent. But I can manage since I don't eat much. Although I've been trying to change that. Besides, my friends are always willing to pay for me. Not that I let them. I can't impose on their kindness like that.

We sit down at a table for two, facing each other. This is my first time eating out like this with a guy.

"Don't think I'm hitting on you, but I'm starting to feel like we're on a date," I giggle, "Maybe because I've never been on one before. I don't really know what people do on a date."

He raises an eyebrow. As if weighing my words. But doesn't say anything.

"Am I talking too much? Do you want me to shut up?"

"Huh?" he looks slightly flustered, "No, I don't... mind. I'm just... not good-"

The waiter arrives. Interrupting him. Or more likely, saving him.

I order what I always order here. A Pork Dumpling Soup and Sasuke orders a Prawn Spinach Tomato pasta.

"You're just having a soup?" Sasuke asks as the waiter leaves.

"And you might have to eat one or two dumplings from that, they give you lots," I smile.

Sasuke gives me a demanding look. Asking for an explanation I presume.

"I had some eating disorders. I'm not proud of it obviously. And I'm trying to recover but it's harder than it sounds," I take a sip of water. "People are like, _'Eat more, why don't you eat?'_ but it's not that I don't eat on purpose, I can't eat. I don't feel like eating. I don't have appetite. And if I force myself to eat, I throw up."

"Even if it's your favourite food?"

"I don't think I even have a favourite food anymore. I guess dumpling is the food that I hate the least."

"You might be underweight."

"I am. My BMI is still below the healthy range."

"That's bad."

"I know. I also have low blood pressure. Which makes me pass out at times. Like if I'm standing in a crowded place for a long time. But like I said, I don't do it on purpose. I did before. But not anymore. Now I'm trying to recover, but it's not exactly easy. My life is kinda hectic. So I don't always have the time to take proper care of myself."

"That's stupid," Sasuke interjects, "If you fall sick, you won't be able to take care of any of your so called _important_ tasks. Health is very important."

"Wow! I was sure you don't give a single damn about other people," I smile, "Maybe I was wrong."

Sasuke looks at me. Looking a little confused.

* * *

She's right. I _do not_ give a damn about others. There are a few exceptions of course. Very few. And last time I checked, Sakura wasn't in that list. So, why do I care whether she eats or not?

But it's way too much. Being underweight, low blood pressure, inadequate food intake. Since I'm an athlete, I've had to learn the importance of maintaining proper health. If you're sick and weak, you're a goner.

"Enough about me," Sakura stops my train of thoughts, "Tell me, what did you do today?"

"Huh?" the abrupt change of topic takes me by surprise. "Mainly practice. Then played video games for a while in the afternoon."

"I see."

"What did you do?" I ask although I'm not generally the type that tries to keep a conversation going.

"Well, I had classes. And after returning home, I finally finished the book I was reading," she sounds really happy about it.

Our food arrives and we start eating. None of us try to talk for a while. I take a look at Sakura who's completely focused on her food.

"What is it about?"

"Eh?"

"The book," I'm kind of curious. What type of books does Haruno Sakura read? I myself am not that fond of books. Not saying I hate hate them though. I simply don't care about books. Like I don't care about most things.

"Oh. It's kinda complicated," she stops to think. A finger pressed against her cheek.

So, she reads complicated books!

"There's a lot going on actually. For example, there's a parallel world where things are almost the same as the real world. But with some differences. Like, there are two moons in that world. That's how you distinguish it."

Did she say complicated? To me, weird seems to be the correct word . Two moons in a parallel world?

"And this book has one of the best love stories ever," she declares. A triumphant look on her face.

"It's a love story?"

"No," she protests, "The love story is just a part of it, and it's beautiful."

Sakura gulps a spoonful of her soup then prepares to speak again. I can tell she really likes talking about it.

"You see, there's a man called Tengo and a woman called Aomame. They went to the same school when they were ten and secretly liked each other without having any idea that their feelings were mutual. But they haven't seen each other since then. For twenty years. They're thirty now and have been with other women and men. But the one they truly love is each other and hope to meet again someday."

Okay. That's kind of interesting. And dramatic. Things like that only happen in stories.

Sakura stops again. Blowing on a dumpling and taking a bite. I eat a prawn in the meantime.

"So, do they meet?" For some reason, I'm curious.

"Can't believe I'm giving away spoilers," Sakura says, "Yes, they do. And I cried when they did."

Why am I not surprised?!

"And in the end, there's a scene where Aomame tells Tengo that she's been lonely for a really long time, and hurt," Sakura stops to eat once more.

Hey, eat later. Finish your story first.

"And she says she wishes she had found him much earlier, and she's crying. She never broke down throughout the entire story. She was always so confident, so strong, so fearless. But here she starts to cry, unable hold it back anymore. And you know what Tengo does?"

Sakura looks at me.

Let me think. Kiss her maybe? I'm not sure. These are the kind of things that guys in love stories tend to do.

"He tells her he doesn't agree with her. He says _this_ is the right time for them. He says, _'We needed that much time. To understand how lonely we really were'_."

Did not see that coming. It's kinda deep I have to admit.

"And I liked that line so much. Throughout the story it was Aomame I was admiring, she was such a badass. Tengo, on the other hand wasn't someone who leaves that much of an impression. He was very mediocre. But with this one line, he won me over."

She bites into a dumpling. Reminding me of my pasta that's already turning cold.

"And it made me feel better. There are so many things in my life that I wanna complain about. Things that others have and I don't although I want them so badly," she almost looks like she's talking to herself "I often wondered why life was so unfair especially to me. But after reading that line I feel like maybe it indeed is better. We hardly treasure the things we get too easily. We never stop to think that there are others who'd kill to get those things. Because we don't know the pain of longing for it but having to live without. But if we happen to experience this beforehand, we'll know it's true value and so, when we finally get it, we'll know to treasure it properly."

I've never tried to think like this before, but what she said about not valuing what you get too easily, I think at least that part is valid.

We eat in silence after that. Just plates and bowls and spoons clinking softly.

"I think our conversation turned a little too serious," I lift my face at her words to see her giggle, "Maybe I shouldn't have talked about the book. But I just finished it today and I can't stop thinking about it."

"I like it. I never would've read it myself."

"You don't read books?"

"Not really. I mostly focus on tennis. Other than that, I like to play football sometimes. And I play video games. And riding my motorbike. Sometimes Naruto and I go on bike trips together."

"You two are good friends?"

"Ah," that moron ended up becoming my friend after all.

"That's…" she seems like she's searching for the correct word, "interesting," she finally says, "Given the fact that your rivalry is considered really legendary."

"That's on court. There's no friendship while we're on the opposite sides of the net. As players, we're each other's biggest rival but as people, we're each other's best friend," I try to explain.

* * *

This sounds weird. Being best friends with your biggest rival.

"You want a dumpling?" I ask him.

"Hn?" Sasuke looks up, not immediately following the sudden change of topic, "How many dumplings were even there?"

"Don't know. I've already eaten a lot. Can't eat anymore."

"Didn't you say you were trying to improve your eating problem?"

"I am, this actually is my first time eating so much," I smile, "I was so excited talking to you about the book, I didn't even notice."

"I see."

Sasuke stares at me for a while and I can't help noticing how handsome he is. His features so perfect. From his deep black eyes to his pointed nose, his thin lips and sharp jawline. Everything looks like someone took the time to craft it with utmost perfection. I'm not hitting on him, but he indeed is the most handsome guy I've ever seen.

And I absolutely love the way he looks at me with a certain intensity when I'm saying something. I can tell that he actually listens. He doesn't talk much, but he's a good listener. He makes me feel like he _does_ try to understand all the things I say.

Or maybe it's just my imagination. Maybe he doesn't care a little bit. Maybe right now, he wants this dinner to be over, so that he can get rid of me and return to his dorm. Maybe he doesn't want to see me ever again. And thinking about it, I feel a little sad.

"What are you thinking so hard about?"

I'm almost startled by his sudden words.

"That it'd make me really sad if you were thinking of me as a nuisance," I can't bring myself to lie.

* * *

Nuisance?

The sheepish smile on her face feels like an attempt to conceal her insecurity. Making me sigh.

"I wasn't super excited about this dinner plan," but I was kind of looking forward to it, "But I'm enjoying it. You already know I don't socialise that much, and I don't care what people think of me. I don't act to please others. I've been talking to you all this time because I really wanted to."

Her big eyes lock upon my face. Accompanied by a faint furrow on her forehead. As if thinking whether to believe my words or not. But I meant what I said.

"That's good to know," she finally says with a smile.

"Hn," I give a slight nod, reaching for the last dumpling in her bowl, "Now, let me have it before it gets cold."

I eat the rest of my pasta while she simply sits there, looking around, having finished the rest of her soup.

"Hey, Sasuke," she speaks all of a sudden.

I look up.

"That family, over there," she keeps her voice low, almost bordering on a whisper, "Don't you think they're so lovely?"

Huh?

I follow her line of sight to take a look at the family she's talking about. A family of four. Father, mother, an older sister and a younger brother. They're eating and almost making a fuss. The sister is feeding the brother a spoonful of her own food while the mother is telling them to not make a mess. The father isn't saying anything but is simply observing them. They look like they're all enjoying their time together. That none of them wish they were somewhere else. All they care about right now is enjoying each other's company.

And it strikes me all of a sudden.

There's nowhere I'd rather be right now. During our entire evening together, not once have I wanted to be anywhere else. I was too busy enjoying my time with her. Never did I wish it was over already so that I can return to my dorm.

And it feels strange. When I'm with people, generally I keep thinking about returning to my room to spend time alone. Naruto being the only exception and I guess my elder brother. We don't share a close relationship, but when I'm with him, I don't feel like leaving. And I don't have to. Since he always does. My elder brother is too busy to spend time with me.

"I envy them," I hear Sakura whisper softly. With a painful smile on her face.

I look at the family again.

What did she just say? She envies them? Because they're a family who enjoy each other's company? Really?

"I wish I could be like them someday."

Hey, me too. But it's too soon to let you know that yet.

It seems like Haruno Sakura and I might have more things in common than I had expected.

I decide to finish my already cold pasta for good.

"Hey, Sasuke-"

When my gaze finds her, she's looking at me with a certain gleam in the depths of her eyes. And I know it means something. Something I can't figure out.

"Would you mind if I asked you to become friends with me?"

Friends? I lived for eighteen years without having any. Then I've had one for almost a year now. And it's not bad I think. But do I need another one?

Actually I don't.

But I think about two possibilities. One where this becomes my last encounter with Sakura and I never see her again after tonight. And one where we keep meeting and spending time together like this.

I prefer the latter.

I do not _need_ another friend. But I _want_ Haruno Sakura to stay in my life. If she's saying that it's possible if we become friends, then so be it.

"Not really," I take a sip water for my throat feels dry all of a sudden.

"Really?" her eyes widen and that's when I discover all the different shades of green in there.

"Ah."

"Thank you Sasuke," she says in an excited tone, "I didn't plan it just so you know. It's just that after spending time with you here like this, I really feel like we could become friends. I feel like I want to know you better, I don't know if that sounds weird."

Want to know something even weirder? I feel the same. We indeed have more things in common than I had expected.

* * *

Sasuke walks me home regardless of how many times I tell him it's okay. That it's a safe neighbourhood. Sai and Shikamaru always do the same for me. But somehow it makes me happy when Sasuke does it today. Somehow it feels different.

And I'll be seeing him again. Because he said we can be friends. I know it's not that simple. You can't become friends by saying so. Friendship kind of happens over the time, by itself. But still, I think we had a good start. And that's all I'm able to think about as I ring my doorbell. I know Ino is in there. She isn't leaving until I give her a satisfactory report of my dinner with Sasuke.

* * *

 **Note:** Book mentioned: _**1Q84** _by _**Haruki** **Murakami**_.

I think losing weight becomes like an addiction. Like once you see the results, you get kind of obsessed. You want to lose more weight. And you're afraid to eat because you think you'll gain back the weight you worked so hard to lose. It's like you're trapped. I used to be so passionate about cooking and food in general. I'd try all complicated recipes from different cuisines, I'd visit all the stores in the city just to find a single ingredient for a dish. Now I eat because I have to. I'm too lazy to even put butter on my toast. Sometimes when I think about it, it makes me sad. And it's no fun passing out randomly while commuting. So, please take good care of your health. Don't be an idiot like me.

With lots of love and good wishes,

June ❤️


	5. Turmoil

"What's this party about? Are we celebrating something?" Naruto's azure eyes sparkle with excitement.

"No no," Ino shakes her head, swinging her high ponytail, "We say party but it's more like a picnic, or a BBQ party. We cook some simple food, mostly snacks, eat and drink, have a nice time. Nothing fancy. It's just about spending time together with your friends."

"Sounds like fun, don't ya think, Sasuke?"

I take a look at Sasuke, standing beside Naruto with his hands in his pockets. A backpack thrown over his shoulder and his face as inscrutable as ever. For a moment, his gaze catches mine. I give him a small smile.

A few weeks have passed since we started our _friendship_. We see each other at the campus and instead of acting like strangers like we did before, we say _Hi_. By that I mean I am the one saying 'Hi' while he just replies with his typical monosyllabic sounds or barely noticeable nods. Simply acknowledging my greetings. But that's just how he is, I've come to understand that by now. Moreover, just because I enjoyed our conversation back when we went for dinner together doesn't mean I can have deep conversations with him every time I see his face.

"Hn" Sasuke shrugs his shoulders casually after holding my gaze for a few seconds. "YESSS!" Naruto jumps in delight throwing a fist into the air, "Count us in, Ino, Sakura." His grins ear to ear.

"See you tomorrow then, Naruto, Sasuke," Ino smiles sweetly.

"I don't really think that was a very good idea, Ino," I can't help voicing my uncertainty to her as we walk along the pebbled path towards her room.

"Why not?" Ino raises her eyebrows, "Didn't you see how enthusiastic Naruto was about it? I knew he'd like to join."

"I know _he_ would..."

"Oh, come on, Sakura," she rolls her eyes at me. "Sasuke agreed to come, it's not like Naruto or I nagged him or anything. He agreed by himself."

That _is_ true. Sasuke isn't a child. And like he said the other day, he isn't the type to do things to please others. If he agreed to come, it's because he wants to. Right?

* * *

I hear the beep from my phone. Stretching out my hand, I pick it up from the table before going back to lying on my back with my left arm folded under my head. Unlocking it, I find a new text. From Sakura.

 _'You know, you don't have to come if you don't feel like it. I'll talk to Ino.'_

What's this text supposed to mean? Is this Sakura's way of asking me not to come? I stare at the small letters on the illuminated screen for a while. Ultimately, I just decide to call her.

She picks up exactly after four rings.

"Hey" her voice sounds a little sharper over the phone, but I can still tell it's Sakura on the other side.

"It's me."

"Yeah, I know," I think she chuckles a little, "What's up, Sasuke?"

"I just got your text. You want me to not come tomorrow?"

There's silence for a few seconds before she shouts out loud, "Of course not, why'd you think that?"

"You asked me not to come."

"I asked you to not _force yourself_ to come if _you_ don't feel like coming," she pauses, "You really are something, Sasuke."

Ah! So that's what she meant! It's not that _she_ doesn't want me there. She's just trying to make sure that I don't feel uncomfortable.

"Hello? Sasuke? You there?"

"Ah."

"Don't go silent like that," she sounds like complaining, "I thought you just left the phone and went to do something else."

"I didn't."

"I know that by now," I hear her giggle.

Okay. So, the purpose of my call has already been served. Logically thinking, I could hang up now. But I don't. Instead, I wait. Expecting her to keep the conversation going. Because I clearly don't have that talent.

"So, will you be coming?" she asks after a few seconds, as if listening to my silent request.

"Hn."

"Yayyy" she sounds unnecessarily happy.

This is kind of funny. As I listen to her speak over the phone, I can actually see her facial expressions in my mind. Very vividly. This happens with Naruto as well. Till now, I was under the impression that it was because of getting too familiar with him, but I haven't really known Sakura for a long time. So I wonder why this is happening in her case.

"You stopped talking again."

"I was listening to you."

"But I wasn't saying anything. Whatever, just so you know, I was only being concerned about you feeling out of place, you aren't really friends with them."

"I'm with you," I interrupt her, "And Naruto."

I'm not friends with that loudmouth Ino or that Sai. And to be honest, I'm not very fond of them. That Shikamaru guy seems tolerable though. I couldn't care less about cooking, eating or drinking together with them. But I'll be fine. I mean, I've mastered the art of ignoring unwanted people throughout my life. And even if I hadn't, I'm sure that after meeting Naruto, I'd have had to learn it as a survival strategy. In my opinion, he's the pushiest person that has ever existed on Planet Earth. Sakura's friends aren't going to torture my brain like he does. Sure, Ino is like a female version of him, but she's most likely to focus her attention on Sakura, not me. And who knows, finding new companions might even make Naruto give me a moment's respite. So, there actually is a tangible chance that I'd be able to spend some quality time at the party.

And, Sakura will be there. I had only agreed to attend the party because it was going to be at _her_ place. If it was one of her friends, I never would've accepted the invitation in a thousand years. But come to think about it: all her friends live here in the dorms.

"I see," she speaks softly and for some reason, I can't visualise her facial expression this time. "I'll see you tomorrow then, Sasuke," I know she's smiling right now.

"Ah."

"Good night."

"Night."

* * *

Sasuke said that.

He really said that.

He thinks of me as a friend.

I've had friends. Not many, not always, not very close ones either. But I could get along with people when I tried. The fact that my parents didn't like it is a completely different story. The point is _I have friends._ So why does having Sasuke as my friend make me especially happy?

Ino and I went to the same school. However, it was much later that we actually became friends. Then I met Sai and Shikamaru after coming here. I met Sai at our department and Ino met Shikamaru at theirs. Then the four of us became a group. These three are my first real friends. With Sai or Shikamaru, I have a good friendship. I trust them and all, we get along and can have a really good time. And with Ino, it's different of course. She's my best friend, she's kind of loud and overbearing at times but she truly cares for me. I mean she's that one female friend every girl must have. But it's kind of different with Sasuke. Even I don't know how to describe it. He doesn't speak much. He almost always wears the same stoic expression on his face. But when I'm with him, I feel like there's something different. I just can't pin it down yet. And it makes me immensely happy that he's coming to the party.

"Oi, Sakura, your fridge is kind of lacking space. Where do we keep the drinks?" Shikamaru's lazy voice pulls me out of my thoughts..

"Oh, I'm taking care of that. Leave them on the counter for now."

I go to make space in the fridge leaving the kitchen to Ino for a while.

"Hey, you two, don't try to slack off," Ino reprimands, "Come help us in here."

"Just two minutes Ino," Sai replies while dropping himself on the couch. "I'm tired."

"You just picked up some drinks."

I really like our little house parties. It's kind of refreshing. We often eat together at my place on weekends. Sometimes we go to Ichiraku, sometimes we go on night outs together. But this type of gatherings are very different. It's very cosy. It gives me a really good feeling, makes me feel warm inside.

"Why aren't you playing any music?" Shikamaru says from the couch. An attempt to put an end to Ino's bickering with Sai.

"I'll play, I'll play," I jump in excitement.

"What are you getting so excited for?" Ino gives me a stern look, narrowing her eyes.

"I just bought a new song. I can't wait to play it on your speaker at high volume." I connect my phone to her Bluetooth speaker and play _All Too Well_ by Taylor Swift.

"Hey, I think I've listened to it before," Ino comments as the song starts to play.

"You might have, it's not a new song, but it's great. The lyrics. It's just so damn good! Makes me miss my ex so bad."

"You don't _have_ an ex!" Ino scowls.

* * *

Reaching the first floor, I find Sakura's door open and a soft sound of music coming from the inside. We approach the door, Naruto walking two steps ahead of me. This is my first time seeing Sakura's flat beyond the door. I can see the faded green walls of her not-so-big living room where Sai and Shikamaru are sitting on an old red couch that's facing the left. They haven't noticed us yet. Do they even know we'll be coming? I don't see Sakura. My eyes automatically start to search for her.

"You don't _have_ an ex!"

Oh, right! Ino is supposed to be here as well.

"That's the point," I hear Sakura's voice. She sounds cheerful.

I don't have any idea what their conversation is about, but the bottom line is _Sakura doesn't have an ex._ And how is that any of my business again?

"Hey, we're here," Naruto declares so loudly that it almost startles me. Immediately, Shikamaru and Sai turn their gazes to us. And I feel kind of weird. But then I see Sakura walk into the room from the left, most likely from the kitchen. And seeing her, I immediately feel at ease.

"You guys came!" she exclaims, a happy smile adorning her face.

"Of course we'd come, were you hoping we wouldn't?" Naruto fakes disappointment.

"No, no. That's not it, quite the opposite," she stops for a while, as if searching for the right words. Her eyes fix upon mine for a fraction of a second. And I get the feeling that her words were meant for me. Maybe she wasn't sure I'd really show up here. So, I give a small nod. Not sure if it was even detectable. But Sakura's face lights up at once and she says, "I'm really glad you're here, come inside."

"Here, we brought these for you," Naruto says in a loud voice as he walks inside.

"What's in it?" Sakura asks as she takes the bag from him. "Ice cream! Strawberry flavour!" Sakura sounds happy as she takes the tub out.

"You like it? I am the one who brought it," Naruto grins as if he has done something that would normally be considered impossible by general human standards.

What's there to be so proud of, Moron? You brought a tub of strawberry ice cream. Big deal!

"There's another one, blackcurrant," Naruto approaches her and takes the other tub out, "And Sasuke brought the ice wine."

"Ice wine? That's expensive!" Ino exclaims.

And rare. Thanks for noticing. But Sakura doesn't look like she gives a damn about any of that. And it kinda irks me. After I went through the trouble of asking my uncle.

The couch can accommodate three people at most and Naruto has already taken a seat between Sai and Shikamaru. Even if he hadn't, I never would have felt comfortable shoving myself between them like that. There isn't a chair. So I look around, trying to figure out where to sit.

"You don't have a place to sit, wait a minute," Sakura disappears inside a room and emerges with a plastic chair after a while.

"Here you go," she smiles at me as she places the chair near the couch.

"Why are you bringing chairs for them? They're supposed to take part in the activities, not to laze here on the couch."

"Yes, yes, we'll help," Shikamaru stands up at Ino's words.

For the first time, I take note of the fact that this place is filled with the smells of grilled meat, fish and some vegetables as well.

* * *

"What's that?" Naruto asks, pointing towards my glass.

"Mint tea."

Naruto raises his eyebrows in surprise, "Tea? You're having tea?"

"I'll add whiskey to it," I smirk.

He looks totally taken aback and so does Sasuke, who's sitting by his side but a little towards the back.

"You should try it, it tastes great."

"And Sakura is the only one who thinks so," Ino interjects. "On top of that, she even adds sugar to that tea."

I give her a threatening look but she totally ignores me and reaches for a piece of grilled sausage. There wasn't enough seats available for all six of us to sit, so we all ended up sitting on the floor around the coffee table.

I'm really enjoying this. The dim light, the drinks, the foods, the music, everything. No one's talking too much, as if afraid of breaking the magic that seems to have enchanted my little living room.

I take a sip of my whiskey-and-tea and see Sasuke out of the corner of my eye. He's sitting a little away from the circle. I know it's intentional. And so like him. Staying aloof even when in a group of people. He hasn't spoken a word since we brought the drinks out. In fact, he hasn't spoken much ever since he showed up here. But he makes a huge difference by just being here, looking lost in his own thoughts, sipping his beer.

He's a sight to behold. Wearing a dark blue V-neck T-shirt that shows his collarbones and I absolutely enjoy the sight of his neck muscles coming together there. He takes another sip of the beer and I can clearly see the movement of his Adam's apple. Then suddenly he looks at me.

Oh fuck!

I move my eyes away immediately.

 _What on earth_ was I doing? I was clearly checking him out. Did he realise? I bet he did. Did the others notice too? This is so embarrassing!

It's all because I'm drinking way too fast. My alcohol tolerance isn't high and drinking too fast just speeds up the process of getting drunk. I remind myself to slow down as I look away. My face totally hot and that's not entirely because of the liquor.

I try to focus on the song instead. It's that type of a song that makes you feel drunk without consuming a single drop of alcohol. It's perfect for environments like this. But I'm starting to wish that someone would already change the song, the whole goddamn playlist.

But of course no one does.

And just five minutes ago, the music was all I cared about. But right now, I'm suddenly too into the lyrics.

 _'Your lips_

 _My lips_

 _Apocalypse'_

Damn it! Damn it! "Someone change the song," I can't take it anymore.

"Why?" Ino frowns.

"It's making me sleepy."

"You mean in-tox-i-cated, right?" she smirks, "Well, that's the intention. Enjoy it."

"Yeah, I really like the songs you are playing," Naruto comments. Completely oblivious to my plights.

"I know, they're perfect for the mood."

It's hopeless. _I_ am the only one who's being bothered by the song. I give up. Not like I have another choice.

.

.

.

Ino finally starts to cry. She always does it. Gets drunk and ultimately starts to cry for no apparent reason.

Sai takes her to the toilet and then to the bedroom which happens to be the only other room in my small flat. I guess that officially indicates the beginning of the end of tonight's party.

By the time Sai comes back, Naruto and Shikamaru have moved to the couch once again, glasses of whiskey in their hands. Naruto also has a chicken nugget in his other hand. Sasuke hasn't moved from his spot and doesn't look remotely bothered by the fact that the others have. He's still holding a can of beer. Sipping casually.

Sai pulls the chair I had brought earlier for Sasuke closer to the couch and joins Naruto and Shikamaru.

I think it's time for me to stop as well. I can feel the effect of the alcohol in my system very well.

I get up from the floor, heading towards the toilet. I have to focus too hard in order to walk properly.

"Oi, Sakura, do you need help?" I hear Sai's voice.

"Nah," I turn with a ' _I'm fine, don't worry about me'_ smile on my face to assure him. And although I don't face Sasuke directly, I can see him observing me, knitting his brows.

I turn back and walk towards the toilet once again.

Getting inside, I make sure to lock the door. I kneel in front of the toilet and open my mouth to push a finger inside my throat. There was a time when I used to practice this several times a day. I no longer do that but I still do it when I drink. I hate getting drunk. The idea of not being able to control my own body scares me. So, this is like a ritual to me. Once I figure out that I've reached my limit, I intentionally throw up, getting the alcohol out of my system.

I turn the tap on and wash my face and hair. After a while, I feel a little better. So I turn the tap off and dry my dripping hair with a towel.

When I come out, I hear Shikamaru's voice, "Did you throw up?"

"No, just poured some water on my head," I try my best to smile.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah."

Not really. I'm not feeling much better, but I hate to admit it. This is my weird stubbornness. I drag my heavy body to the fridge and take a jug out. I need water badly.

* * *

What exactly am I supposed to do? Sakura seems to have a knack for putting me into awkward situations.

I look at the other guys. Sai has already passed out on his chair and so has Naruto on the couch, sending Shikamaru back to the floor. He's the only one except me who's still conscious. But not for much longer, I can see that already.

"She isn't going to remember that," he says in an extremely lazy tone and then closes his eyes, stretching out on the floor.

Okay, when I decided to come here for this party, I had imagined many scenarios in my mind and _this_ wasn't among them.

I was sitting on the floor, my right leg stretched out, while my right hand was on the beer can placed on the floor by my side. My left leg was folded with my knee supporting my left elbow. Yeah, that was my exact position when Sakura came out of the kitchen, apparently after drinking some water. She looked around, saw the couch and the chair occupied and didn't even try to check the room Sai had taken Ino to earlier. She sat on the floor to my right. And she just kept sitting there, without moving an inch or uttering a word.

"Are you alright?" I couldn't help asking.

At that, she turned her face to me and simply kept staring at me for a while, not bothering with a reply. Then I don't know what happened, but she suddenly decided to lie down on the floor, placing her head on my right thigh, catching me completely off guard.

And now that everyone else is asleep, I can't really figure out what to do. I'm not drunk. I can still finish like three more cans and I know I'll be completely fine. But with Sakura sleeping using my leg as her pillow, I'm afraid of moving, I don't want to wake her up.

But what should I do? In my current posture, I can't really relax my body. I don't know when Sakura is going to wake up, probably late in the morning. If I sit here, obediently acting as her pillow till then, I'm sure to get serious cramps tomorrow.

But there's no other alternative anyway. Ino is sleeping on her bed I assume, the couch and even her chair is occupied. Everyone has drunk a lot, it'll not be easy waking them up.

So in the end, I decide to just let her sleep like this.

I watch her closely. Throughout the evening, I've gotten enough chances to see her, but this is completely different. I can now see her from such close proximity and for as long as I want. I don't have to be concerned about being found out. So I utilise this opportunity.

She's sleeping soundly, most likely effect of the spirit. Her eyes shut, pink lips slightly parted. Her hair was tied in a knot on top of her head when I arrived here. It left her neck bare. Which I noticed was kind of long and slender.

When I was younger, I had once read in a magazine about the famous bust of Queen Nefertiti from ancient Egypt. Her long, 'swan like' neck was referred to as one of her biggest charms. The me back then had found the concept utterly ridiculous. But on second thoughts, I agree that long, slender necks _can be_ alluring depending on whose shoulders they sit upon.

Right now, her hair is let loose, slightly damp and it's dampening my pants. But I don't mind. Not really.

The damp strands from her fringe are sticking to her forehead at places. I notice that the dampened tresses of her hair look a shade darker than her pink eyelashes and eyebrows. Her chest is raising and falling with her deep breathing. Just like the other day, she's wearing a loose tank top. I can see her collarbones and of course her bare arms. Her cream coloured skin looks so smooth that I feel like touching it just to make sure that it really is human skin.

What am I doing?

This isn't how I'm supposed to behave. She's sleeping, completely defenseless and I'm taking advantage of that? I thought I was a better person than this!

But no. How is this taking advantage? I'm not doing anything inappropriate. I'm just… seeing her. Because she's… beautiful. It's like when people admire the beauty of... of... a great painting... or... an architecture. It's the same. Yeah. it's totally the 's nothing wrong about it.

I notice that her top has somehow ridden up, exposing her belly button. So I gently pull it down to cover her flat stomach.

See? I'm a total gentleman. I'm protecting her dignity when neither she nor any of her trusted friends is even aware of its necessity. Am I the Dark Knight or what?

I look at her legs. She's wearing those loose men's shorts again and her legs look extremely thin coming out of such voluminous clothes. And the skin there looks as smooth as her any other visible body part.

It's not so bad. I can spend my time looking at her like this. Honestly speaking, to me, this might actually be the best part of this party. Not that I'll ever admit it to anyone.

I take a deep breath. I don't think I'd ever get to watch her like this ever again. And that somehow makes me feel a little disappointed. Why is that?

When I agreed to come here, I was aware that she'd be busy. That I wouldn't be able to spend time with her like we did the other day. I didn't have any expectation. When we arrived here, the way her face lit up at our sight, I liked it. The day I came to give her the autograph, she had a similar reaction. At that time, I knew it was because of Kakashi's autograph. But today, it wasn't for something else. It was just us.

Was I wrong when I felt like she was especially happy to see _me_ here? I wouldn't know for sure until I ask her. And I _can't_ ask her. It'll be really weird.

 _'Hey, whose presence made you happier? Naruto's or mine?'_

No way!

That'd be a very awkward question. And pointless. Yes. Totally pointless. So why am I even being concerned about this?

Sakura stirs a little in her sleep and I almost stop breathing in order to not disturb her. To my relief, she goes back to sleep.

This was an unexpected turn of events. But if I ever get invited here like this again, I'll be coming hoping for a repetition of this.

And I'll be disappointed. I'm completely aware of that. But this is already happening. And once something actually does happen, you can't simply rule it out as an impossibility.

Last night, I once caught Sakura looking at me. The moment my eyes fell upon her, she was startled and looked away. I swear I saw her face taking up a shade of red. But that might've been because of the alcohol. After all, she was drinking.

This is all I can do about the many questions I have regarding Sakura's behaviour. Assume. Because the only other way to find my answers is to ask her.

Why do I even have so many questions when it comes to her? Who is she? She's my friend. So is Naruto but somehow it's totally different with her. I think I have an abnormally huge interest in her. I want to know her, to know things about her, minor details. I don't care how trivial they might be.

This isn't like me. I don't take interest in other people. That's not my nature. Why am I making an exception for her?

I sigh and stretch my arms, trying to relax my body that has already started to ache.

* * *

 **Note:** Songs mentioned: **_All Too Well_** by ** _Taylor Swift_** and **_Apocalypse_** by **_Cigarettes_ **_**After Sex**._

Sakura's drunk behaviour is kind of inspired by some of my own actions at a house party back in June. It was horribly embarrassing.

With love,

June ❤️


	6. Saviour

It's been a while since I slept so well. I'm feeling so refreshed, I could start my morning yoga routine right away. Except it's not morning yet.

I really overdid it last night. How much did I drink again? I have absolutely no memory of falling asleep here.

Talking about that, what's this _thing_ in front of me? And... under my head?

Looks very much like... _a_ _leg_! Yes, definitely a leg. A really long leg clad in eggshell coloured chinos.

That rings a bell!

I jump as if electrocuted and sitting straight, in front of my eyes I see exactly what I feared I would, but was still hoping that I wouldn't really have to.

Uchiha Sasuke.

His deep black eyes scrutinising me with such an intensity that I feel kinda nervous. Like he'll see through me, every cell of my body. Like he'll find out my deepest darkest secrets by simply looking into my eyes. Like it's just a matter of seconds.

"S-Sasuke?" I have to speak because one of us should in order to disrupt the intense atmosphere between us. And he clearly doesn't have any intention of being that person.

"Hn?" my plan succeeds. He moves his eyes away and runs his right hand through his dark black hair, ruffling it carelessly.

But what exactly am I supposed to say to him after sleeping with my head on his lap for who knows how long?

"Umm... How long have I been... You know...?" Yeah, now I'm so embarrassed that I can't even say it out loud. Where was this sense of shame when I was actually doing it?

He stares at me for a while with a blank expression on his face and then picks up his phone from the floor.

Why is he ignoring me now after actually letting me sleep on his leg like that?

"About three hours," he says, checking the phone.

Oh. He wasn't ignoring me. He was just checking the time.

 _But hey, hey, hey. Haruno Sakura, are you sure you should be happy about it? He just informed you that he acted as your pillow for about three hours._

Three fucking hours!

 _'Obliviate_!' I scream silently, but I don't have a magic wand. So, my memory erasing spell doesn't have any effect on him.

If magic won't work, then should I try hitting his head with a frying pan? It seems to work in films.

"Are you all right?"

Huh?

"Y-Yes," I try not to sound embarrassed but don't dare to meet his gaze.

His eyes are on me once again, I know even without looking. Then finally, he speaks, "Don't worry about it."

What did he just say? When did he learn to say the right things at the right moment?

"You... should've woken me up," I keep my eyes on the floor.

He remains silent for a while. "I didn't want to."

At that I finally look at him.

"Why?" I find myself asking before I can even consider if it's a good question at all.

He holds my gaze for a while, then looks away and sighs. "You looked very peaceful," with that he turns his gaze back to me, "I… didn't want to disturb you."

I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to make of that.

So, I decide to change the topic.

"What time is it now?"

"3:15" he says checking his phone again.

"I'm really sorry. You didn't get any sleep because of me."

"I did it because I wanted to. It was my decision. you don't have to apologise."

And I decide it's okay.

I hate the idea of troubling others. No matter who they might be.

Even if it's Ino, I always try to make sure that she doesn't have to go through any hardship because of me. Not that I always succeed, but when I don't, it does bother me to a great extent. I don't like to take advantage of her kindness.

But for some reason, when Sasuke says it's okay that he didn't get any sleep because of me, I accept it rather too easily. I'm more selfish than I thought.

"As you can already see, my flat is rather small, I can't really offer you a place to sleep," I try to smile, "It generally always ends up like this," I point towards the guys sleeping literally everywhere in my tiny living room.

"I'm fine," he says in a casual tone. As if it's no big deal. Then he looks at me once again, "What about you? You didn't sleep long enough."

"But I slept well," I pause before adding "Thanks to you," I feel my cheeks getting warm. "I feel fresh. I don't think I'll sleep again tonight."

* * *

So, Sakura isn't going back to sleep again and I'm not planning to sleep here like these idiots. I have more dignity than that.

What should I do then? Go back to the dorm? It's a bit too late now. I'll have trouble getting in. But what am I supposed to do staying here?

"Hey, Sasuke," Sakura speaks in a very soft voice. I look at her. "Do you want to go to the roof?"

Huh? The roof? At this hour? Why?

But then again, why not? I mean, it's not something I'd think of doing, but if Sakura wants to do it, I don't mind accompanying her.

"I don't mind," I shrug.

Her face lights up immediately. She smiles and this time there's not a doubt in my mind that it's entirely because of me. This time, there's no autograph or Naruto involved. It makes me feel unnecessarily happy.

"Let's go," she stands up, suddenly very energetic, a little too energetic for this hour. Not that I mind. On the contrary, I find it rather interesting.

"I'll be back in a minute. Need to use the toilet."

With that she disappears for a while. I stand up and stretch. My body feels a little numb but it's not as bad as I had feared it'd be.

.

.

.

When we sit side by side on the roof, I carefully maintain some distance. I honestly wish I didn't have to; but… well… I don't know how to put it… but just because she happened to sleep on my lap doesn't mean I'll use it as an excuse to invade her privacy. And she only did that because she was drunk. If she was sober, she never would've done it in a million years.

"I absolutely love looking at the stars. It makes me feel like all my worries are so small, so insignificant. Makes me feel better," Sakura declares in a cheerful voice as she gazes into the open sky above our heads. "What about you, Sasuke? Do you ever look at the stars?"

The stars, huh? The last time I intentionally looked at them was six years ago. Not because I really believed in such stupid things. But still, I couldn't help it. After all, she was the one who told me those stupid lies when I was a little kid.

 _"Is that true? You're not making it up?" I frowned._

 _"What?!" she reacted as if I had said something completely bizarre while in reality, it was the other way around, "Of course not. Anyone knows it Sasuke. When someone dies, they become a star in the sky."_

I always had absolute faith in her, but at that time, I couldn't help doubting her words. And I was right. I shouldn't have trusted her so blindly. Because years later, when I searched the sky full of stars, like a maniac, she wasn't there. She was nowhere. She had disappeared completely without leaving any trace. She was such a liar.

"Thinking of something you can't tell me about?" as Sakura speaks, her soft voice sounds strikingly similar to hers.

So, I decide it's okay. I can tell her.

"My mother."

There's a pause.

"Your mother?"

"She died," I say in a flat voice, "Six years ago."

Another pause.

"I see." Then she falls silent again.

Really? That's it? She isn't going to say _'Oh, I am so sorry'_? Like everyone else does?

"You miss her."

It's not a question. It's a statement.

"It's been six years," I try to sound nonchalant.

"But it's still painful. It'll always be. It's just that you've learnt to live with it."

How does she know it so well? How can she possibly know it so well?

Then, it occurs to me.

"Who was it?"

Who did you have to learn to live without?

Another moment of silence. Then she says, "My Granny."

I don't say anything. Neither does she. So, we sit there. Side by side. In total silence, looking at the dots of light in the distance. For a long time.

"I'll always miss her," when Sakura finally speaks, her voice is almost a whisper.

"So will I," I finally find it okay to admit it to her, to someone. "No-one can ever replace her in my life."

"No-one can ever replace anyone in anyone's life. That's what I believe," she stops for a while, "We love every person in a different way. It's like a lock and it's key, you know. There are different hollows inside us and for each of them, there's only one person who can fill it. Some of those hollows are very very deep. So the person remains in our life for a long time. Some of them are very shallow. So it's over very quickly and they leave. And we might feel like we didn't even need them in the first place. But we're wrong. We did. Exactly for that short amount of time. But their presence was necessary. And then, there are people like your mother, like my Granny. People who leave before they've filled the hollow they were supposed to fill. So, we're left with an emptiness that's going to last for ever. Because no one can fill it in their place."

Is it just her or does everyone go around saying things like this? I don't know cause I don't talk to people. But Sakura is the one who's saying this to me and _she_ is the one I feel thankful to.

I feel her shift a little closer to me. It's late now, and it's getting a little chilly.

I was trying to act like a gentleman by keeping my distance. But if _she_ is seeking warmth in me, I'm not going to retreat. I won't invade. But I'll let her get as close as she wants to.

When it comes to her, I'll give _her_ the right to decide. It's not something I ever do. But I've already accepted that when it comes to Haruno Sakura, the normal rules simply don't apply. I don't know the exact reason, and I don't think it matters.

* * *

"Sakura," his voice is deep. It's the first time Sasuke has ever called my name. And it surprises me that someone can make me feel so many different emotions by simply uttering my name. It feels so warm, so intimate, so...

"Thank you."

That's… unexpected. And I'm not sure what exactly he's thanking me for. But I decide not to worry about it right now.

I shift closer to him once again. It might be a little too much, cause right now my bare knee is touching his thigh. But the fact that he didn't pull away when I moved closer to him earlier gives me the courage. And let's face it: I have slept on that thigh for like three hours.

"Are you cold?"

"A little bit."

He doesn't say anything, but leans his body closer to mine. He's so warm.

"Sasuke," I call his name. He doesn't respond but by now, I've started to read his silent answers. So I continue anyway, "I'm glad you told me about your mother," I pause, "And I'm glad I could tell you about my Granny. I don't talk about her much but she's my most treasured person."

I stop there to think if I should continue and decide that I should.

"When you're young, the way you love people is totally different. It's very pure. Because your heart is pure. And since my granny passed away while I was still young, my love for her stayed that pure. Sometimes I even think it's better that way. Had she lived till now, maybe my love for her would have become selfish and convoluted like I did as I grew up."

He doesn't say anything.

"Thank you for listening to me Sasuke, even if I'm making absolutely no sense," I giggle.

"No," he interjects but doesn't elaborate. That's just like him.

"You know, if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, you can come to me. I'll listen and I'll try to understand."

Like you're doing right now.

"I'll not judge you."

Like you aren't judging me.

"Hn," is all I get as a reply. But I don't mind.

* * *

Since that night, I can't stop thinking about Sakura. She makes me feel a certain way. A way I never expected anyone to make me feel ever again. And until now, I believed it was alright to live like that. Maybe even better. But after meeting her, I'm starting to realise that it was just me trying to fool myself.

I was afraid. I knew only one person who loved me with all my faults. She never thought I was a disgrace when I failed. She never thought I was pathetic when I showed my weakness. She always embraced me with the same warmth. After I lost her, I figured that no one else was ever going to accept me the way I was. And I felt pathetic, I felt like a waste. That was the lowest period of my life, the darkest phase. That was when I wanted to end it all for good. Everything. But I wasn't brave enough.

Thinking about dying is easy. It sounds so easy, so tempting. Freedom from all your sufferings. But there are other things in life than sufferings. And death will take it all. It won't spare the good parts. And as frustrated as I was, I still wasn't ready to give it all up. So I decided to go for the next best option. Seeking perfection. To eradicate all my weaknesses, all of my vulnerabilities. Every single one of them.

But human beings can't be perfect. Our imperfections are inseparable parts of us, they contribute to make us who we are. They can't be thrown away just like that.

But they can be hidden. And that's what I did. I was never fond of socialising. So, it was rather easy. I never showed vulnerability in any form. As a tennis player, inevitably there were moments of failure. But I never let anyone see how much they affected me. I'd loathe myself in private and maintain a strong façade in front of people.

I had learnt that the world is a cruel place. There's no room for the weak. So, I had to toughen myself up. And I was surprised by how good I was at it.

Then, I met Sakura.

She makes me feel like she'd not despise me for my imperfections. That she'd accept me for everything that I am, the good and the bad. And it makes me realise just how tired I am of it. Of faking it all, of pretending to be super strong while inside, I'm crumbling. It feels so refreshing. Like finally managing to breathe after being under water for a really long time. And it's tempting. She's tempting me to try and make sure that she remains a part of my life.

But it's not that simple.

After that night, I'm well aware that I'm attracted to her in other ways as well. And I don't think it's unnatural. I'm nineteen, so is she. And she's pretty on top of that. What if I do something wrong to her? What if I hurt her?

I failed my mother. I was a selfish brat who only cared about himself. I was so obsessed with being loved, but did I ever stop to think what I was giving her in return?

I did love her. But what good ever came out of it? What was I able to do for her? I was miles away, playing a stupid match while she was taking her last breath without anyone by her side. I'm such a worthless person.

It's good for someone like me to stay away from Sakura. She's been hurt enough already. I don't know the details but it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that she deserves to be happy. I'm an extremely self-centred person. I hardly care about other people. But when it comes to Sakura, I want her to be happy.

But still, at my core, lies this extremely selfish person who always thinks of himself first. So, I guess I'll continue with this _friendship_ as we call it.

I'd do what it takes to keep her.

* * *

Here's the thing: I like Sasuke.

I don't like him because of how cool he is or anything like that. I like the Sasuke who became my friend. The Sasuke who listens to me and tries to understand. The Sasuke who opens up to me even if it's just a little bit.

That night, as we sat side by side, sharing the warmth of each other's body, sharing some of our deepest feelings, I felt it. This feeling of belonging, a very peaceful feeling. It was what I always imagined as the feeling of being home. Sasuke is showing me glimpses of what I've always wanted, but knew as impossible to get. He's luring me and it's totally working and he himself isn't even aware of it. He doesn't know how desperate I'm getting to not let him go. I want him to stay in my life. And I'm playing the only card I have in order to make it happen: the _good_ _friend_ _card_. Because that's the only way he'll let me stay in his life.

My feelings for him aren't entirely innocent. Ever since that party, there have been moments when I've thought of him in not so _friendly_ terms. I've thought of his deep black eyes and long eyelashes and thin lips, I've replayed the images of his Adam's apple bobbing when he swallows something and his long fingers casually holding his beer can. I've never been with a guy before but I'm nineteen. I understand where these thoughts come from. I've been friends with Sai and Shikamaru for a while. These days I've been seeing Naruto a lot. But I never picture any of them like this.

Sasuke doesn't know it yet. And I can only pray that he doesn't find out any time soon. Just how disgusted is he going to be? Even I am disgusted with myself. I thought I was a better person than this. But here I am. Wearing the innocent mask of a friend and moving with ulterior motives. But I'm not strong enough to let go of him yet.

So I'll keep up with our so called _friendship_.

In my defence, I really want to be his friend, I want to be there for him. I'm not sure I can ever do anything to help him but I really want to.

.

.

.

"I'll come to watch your match," I speak because it feels a little weird. Walking in silence like this. He doesn't say anything. Neither was I expecting him to. So I continue on my own.

"You play really well. I'm thinking that when Kakashi retires, maybe you can become my favourite player," I giggle, "But only after Kakashi retires. As long as he's still playing, it doesn't matter _who_ is the one on the other side of the net."

He stops for a while and scowls at me.

"But don't worry. As long as it's not him you are playing against, I'll always cheer for you," I give him my brightest smile.

"Do you have a crush on him?"

Eh?

Where the fuck did that come from?

"No," this time it's me who stops walking in order to shout, "Not at all. I... how do I put it, I admire him very much. He's like my personal hero. I feel like I was saved by him."

He just shrugs casually and continues again. I feel my face heat up a little. If only he knew who it is I'm crushing on these days!

It takes me by surprise when he takes the turn with me. He's supposed to go straight in order to return to the campus.

"Sasuke... you're... I mean, are you coming with me?"

"You don't want me to?" he asks in his usual flat voice.

"No, I appreciate it. I really do," I try to defend myself. "I just... don't want to trouble you, you know," I look down at my feet.

"You're not. I'm doing it because I want to," he doesn't even blink.

"Like the other day?"

I feel my heart beating loud and fast inside my chest. So violently that I'm afraid he'll know. What is this feeling? It's so foreign. Completely new.

"Ah," he says nonchalantly.

And just like that, the tightness inside my heart dissipates. I feel so warm. I feel so relieved.

Once again, Sasuke is going out of his way for my sake and once again, I'm accepting it. Because just like I said, I'm selfish and I want him near me. That's why I accepted his offer to carry my bag when I met him at the store. I myself never would've asked him. And had it been anyone else, I'd have refused without giving the idea the slightest consideration. I'm that stubborn. Yes, my life isn't easy. I'm no longer living like a princess like I once used to. And it is hard. But it's my life. I'll face it all. I don't need anyone to pity me.

But it's Sasuke. He's not just anyone. Not to me. Not anymore. And while I'll not greedily ask him for help, but if he's offering it by himself, I'll not refuse it. I don't have the strength to push him away.

Is it good? Is it bad? Will I end up regretting it someday?

I honestly don't know.

* * *

"Thank you, Sasuke," Sakura speaks in a soft voice. Why does it feel so insanely satisfying when she says my name like that?

"Hn," I say as I continue to walk a step ahead of her. "You say you don't have a crush on him. Kakashi. But you seem to like him a lot."

Maybe I shouldn't be asking this. Whether she likes Kakashi or even if she has a crush on him or whatever, it has nothing to do with me. I don't like it when people try to pry into my personal life. And I don't pry into anyone's life either. I mind my own business. But when it comes to Sakura, my curiosity gets the best of me. Why I have no clue.

"Eh?" she can't immediately follow this sudden change of topic.

"Kakashi, you ask?" she stops for a while, titling her head a little, "I first saw his picture in a magazine. There was an article about him, about how promising he looked at the age of nineteen. That someday he might become a great player, things like that," she smiles. "My Granny had passed away a few months ago, I didn't have friends, my parents and I were never close. I was kind of lonely, you see. I was flipping through the channels when I came across one of his matches. It reminded me of that article and I decided to watch it just to kill time. I was trying to find something to keep me occupied. Granny's death was a huge shock to me. There were things that I... Well, I was suffering a lot. It was very painful. I was just a kid."

I think there's more to it. There's something she isn't telling me. But it's fine. I don't want to intrude.

"It was so absurd, you know," she giggles abruptly, "I had no idea about the rules of tennis. Like nothing. And I didn't have anyone I could ask. So, I used to be really confused. But somehow it was fun. Slowly, over the time, I started to understand the game and it became one of my biggest sources of happiness. I wasn't allowed to go out much, I wasn't allowed to make friends, I wasn't allowed to do all the outdoor activities I wanted to do. But I was allowed to watch TV," she gives a satisfied smile. "It was so refreshing. Kind of like my escape. And... I learnt so much from him. The way he never gives up and does his best till the end even when it looks like there's no hope, it gave me courage. He inspired me so much, you have no idea. He isn't someone I can simply have a crush on. He's beyond that, he's the reason I made it through those years, he's like a saviour to me."

I finally get it.

I've always thought it's great to have fans who support you. That's a given. Who wouldn't want to have supporters? But I never thought it's possible to affect someone like this. To inspire someone, to be the reason someone had the courage to go on, to literally become a hero in their eyes, all without even seeing them, without even knowing about their existence, what does it feel like? Will I ever be able to affect someone's life like that? Can I ever become the reason someone can find hope during their moments of despair?

That Kakashi!

"Aren't you coming in?"

It takes me a few moments to figure out that we're already at her door. And she's... Is she inviting me in? Does that mean she has started to trust me to some extent?

"Is that... You're okay with me coming in?"

"Yes, absolutely," she gives me a bright smile. Her green eyes sparkling in the sunlight.

She unlocks the door and we get inside her flat. I stop to take my shoes off, but as my eyes fall upon the room, I freeze for a moment.

What in God's name is this? There are things literally _everywhere_. I can't even differentiate one item from another. It's just a mess distributed proportionally all over her living room. Except... the huge pile of clothes and papers and folders and who-knows-what-else that's completely occupying her couch. This room looks nothing like it did that evening!

"I know it's a little messy," Sakura gives me a sheepish smile.

"A little?" I wasn't meaning to be rude but the words escape my mouth before I can consider holding them in.

"Hey, I have a lot to take care of, okay?" she pouts, "I have to do everything by myself. Laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning. It's not easy. And I have to study and work as well."

"Relax. It's not like I'm criticising you," I sigh, "I was just... It was kinda unexpected."

"Unexpected?" she furrows her brows.

"Hn," I nod as I finally manage to take my shoes off.

"What do mean unexpected?"

"Well," I shrug, "Based on the image you have out there, I had expected you to be more... prim and proper."

"Out where?"

"Among the students."

She raises an eyebrow, "I have an image like that among the students?"

"You don't know? Everyone thinks you're this perfect girl, flawless in every aspect."

She stares at me for a few seconds. Big green eyes holding my gaze as if searching for something.

"And what about you, Sasuke?"

"Hn?"

"What do you think of me?"

She blinks, and I stand there. Barely inside her living room, still holding the shopping bag.

"You're not... perfect."

I see the hint of a frown appear on her forehead.

Was that rude?

"Not that I'm asking you to be."

I'm just stating the obvious.

She smirks. "I see," is all she says and she spins around. Heading towards the kitchen. I follow.

"I'll clean the couch," she speaks in a cheerful tone as she leaves her bags on the counter and almost runs out of the kitchen.

I look at those brown-paper bags. She didn't let me carry more than one even though I insisted. She said the one she gave me was the heaviest one. I doubt it. I can tell they all weigh pretty much the same. It's just her stubbornness. For some reason, she has her limits. Beyond which, she won't let anyone push her. Even if she'd definitely benefit from it.

Back in the living room, I find her couch totally clean. In its faded red glory. How on earth did she manage to do that so fast?

"I just moved them to my bed," she giggles, as if reading my mind. "That's what I do, move them to the couch when I'm using the bed and move them to the bed when I'm using the couch."

That's some interesting information. But what am I supposed to say now?

"Do you want to stay for lunch?"

Huh?

Lunch? She's inviting me for lunch?

"I'm feeling fancy today. I'll make spaghetti. Do you like spaghetti?"

I nod.

"Great!" she suddenly looks very pumped up, "Just wait a minute. I'll take a quick shower and before you know it, I'll be back preparing lunch. Shannaro!"

"Did you... inform Shikamaru?"

Why did I have to ask that?

She stares at me for a few seconds. Eyes wide, not even blinking. Then, her lips part slightly as if to say 'oh'.

"No," she shakes her head gently, "I don't think that's necessary."

And suddenly I feel so relieved. A warmth spreading through my chest.

As Sakura goes for shower, I take a seat on her couch. Looking around the room and trying to picture her life here. I imagine her running around the room, in her men's shorts and tank tops and her messy bun, doing chores. I imagine her lying on this couch, head against the arm-rest, a book in her hand. I imagine her in her small kitchen, chopping vegetables and frying eggs. The abrupt sound of the doorbell interrupts my thoughts. Like an audacious alarm clock wakes you up when you're having a great dream.

Sakura is in the shower. What do I do?

The bell rings again. Should I answer? But what if it's one of her friends? How am I supposed to explain my presence here?

The bell rings for the third time. Consequences be damned! I can't stand hearing that horrible noise once again.

I open the door, moderately pissed at whoever it is ringing the bell continuously and interrupting my repose. It's a woman. A middle aged woman. With a stern face and eyes that look kind of familiar. Her shoulder length blonde hair styled with perfection. The peach coloured dress she's wearing has expensive written all over it. A handbag of the same shade is hanging from her right shoulder.

She looks at me with surprise evident in her eyes. Green eyes. Yes! just like Sakura's. But... there's something different.

"Umm... excuse me... I'm here to see my daughter. I thought this was her flat," she smiles and it's all like Sakura except it's completely different.

When Sakura smiles, it reaches her eyes. Making the bright green shade shine even brighter. But this woman's smile isn't reaching her eyes. It's a very well practiced smile but I can see through it. It's all fake. Just a façade.

So, _you_ are the one. _You_ are the reason she was crying so helplessly that night? Just _how long_ have you been hurting her? _Why_ didn't you allow her to go out or make friends when she was a kid? _Why_ does she run away from you while you chase after her?

I have so many questions I want to ask her.

But I don't.

Instead, I just say, "I think you might be referring to the previous tenant. She moved out. I moved in last week."

I come out and shut the door behind me. The last thing I want is for Sakura to come out of the shower and face her mother.

No.

That night, I couldn't do anything. She was crying sitting where I'm standing right now. She looked so broken, so hurt, so vulnerable. And I just stood there and watched. But not today. I'll make sure she doesn't get hurt again. Not when I'm right here.

At my words, I see the look in Sakura's mother's eyes change. They flicker with what I recognise as pure rage. But it lasts only for a moment before she resumes her fake smile.

"Is that so?" she speaks in a sweet voice, "I'm so sorry I bothered you. Do you by any chance have any idea where she moved? She's my daughter and she never informs me about anything. I'm so worried."

"I'm sorry. I have no idea," I say curtly.

"I see. I'll excuse myself then. Have a nice day," she says in her musical tone accompanied by her fake smile and turns to leave. Her heels clicking against the floor.

I get back inside the flat and slam the door before leaning against it and taking a deep breath.

* * *

 **Note:** for those who didn't get it, 'Obliviate' is a spell from Harry Potter. It's used to erase particular memories from a person's brain.

Thanks to everyone who waited. I was sick like I've already said and then I didn't let myself get carried away because of my exam. It was yesterday and I had planned to finish this chapter as soon as I got home. But the cold gave me migraine and it's just disgusting.

This chapter once again turned out to be long. I hope it's not boring and unnecessarily dragging.

I'm so grateful for the lovely reviews you guys always leave me. And also for all the follows and favourites. My thanks to all of you.

I hope you all are doing well.

With lots of love,

June ❤️


	7. Stupidity

When was the last time I felt so excited about cooking? About _anything_ related to food?

At first, it was difficult. Losing weight. Because I loved to eat. I loved to cook. I loved food. The sight of food made me excited, made my mouth water. I wasn't overweight or anything. But I wanted the _perfect_ figure. And while there are many good qualities I lack, determination isn't one of them. I used to control myself no matter how hard it was. But as time passed, it started to get easier. The sight of my favourite foods didn't tempt me as much as they once did. Soon enough, I realised I no longer had any food I liked. In fact, it was as if food stopped being food to me. They were calories. Going to the store to buy snacks, the first thing I'd do was to turn the packet to read the components. How much sugar? How much carbohydrate? How much calories? I was afraid to eat. I'd starve myself. When hungry, I'd drink water. And at times when no longer able to control myself, I'd end up eating a bit, I'd rush to the toilet. To throw up.

Since I no longer wanted to associate myself with anything related to food, I gave up cooking. There was no point.

It's been a while since I gave up on my quest for so called perfection. And now, I _need_ _to_ eat. Otherwise I can't survive. All the time I was so terribly underweight, I used to be sick. Nothing too serious though. I'd catch a cold very easily. Small stuff like that. My lack of food intake was taking a toll on my immunity. I couldn't let that continue. Like Sasuke said the other day. Health is important. So, now I eat. Because I have to. Not because I love to. And I cook. Because it's cheaper that way. And generally healthier. It's no longer something I enjoy.

But this feeling right now, it's so familiar it almost feels nostalgic. The very idea of preparing a meal for Sasuke is making me so damn excited. To be honest, I'm regretting not buying some fancy ingredients. I wish I could give him a glimpse of my culinary skills.

Coming out, I find Sasuke on my couch. With his usual serious expression. Or does he look a little more serious than normal?

"I'm done," I get closer to him, "Will make lunch now."

He looks at me but doesn't say anything. As I get inside the kitchen and start getting the ingredients, he appears.

"I'll help.'

Huh?

"You don't need to, you're my guest today."

"I..." unable to find the right words, he simply stares at me. As if whatever he can't express using words, he'd convey to me with his eyes.

But unfortunately, I don't understand him to that extent. Not yet.

"Okay, I'll let you help. It'll be faster that way," I try to give him a warm smile.

"I can't cook," he blurts out.

"Oh? But you still want to help? That's so sweet of you."

The tips of his ears take up a reddish hue.

That's... so cute?

"I'll give you a simple task then. Can you use a knife?"

"Yes."

"Then chop the basil first. You don't have to make the leaves very fine but the stalks need to be chopped finely. Otherwise, they wouldn't cook evenly."

"Okay," he says and grabs the knife and the basil.

I'm about to go for the spaghetti after gathering the tomatoes, onions and peas on the counter when Sasuke asks, "Is this all right?"

He shows me the chopping-board with the chopped basil on it. The look on his face tells me he's taking this task very seriously. I find it really amusing.

The Uchiha Sasuke, the tennis prodigy, who exudes pride and confidence with every step he takes, that Uchiha Sasuke is here in my little shabby kitchen, following my orders like an obedient little kid. It's as if he's a totally different person.

The whole campus knows he's cool. But being able to see this adorable side of him, I feel so lucky.

"Absolutely," I say with an encouraging smile, although it's not exactly the way I'd prefer it. I don't want to be harsh on him. Especially knowing how this is new to him.

"Can you chop the tomatoes next?"

"Ah."

"Thank you," I smile again.

.

.

.

"So, about your match with Gaara, how are you preparing?"

"Hn?" he lifts his face from the chopping-board to look at me. "Just usual practice."

"Isn't this supposed to be a super important match?" I raise an eyebrow, "He's the champion of Suna, you're the champion of Konoha, that kind of thing."

"Every match is important to me. I _always_ want to win." I see the adorable Sasuke from moments ago replaced by an extremely determined one.

"That's... I get it... You always work your hardest," I say as I peel an onion. "I've always been curious you know. I mean about Kakashi. He's the top player right now and everyone knows him because of that," I look at Sasuke, "But I'm really curious about the time when he was just another boy playing tennis. Hoping to make it big someday. When no one knew his name. I really want to know about the journey that took him from there to here."

Sasuke just looks back at me without any word.

"I don't think we give people enough credit. Like, you see, when a dancer performs, it lasts like five minutes. But to perfect that five-minute performance, they have to put hours and hours of hard work. Hard work that no-one sees. All people see is their perfect five-minute performance on stage and call them talented. As if it was gifted to them. Not getting that they actually earned it with dedication and hard work."

I see Sasuke narrowing his eyes a little.

"I'm talking too much," I smile apologetically; "I'll shut up."

"No," he shrugs as he goes back to chopping, "I agree. Maybe certain things come easily to certain people, you could call that luck. But luck alone won't get you anywhere if you don't put work into it. Even if dancing comes easily to someone, it's no use if they don't really dance."

He puts his knife down. "It's done."

"Ah. Next is onion and garlic."

I pour water into the pot. To me, the most crucial part of making spaghetti is cooking the pasta. You have to be very careful, just a few seconds can make a huge difference. An undesired one of course.

Therefore, while cooking spaghetti, I never leave the spot. As soon as I get it al dente, I strain it immediately. To make sure it doesn't get overcooked. If I can get that done without a hassle, rest is a piece of cake.

* * *

Sakura looks so focused, watching over the boiling pot with full attention. It's almost like she has totally forgotten I'm even here.

I've never seen this side of hers before. I think it's really... interesting.

I focus on chopping the onion. Raising a noise as the knife hits the wooden surface of the chopping-board. I'm still in a dilemma about how to tell her about her mother. Or, more importantly, whether to. At least for now.

I was really pissed to see her mother. It was a really tough decision I made out there. To not confront her like I very much wanted to.

But it was the right decision. It's not my place to do that. It has to be Sakura. This is her fight, I can lend her my strength if she wants me to. To be honest, I'll be extremely happy to do that. But I can't fight in her place. She has to do that herself.

And I'm almost sure she isn't ready yet. So, I believe I did the right thing by shielding her for now.

"Spaghetti is cooked," Sakura's happy voice resounds in the kitchen. Abruptly pulling me out of my thoughts. "Are you done, Sasuke?"

"Almost."

"Great, I'll get the frying pan. Let's make absolutely delicious spaghetti," she gives a broad smile.

For some reason, she looks especially happy after cooking the pasta.

No. I won't tell her right now. Not when she's this happy. I'll have time for it later.

This is totally new to me. I'm chopping vegetables in the kitchen. It's not something I've ever wanted to do. Neither is it something I can't wait to do again.

Unless...

It's with the same person.

It's not just now. I've felt this way before.

That day when we went for dinner, that night on the rooftop, today while walking back to her flat.

It's a feeling I've started to associate with Sakura. A feeling of belonging. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing. When I'm with her, I don't feel like I want to be anywhere else.

"You know, you might treat it as just another match, but I'm super excited," Sakura says as she mixes the ingredients with the spaghetti, "It's going to be my first time watching you play a match."

Oh. She's right. It's going to be my first time playing a match in front of her. She looks really excited.

"What if... I lose?"

How disappointed will you be? Won't you think of me as a failure? A disappointment?

"What happened to always wanting to win?" she frowns.

"I can only try my best, but..." I look her in the eye, "Winning or losing depends on my opponent's performance as well."

"Then, it's all right. If you've done your best, then you should feel proud," she gives an assuring smile, "You know, there has been times when Kakashi lost the match, but I absolutely loved watching him play, I felt really proud. Because he was awesome. He lost simply because his opponent played better that day."

I just look at her, unsure of what to say.

"Pasta is ready," Sakura declares happily, "Let's eat, Sasuke."

"Ah."

We sit on the couch, plates in our hands.

"Sorry I don't have a dinning table. You can keep your plate on the coffee table if you want."

"I don't mind."

I take the first bite. As I chew, I see Sakura looking at me with expecting eyes.

"How's it? Don't you dare lie. If you think it's horrible say so."

That's bold.

"I like it."

I really do. And it's been years since someone cooked for me without getting paid for it. Somehow that's affecting me as well. But I think she really knows how to cook.

"You better not be lying," she warns, raising her right brow.

She can be kind of intimidating if she feels like it.

"I'm not."

"That's good to know," she giggles immediately.

What an abrupt change! How does she even do that?

She plunges the fork into the pasta and rolls it. We eat in silence. Sitting side by side on that old couch.

I can see her out of the corner of my eye. She's sitting with her legs folded. And that has made her baggy shorts ride up a little bit, granting me a view of her knees and lower thighs. And it looks... tempting.

Her skin looks really soft and smooth. It has a peachy undertone and looks really hydrated and healthy. There's a faint fragrance coming from her that I can recognise even over the comparatively stronger smell of the food.

Why does she not look like she even cares that her thighs are exposed to my eyes? Is she like this with her friends Sai and Shikamaru as well? Because maybe _I_ am the one who's supposed to look away, instead of trying to imagine what it might feel like to touch that flawless skin of hers. Maybe I don't deserve her trust.

But I'm not a pervert. I've never felt this way before. I've always had huge fan following. I have received different sorts of invitations from many girls. And I didn't have the slightest interest.

It's just Sakura who makes me feel this way.

"What?"

Her question makes me realise that by now, I'm openly staring at her thighs.

Great! You perverted bastard!

"Why do you wear men's shorts?"

That was close, Sasuke! Besides, I've been really curious about this.

"Because they have pockets," she leaves her fork on her plate and puts her right hand inside one, "See? And real big ones that can carry things. I don't know who came up with the idea that women don't need pockets. What do they think? We don't have things we need to carry?"

Okay. This is a whole new concept to me. I didn't even have any idea that women's shorts don't have pockets. So I don't know what to say. But I agree with her. I mean, why would anyone think that women don't need pockets?

.

.

.

"Do you want seconds?" Sakura asks when I finish my portion.

I think I do. But will it be impolite to say so? Should I refuse?

"You said you liked it," she eyes me suspiciously.

Of course I did.

"I'll have seconds."

Her face lights up, she jumps out of the couch and almost rushes to the kitchen. To come back a few moments later. With the entire container.

She looks really happy as she serves me another helping.

After a while, she clears her plate and reaches for some more.

"I'm eating more than I normally do," she gives me a smile.

Didn't she say something similar the day we went for dinner? And more importantly, isn't it something she actually needs to do?

* * *

After Sasuke leaves, I feel his scent lingering in my living room. It's not a strong scent or anything. Just a very faint smell that I know wasn't here before. I didn't even sense it while he was here. But now that he's gone, suddenly I'm becoming conscious of it. And it feels kind of comforting.

I'm totally doomed. The more time I spend with him, the harder I fall for him.

And it scares me.

Because it's one sided. I don't think Sasuke feels anything for me in that way. So, I'll only get my heart broken if I encourage this. But...

Not like I'm doing this on purpose.

.

.

.

"How are things with Sasuke?" Shikamaru asks as he takes a lazy bite of his sandwich.

"Huh?" my mouth remains open, the hand holding the dumpling freezes where it was.

 _How_ does he know?

No no!

 _What_ does he know?

I haven't told anyone. Literally anyone! Not even Ino.

Actually, especially Ino. She can be really pushy when it comes to things like this. If I had let her, she'd have recruited a boyfriend for me long ago. So, I don't want to tell her yet. Not while I have so many doubts eating at me.

"What are you talking about?"

"That night, when you decided he'd make a great pillow, I was still awake," he says matter-of-factly.

And I feel all my blood rush to my face. I put the dumpling back. I can't look at him anymore.

Why? Just why?

But I'm glad it was him and not Ino or Sai. Shikamaru is understanding. He won't go around teasing me. He's too lazy for that.

And now that I think about it, that incident was a few weeks ago. But he's only asking today, when Ino and Sai decided to go on a lunch date to a nearby restaurant. He actually is asking this out of concern. So, I decide to be a little honest.

"Well... How do I put it?" I bite my lip, "I guess I could say... we've become closer as friends?"

"Are you guys dating?"

I almost jump out of my seat. But looking at him, his face is completely serious. He isn't teasing me.

"Of course not! Where did that come from?"

"Your face is almost as red as a tomato," his serious expression doesn't change.

"I... Well..." I have no idea how to say what I want to say. I'm not sure I even know what I want to say.

"Do you have a crush on him or something?"

I stare at him for a while. Blinking open-mouthed.

"Do you think it's stupid?"

"It doesn't matter what I think. Or what _anybody_ thinks. The only other person whose opinion matters in this case is Sasuke," he stops to take another bite; "However, for your answer, I don't."

I look him in the eye.

"Love isn't exactly a choice. Is it? It's more of a realisation. You just suddenly discover that you love this person. They might have a hundred qualities you don't like, but none of that matters."

"Do you feel that way about Temari?"

"I do," he confesses so easily with a lazy nod of his head, "I, personally have always despised women who seem too dominating or loud. But, I love Temari. At times, I do think she's a little troublesome. But I don't care."

It makes me smile for some reason.

"I'm glad you finally found the courage to ask her out."

"Me too."

"I _do_ like him," I confess my feelings to someone for the first time. I hear the words. My own words. Loud and clear.

"I like it when I'm with him," I hesitate for a while, "Last Sunday, he helped me carry my shopping bags and I invited him for lunch."

I pause to allow him the chance to react. But he doesn't.

"I felt so excited, I really wanted to impress him. When he said he liked my cooking, it felt like one of my greatest achievements ever."

I feel my face getting hot. I look away from him and take a bite of my dumpling. It has turned a little cold by now.

"I've planned a really hectic schedule for the week just so I can make time for his match against Gaara on Sunday."

"But," I look down at the table, "I don't think he feels the same way about me. I'm afraid I'll get hurt this way. I, of all people, shouldn't lose my mind. I told myself so many times that I'll never be so head over heels for anyone that I'd lose my ability to think rationally."

"I think you're worrying a little too much. You're not even sure he doesn't return your feelings. You just said he carried your bags for you. I mean, I don't know him well but he clearly isn't the type to go around volunteering to help people."

"That... Well... He was just doing it as a friend."

"Did he explicitly tell you that?"

"Huh?"

"Look, I'm not telling you that he does like you. I'm just pointing out that he hasn't confirmed otherwise."

He does have a point.

* * *

 _'All the best for today's match, little brother.'_

I really don't get it. He normally behaves like he couldn't care less about my very existence. But whenever I have any important match, his message is the first thing to greet me when I check my phone in the morning.

Always.

How does he even find out about my matches?

Although he's my brother, I never got the chance to grow up together with him. As the eldest son, he was supposed to inherit our family's hospital. He was to attend the boarding school my father and uncle had attended. And in order to prepare for the infamous entrance test there, he was to be sent to one particular school. So, he moved to our uncle's place. He was eight then, I was just three.

Sometimes he'd come home during the holidays, sometimes he wouldn't. Even when he did visit, he'd always be immersed in his studies. Sometimes, he'd have serious conversations with our father.

We almost never spent time together. But he was the one who taught me how to ride a bicycle. I still remember it. Generally, it's considered the job of a father. But my father never spent time with me. In the beginning, because I was still too young for him to start my medical training. And later, because he realised I'm never going to become a doctor. He decided to turn his undivided attention towards Itachi, his successor.

I used to envy Itachi. He was loved and appreciated by my father, my uncle, all my family members.

I consider myself a hard worker. But he worked even harder. And from a much younger age. He always knew what he was going to do and was very focused.

For me, I took time. I started to play tennis when my mother enrolled me at the academy because she had hoped it'd help me make some friends. But as time passed, I figured that I loved this game. Maybe way too much. Therefore I never wanted to give it up even when things were difficult.

But when I turned eight, my father declared that I, too, had to move to my uncle's place to attend that very school. He told me I had to stop ' _wasting my time'_ with tennis and start preparing for my future as a doctor. Like a proper Uchiha kid is supposed to do.

But my mother supported me. She managed to convince my father. So, in the end, he let me continue with tennis. But he decided that I no longer needed or deserved anything except financial support from him.

It did hurt me at first. But then, I started to get used to it.

When I was eleven, I reached the final of a tournament for the first time. It was my biggest achievement till then. I was elated. And so was my mother. She coaxed my father into coming with her to watch me play. I was really excited. Because it was my first final. But more because it was my first time playing in front of my father. I wanted to prove myself in front of him.

But I lost that match.

And I still remember the disappointed look on his face. He had especially taken the day off to come to the match.

"I don't want to see a repetition of this ever again," was all he said.

The idea of playing in front of Sakura for the first time makes me a little too conscious. I know she's nothing like my father. If anything, she's kind of like my mother. She even said as long as I give my best, she wouldn't mind if I lost. But still...

I spot her in the gallery. It's absurdly easy with that hair of hers. Our eyes meet for a brief moment. I give a slight nod and she waves her hand at me. A bright smile on her face. Having acknowledged her presence, now I have to forget about everything except the game.

* * *

Sasuke is really good at this! And very focused. Once he's on court, he seems to forget about everything else. I think in that respect he's a little similar to Kakashi. He, too, has that never-give-up attitude. It's something I really admire. _It isn't over until it's over._

The match is going on great. Both Sasuke and Gaara are having to fight for every single point. This is the fifth set. There's no tie break and it's going on and on.

Sasuke manages to win a break point which gives him the lead at 8-7. Finally! Now, all he needs to do is to ensure that Gaara does not break his serve.

I often think that watching matches like this isn't very good for my health. I get way too excited. Whenever a rally keeps going on for a long time, every time I hear the sound of a racket hitting the ball, my heart tends to jump. And now that Sasuke finally is just one point away from taking this match, my heart is acting like it wants to break free from my chest.

Finally, as Gaara tries to place a backhand, the angling goes a little wrong and the ball hits the net, not managing to make it to Sasuke's side of the court.

And I jump throwing my fists into the air shouting, "Yes! Yes! Yes!".

Everyone around me turns to stare.

Huh. As if I care.

Sasuke won!

.

.

.

I've never been to a locker room before. So, when Naruto shows me the way and tells me to go ahead, I feel a little nervous. I walk with caution as if someone is going to capture me for stepping into an enemy territory.

I'm Sasuke's friend, right? I can totally come to congratulate him in the locker room.

Yes, I absolutely can. There's nothing wrong about it. It's totally normal.

"Sasuke?" I see him. Turning away from me. Most likely zipping his jacket up.

He turns around. If he's surprised to see me here, it doesn't show much on his face. He's still wearing the shorts he wore during the match. But has changed out of his T-shirt and now has a grey jacket on. The zip is till half-open thanks to me. Bestowing upon me a flawless view of his broad chest.

"You won!" I exclaim loudly, "You won Sasuke! You were amazing! It was so much fun to watch you on court."

He just stares at me as I spring towards him out of my excessive excitement.

Next thing I know, I'm standing right in front of him. The extreme closeness pointing out our height difference so blatantly that I have to really strain my neck to look up at his face.

Then, confidently making the stupidest decision of my life so far, I plant my palms on his shoulders and using them as support, I leap lightly and peck him on those thin lips that I continue having dreams about.

As I see the shocked look on his face the next moment, I come back to my senses.

What did I do?

What did I just do?

I kissed Sasuke!

I kissed him.

And on the lips out of all places. Not on the cheeks, not on the nose, not anywhere else, but on the lips.

I stand there aghast, staring at him in horror, my heartbeat ringing in my ears. He's so taken aback that he isn't even blinking. His dark black eyes piercing through me.

Then, I turn.

I have no idea how to deal with the mess I just made. I always knew that getting too carried away was no good. Ever. I think I just ruined something really precious to me and hopefully to Sasuke as well. And I don't want to give him a chance to confront me. Not at all. I'm not ready.

So, I run. I mean, I make an attempt to run but I can't.

Because...

A suddenly feel a strong grip on my wrist. Then it pulls me and before my mind even finds the time to register everything, I feel something soft on my lips.

Sasuke is kissing me.

* * *

 **Note:** I thought I've established enough emotional connection to allow a sudden kiss to happen. Do you guys think I rushed it?

I swear that with every chapter, your reviews are getting lovelier. I had started this story totally on a whim, I never ever expected this much love and support. I can never thank you enough.

My migraine has given me respite for now, thank you for your concern. I hope you all are taking care of yourselves as well.

With love,

June ❤️


	8. NOTE

**NOTE**

I'm deleting the chapters from here onwards. Because I think the writing style of this particular fic is a little weird. I mean the form of speech, I don't think it suits the first person POV all the time. This was my first fic, like one day I felt like writing a story and the next day I posted it, I didn't exactly take my time honing my skills or whatever. I never expected people to actually read it in the first place. Anyway, I've been editing this fic for a while and I left a note explaining that. But I can see people are still reading it and it makes me kinda self-conscious. So, in the end I decided to delete it. The chapters upto here have already been reviewed and I'll post the rest as I edit them. Sorry to the people who have already read it and will be getting alerts every time I re-post a chapter.

Also, a guest requested me for an epilogue with baby Sarada. And the thing is last year, three of my neighbours have had baby girls. So I'm seeing baby girls a lot lately and one of them is especially friendly with my family so I see her every now and then and her mother also lets me hold her or take her for walks at times. She mostly wears red and that matched with her black hair and eyes makes me think of... yeah you're right. Our kawaii peanut Sarada. So, I decided to write a short epilogue. Hence, once I'm done posting the twenty five chapters, there will be an epilogue. I just hope I don't take an eternity to do it all.

Thank you for your support and once again, sorry for the trouble.

Love, June ❣⃛(❛ั◡˜๑)


	9. Deal

"Oi, Sasuke, did Saku-ra-"

Naruto's abrupt interruption brings my mind down from the high. I become aware of our current state.

My hands around Sakura, holding her close, almost enveloping her smaller stature, the softness of her lips against mine. Her hands on my chest, her body-heat reaching out to me.

Shit!

The first thing I do is letting go of her and taking a step back. She looks terribly shaken as her gaze finds mine. Green eyes wider than I've ever seen them, mouth slightly open. She stares at me for a few full seconds, then looks down, gathering her arms as close to her body as she can.

She looks... frightened?

I fucked up. Didn't I?

What do I do now? I see Sakura cast her gaze down and touch her lips lightly with her fingertips.

"Sakura... I..."

Not that I was ever good with words, but this is beyond hopeless. "I'm... I'm sorry..."

But do I really regret it?

"I didn't..."

With an immediate jerk of her head, she looks up back at me. I see tears, threatening to spill out of her eyes.

Fuck!

She's crying! I made her cry.

What can I possibly do now? I did apologise but clearly, she's still upset.

"Sakura-"

"I... I should go." She doesn't meet my eyes as she runs towards the door. Walking past Naruto, she storms out of the room. Out of my sight.

I'm sure I didn't imagine it. Her voice was shaking when she spoke.

Naruto starts approaching me, with a sly grin on his face.

"Oh ho? Definitely didn't expect to walk in on _that_."

"Shut up!" I growl.

"You expect me to shut up after catching you red-handed like this?" he smirks; "Making out in the locker room. Man, you sure have made some progress."

I've never wanted to punch him harder.

"Look, Naruto, I'm in no mood for your stupid jokes."

"Who's joking?"

"Leave. Me. Alone."

"I will once you've answered my questions."

"I was _not_ making out with Sakura. I kissed her because I lost control and now she's probably scared of me. You got your answer. Now GET OUT," I shout.

I see a furrow appear on Naruto's forehead.

* * *

I feel the heat of the tears streaming down my cheeks. I see people gawk at me and whisper. But I'm too devastated to care. I wipe my cheeks with my sleeve and run through the campus that would have been much less crowded on a Sunday evening if not for the match today.

As soon as I manage to step inside my flat, I rush to the bedroom and jump onto the bed. I stuff my face into the pillow and then, I cry.

My pillow keeps getting damp as I cry without a pause. It's like an old habit. It comes to me as easily as breathing. When the pain gets too much to bear anymore, I try to shade some of it at the expense of my tear glands. But today it feels way too much. It's so overwhelming. It hurts so bad. So bad.

Why did it turn out this way? Why is the world so cruel? Was my life not hard enough already? What excuse do I use to console myself this time?

Why did you let this happen to me, Granny? Why did you let me fall for him if he wasn't going to return my feelings? Aren't you supposed to be my Guardian Angel?

.

.

.

My head starts to ache from crying too long. So, wiping my cheeks, I finally sit up. I might have been crying for over an hour now.

And I still don't feel any better. I still feel like shit. I feel like something is there inside me, constricting me, suffocating me, killing me.

But I have to face the truth no matter how harsh it is.

I fell for Sasuke. I saw it coming. I knew the risks but I was too drunk on this new feeling and went beyond the point of no return.

And now I'm finally hit in the face with the fact that he doesn't reciprocate my feelings. He apologised for kissing me. He clearly regrets it. Tears gush out of my eyes once again.

Why Sasuke?

But... How can I blame him? He didn't ask me to love him. It's exactly like Shikamaru said. By the time I figured it out, it was already too late.

But his feelings played no part in it. I loved him on my own, without any encouragement from him. I loved him for my own selfish reasons. It was all about me. I brought this upon myself. So, now I have no rights to complain.

I wish I could go back in time and undo the kiss. Then things could go back to how they were before. To the time when my hopes and dreams weren't crumbled down like a house of cards. Not yet.

But...

I absolutely loved the way his lips felt on mine. I loved every single thing about it. The way his right hand found a fistful of my hair to hold my head in place, the way his left one rested itself on my lower back, pressing me against his body. He was taller, his shoulders wider, his body harder. But he was also very gentle. He had offered me a sense of protection holding me like that. The kiss had made me feel butterflies in my stomach. I felt like I was flying high above the clouds. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I don't think I could've ever hoped for a better first kiss. It was perfect in all possible ways.

It all happened so fast. I was at my wit's end. I couldn't believe Sasuke really did that. He stopped me and kissed me. When Naruto's sudden interruption made him let go of me, I was still trying to process it all in my brain.

But before I could do that, before I could rejoice, Sasuke's unforgiving words entered my ears.

"I'm sorry," he said. The pain was so bad, I swear he could have slapped me in the face and it would have hurt less.

The kiss was just like our relationship. I was in it with my very soul and for him, it was something casual. Very frivolous. With no deep meaning. Had I not lost my mind and kissed him first, he never would've thought about kissing me. It was just on a whim on his part.

It's such a mixed feeling. I'm almost happy. Almost. Because I had my first kiss today. With the person I like. And yet at the same time, I feel so empty because I know I won't get to experience this again...

But am I acting like a spoilt brat?

I mean I'm not the only girl whose first love went unrequited. So, maybe I should stop being a drama queen and get over it. I have just one life and I've got to get the best out of it. Things won't always go the way I want them to. I can't let them break me. I must keep going. Right? Because the moment I give up is the moment I lose.

Yes, Sakura. Pull yourself together. Be the strong woman you promised yourself you would be.

I grab a towel and go for a cold shower. The assaulting droplets of chilly water sting my skin unmercifully. But I like it. It feels kinda refreshing. Like a wake up call.

Coming out, I make myself a cup of coffee. With extra sugar. Nothing wins against sweets during my moments of depression. I wish I had some chocolate in the fridge. But I don't and right now I'm not in the mood to go out and buy some.

I sit on my bed, sipping the sweet drink. The towel still wrapped around my hair. I think I might get a cold at this rate but I can't really bring myself to care. My stomach grumbles. I need some solid food. I haven't eaten anything since lunch. It's past dinnertime now. No wonder I'm hungry. But I can't find the energy to eat.

Instead, I switch on my laptop and play _Helter_ _Skelter_. I've never been fond of this particular song. It never made any sense to me. The lyrics is too confusing. But if I try to think about Sasuke, it gets too complicated. It's like losing your way in a labyrinth. So I just want to distract myself.

I put the song on repeat and keep on sipping my coffee. Ignoring the rebellion of my deprived stomach.

* * *

What do I do?

By now, I've stared long enough at the pale yellow ceiling to make my eyes go dry. I blink a few times.

Why did she have to go ahead and kiss me on the lips? I was doing great. My eyes were all I had lost control of. The rest of my body was still listening to me.

Why did she have to ruin it all?

Then again, how is she supposed to know? Not like she has any idea what goes on in my head.

But I don't get it. Am I just infatuated with her or do I really love her? When you love someone, aren't you supposed to care about them? Their feelings? If I really did love her, then could I have acted the way I did? Shouldn't I have taken a moment to make sure how she felt? Even now, am I really sorry for what I did? Yes, I do feel guilty but part of it is also because of the effect it'll have on our _friendship_. That's selfish of me. Isn't it? And the worst is...

I can't help remembering how it felt. I keep playing it in my mind again and again, trying to re-live those few moments I was holding her. She felt so much smaller. The way her body fit perfectly in my embrace, it felt like she belonged there. She was soft and warm against my body, I didn't want to let go, I wanted to hold her like that, keeping her safe.

Talk about hypocrisy. Who am I to keep her safe? _I_ am one of the things she needs safety from. Thankfully Naruto came. Otherwise I wouldn't have let her go. I couldn't even think straight. All I knew was Sakura's lips under mine.

I fucked up big time. Huh?

It was after a long match, the adrenaline was still high. One moment Sakura was standing in front of me, the next, her lips were on mine. It all happened so fast, everything got jumbled up inside my head and the boundaries became too hazy. I ended up crossing the line.

I hear myself sigh.

I'm hopeless. Ain't I? At this point I don't even know what to do. I want her. I want her for myself. I want to keep her.

And I can't.

Because she's a person, not a possession. _She_ is the one who decides if she wants to be in my life. And after what I did today, I doubt that's possible anymore. I can no longer go around pretending to be 'just friends' with her.

I should apologise to her first. Even if this becomes the end of our _friendship_ , at least I need to admit my mistake.

I pick up my phone from the mattress.

 _'I'm really sorry about my behaviour earlier'_ I type and then I erase it just as fast.

It sounds way too empty. Too fake. Maybe she'll see through it. She'll easily figure out that I'm not as sorry as I'm claiming to be.

Shall I just go to her place? Maybe going there, talking to her face to face, it'll be easier. At least she'll have to hear me out. It's easier to cut you off over the phone. Right?

The phone beeps. Almost startling me.

A new message.

 _'Well done, little brother. You've been working really hard.'_

Again. How does he even know?

 _'Don't make fun of me. You work harder than anyone I know.'_

 _'You really think so?'_

Huh?!

When I send him a message, it takes him at least a day to reply. Generally longer. Calling him barely works. He's way too busy.

 _'Yes.'_

 _'That's good to know.'_

Seriously?!

What's wrong with him today? It almost feels like we're having a real conversation. The last time we had one was so long ago that I don't even remember when it was.

And it makes me feel a little warm.

Wait a minute! I could ask him for some advice regarding Sakura. After all, he's my brother. Maybe he has been through something similar?

Who am I kidding? Itachi is synonymous to perfection. I bet it's the girl who falls for him first. He isn't pathetic like me to fall hopelessly in love with a girl who doesn't even reciprocate his feelings and then unable to control himself, ends up kissing her. Frightening her away.

No way. I'm not asking him.

 _'You too, Sasuke. You're a very sincere and hard-working boy.'_

What the-

 _'Are you drunk?'_

At this point, that's the only possible explanation. Although, does he even get drunk?

 _'Not at all.'_ Comes his immediate reply.

 _'Can I not speak a few words of encouragement to my little brother?'_

 _'You can but you don't.'_

I check the time. It's late already.

 _'I'll talk to you later, Itachi. Right now I have something important to do.'_

 _'Shouldn't you be taking it a little easy after a match? Don't be too harsh on yourself.'_

I'm still typing my reply when his next message enters the chat box.

 _'Anyway. All the best, little brother. Take care. And goodbye.'_

Why is he making it sound so dramatic?

I roll my eyes as I type a short _'Bye'_ before getting up from the bed.

.

.

.

It's late. Shall I go back and come tomorrow?

But tomorrow is Monday. She'll have classes. I don't know till when. And until I make things clear with her, this won't stop bothering me. So, in the end, I take a deep breath and ring the bell.

What's the worst that can happen? She can kick me out. Well, I kinda deserve it to be honest. I hear light footsteps approaching the door. My heart starts to beat violently in my chest. My palms start to sweat. My mouth goes dry.

Then the door opens partly and Sakura peeks. Her eyes are red and puffy, the tip of her nose red.

She cried that hard? This looks worse than I imagined.

I'm the biggest hypocrite alive. Wasn't I the one who was mad at her mother for making her cry? And now, _I_ am the reason she's crying.

She looks different. Her hair looks slightly damp. Most likely she took a shower. She's clad in a way too loose light green T-shirt with red track-pants. One of her hands is holding the doorknob while the other, a coffee mug.

Her eyes widen a little at my sight.

"Sa- Suke?" her voice sounds hoarse. Side-effect of crying.

"I need to talk to you," I hesitate, "May... I come in?"

I swear I won't try anything.

She moves aside without any word, letting me in. Shutting the door behind us, she looks at me with eyes full of questions.

"I... It's about what happened earlier."

She immediately hangs her head and murmurs, almost inaudibly, "I'm sorry, Sasuke."

Eh?

What is _she_ apologising for?

"What are you talking about?"

She lifts her face to look at me for a moment before casting her gaze down once again.

"I... I..." her voice shakes. As if she'll burst into tears any moment now.

"Sakura-"

She doesn't reply. Neither does she look at me again.

And then, suddenly, her stomach grumbles loudly.

Isn't it past dinnertime already?

"Did you eat dinner?"

Not yet lifting her face, she just shakes her head.

All of that because of what I did? Man, this is bad! On top of that, she's drinking coffee at this hour. She might not even be able to sleep tonight.

I take a look at her couch. Crammed as usual. I sigh.

"Go inside, I'll order some takeaway."

At this, she finally meets my eye, as if weighing my words. Then she heads towards the bedroom.

* * *

Why is Sasuke here? What is it he wants to talk about? Is he here to tell me that he finally figured out my hidden motives? That he doesn't think we can be friends anymore?

My eyes tear up once again. I put the coffee mug down and pause the song.

I don't want to lose him. I can't lose his love cause I never had it in the first place. But I did have his friendship. And I want to keep it. Please. Can't I? He doesn't have to see me as a romantic partner. As long as I can hang out with him and have him close, even if it's only as a friend-

"Sakura," Sasuke calls from outside the door. "Is bok choy and chicken dumplings okay?"

Having my thoughts interrupted all of a sudden, it takes me a few moments to get the question. I nod.

"Good."

He's ordering dumplings. Does that mean he was actually listening to me when I told him I like to eat dumplings? And he remembers it?

I feel like crying again. I want to cry and complain. Throw a tantrum. I was almost there. I was about to pull myself together. But then he appeared at my door. And now he's here. Inside my flat, ordering dumplings for me.

What am I supposed to make of it? Or am I even supposed to make anything of it? I don't know what to think anymore.

"It'll be here in twenty minutes," Sasuke reappears at the door.

"Why are you doing this?"

If you're here to end everything between us, then do it and leave. Why are you being so nice? That's not going to make it easier for me. It'd only work as a painful reminder of what I couldn't have.

"Doing what?" Sasuke stands at the threshold.

"You do it all the time, Sasuke. All the damn time. You act too nice with me. Too kind, to gentle. It gives me false hope."

"False hope?" the faintest hint of a frown appears on his forehead, "Like?"

"Like you... really care about me."

* * *

Huh?

I mean, I admit I shouldn't have grabbed and kissed her like I did, but this is going a little overboard.

"I _do_ care about you."

I don't know, at this point, shouldn't it be obvious? So why does she look like it's the most unbelievable thing she's ever heard? Like it's simply impossible for me to care for her?

I finally step inside her bedroom. I was trying to be respectful but this whole thing has gotten too fucked up. We need to have a proper conversation.

"That day," I hesitate for a moment, "The day you were crying in front of your door, I... lied to you."

She just blinks open mouthed. Once. Twice. And then thrice. I guess by now it's practically impossible for her to look any more surprised.

"I told you it was Naruto who asked me to check on you. It wasn't." I take a deep breath and while maintaining eye contact with her, I finally say it out loud, "I came to check on you because _I_ was worried about you. No one had asked me to do it. Not Naruto, not Ino. No-one"

I've cared for you longer than you know. I think I've cared for you longer than I have known.

Sakura keeps silent for what feels like an eternity before finally finding her voice again, "I... But why? I wasn't even your friend back then. We were practically strangers."

"That's why I lied. I Because it made no sense to me. I tried to tell myself it's none of my business. But I just couldn't shake off the feeling that something bad might have happened to you. That's why in the end, I decided to go check. Because if I asked someone else, they'd know. And I didn't want that. I didn't even want to admit it to myself."

"You... Really..."

"And when I saw you there, sitting on the floor, hugging yourself and crying, I felt really helpless. I hated that I couldn't so anything to comfort you."

"Why do you care about me, Sasuke?"

* * *

Just why? Are you doing this as charity? Because you think I'm pitiable?

 _'...sitting on the floor, hugging yourself and crying...'_

"I don't know," comes his clear reply, "I just know that I do."

And for some reason, it hurts. I don't know what I wanted to hear him say. I don't know anything at this point. It's all a mess. But at least, he's being honest. He's not sugar-coating things to make me feel better. He's stating it as it is. And as much as it hurts, I appreciate his honesty. At least, I don't have to be worried about being deceived.

"It's not like I decided that I'm going to care about you and got started. No. It just... happened. I saw you crying and I didn't like it. I wished there was something I could do to make you feel better. I felt like I don't want to see you cry like that ever again. And all of it was just as surprising to me as they are to you. Because like you said, we were nothing but strangers back then."

The doorbell rings. Interrupting us abruptly.

"Must be the food," before I can move, Sasuke turns around and goes to get it. As if answering my door is something very natural for him to do.

I hear voices and then Shikamaru shows up.

"You alright?"

Oh. I did send him a _'Got the confirmation you told me about'_ text shortly before Sasuke appeared here.

He's the laziest person I know. But he came here this late to check if I'm okay. I'm really lucky to have friends like him who care this much for me. Yes. My life doesn't revolve around Sasuke. Even if things don't work out with him, it's not the end of the world for me. I already have enough people in my life to be thankful for.

"I'm fine," the smile comes to me easily. Without having to force myself.

"I see."

The problem is that the object of our possible conversation is right here. Although Sasuke stayed back in the living room, clearly trying to give us privacy. But still, we can't simply start talking about him in here while he's right there in the next room.

"I'll leave then," Shikamaru says in his usual lazy tone, "Since he's here, talk with him properly. And call me in case something happens."

With that he leaves. I hear the door shut. But before Sasuke can make it back here, the bell rings again. After a while, Sasuke enters the room with two containers.

He gives me one, "Eat while it's still warm."

"Thank you," I take it from him, "Why don't you sit down?"

"Is that... okay?" he raises an eyebrow.

Thanks to Shikamaru's sudden visit, I'm feeling much lighter. The storm inside my head, the feeling of helplessness, it has eased down to some extent. So, I even find it a little amusing how Sasuke hesitates to get on my bed. Such a gentleman.

"I don't want you to eat while standing. It's uncomfortable."

"It is," he says and finally sits down at the edge of my bed.

But why is he eating with me?

"Didn't you eat dinner?"

He opens the lid of the container, "No."

"Why?"

"I didn't feel like eating," he says casually and looks up at me, "It was bothering me. What happened in the locker room." He picks one dumpling with the fork and bites into it.

I pick one up and take a bite as well.

"It's delicious! The chicken is soft and juicy."

Sasuke looks at me, giving a slight, almost undetectable nod.

"You like dumplings?"

"Not particularly," he shrugs.

Then why are you eating dumplings for dinner?

"Didn't you say you prefer dumplings?" he raises his eyebrows slightly.

"I do. Thanks for remembering."

So he indeed ordered them thinking about me. He really does think something of me. Huh? Even if it's just as a fellow human being and nothing more. I grab the cheap plastic container with both my hands and take a deep breath. Shikamaru was right. If I don't talk to him properly, it won't get me anywhere.

"Sasuke, I'm going to be honest with you for once."

He furrows his brows a little.

"Ever since I met you, you've been nothing but nice to me. You've got this hot-and-arrogant- bad-boy image in the campus, but when you're with me, that's not how I feel. I think you're actually a very kind and caring person. People just don't get to see the real you and assume things. You're..."

I see Sasuke watching me with a _I'm listening_ look on his face.

"Anyway, my point is... I think I'm in love with you."

Yes. I said it. Finally. I feel like a huge burden got lifted off my chest after crushing me under it's weight for a long time. And it almost feels ridiculous, how easily I can confess to him. Admitting it to Shikamaru was a lot harder. And I didn't even manage to tell Ino or Sai.

"I just couldn't help it, you know. When I'm with you, I feel so at peace. I feel safe and... I feel free. Like I can be myself in front of you. I've been much happier and healthier since you came into my life and I don't want to lose you. Ever."

Sasuke's eyes are on me but if my words are having any effect on him, at least his face doesn't give it away.

"That's why, when you stopped me and kissed me today, I thought maybe you feel the same way about me. For a moment, I was on cloud nine but then you apologised and I realised I was wrong. I realised that to you, it meant nothing. And I just... It just..." I hang my head as feel my vision get blurry once again. I don't want to be this pathetic. I told him. Because I don't wanna have regrets and... I need a clear answer. I want him to reject me properly, while being completely aware of my feelings. I want him to know exactly what it is I want from him and to say it to my face that he can't give it to me. Only then, can I move on. As much as it hurts to accept I can't have something I so desperately long for, it's even worse the way I am now. Hanging in the middle, unable to decide whether to move on or let go.

"Are you pulling a prank on me or are you serious?"

What?

"Of course I'm serious, Sasuke," I yell at him because just how can he? The tears I was trying so hard not to show him spill from my eyes, "When you can't return someone's feelings, at least take it seriously, Sasuke. Don't turn it into a joke."

* * *

"I'm not turning anything into any joke," I clarify immediately because she clearly is pissed. "I apologised because I thought... I had crossed a line I wasn't supposed to cross. I thought you saw me as nothing more than a friend."

So she's telling me that she actually liked it when I kissed her? And the reason she was crying was... because of my apology that followed? Because she thought it meant I didn't return her feelings. I mean, for me to _return_ her feelings, she has to have feelings for me first, right? Am I getting this right or is there a misunderstanding? Because this sounds exactly like... I want it to be.

The fuck?!

"Let me get this straight. You have feelings for me? As in romantic feelings?"

She nods, wiping the tears away. And I find myself at a loss for words. Not only words, I find myself unable to form thoughts.

"I..."

Sakura looks up at me.

"Sakura, I... don't know much about love. So I can't claim that I _love_ you. But there are... certain things that I know for sure," I look her straight in the eye, "I care about your well-being. I enjoy spending time with you. Like you said, with you I feel at ease. And, if possible, I want you to feel the same way about me."

Her eyes go wide.

"Which I think you're telling me you do."

She gasps.

"And also, I find you attractive..." I hesitate, thinking whether this might become where I cross the line but in the end, I decide to be honest, "Physically I mean."

Sakura's mouth opens and her face turns deep red, her pink eyebrows travel up to her forehead.

"Y-you... Sasuke, you like me back?" she blinks. Her thick pink eyelashes flutter.

"I think so, yes."

"Oh."

And then she falls silent. So we sit there on her bed, neither of us uttering a word, both trying to process the information handed to us.

"I thought... you came here to end our friendship. Because I... kissed you like that out of the blue."

"At least you weren't the one trying to shove your tongue into my mouth," a moment after saying it, I feel my entire face getting heated up. "Your food is getting cold," I say in a hurry as I stuff my mouth with an entire dumpling. Damn! This is embarrassing!

"Goddamn it, Sasuke I was so nervous," she finally laughs. "I think I imagined a hundred different scenarios on how you're going to dump me."

"To be honest, I panicked too. I mean, yours could definitely pass for a peck but there was no mistaking what I did out there. When I came here, I was fully prepared to get kicked out."

Sakura giggles.

"But seriously, thanks for coming here. Otherwise I'd still be crying over my broken heart like the heroine of a tragic film."

So, with our feelings being mutual, are we in a relationship now? Or do I have to ask her especially to be my girlfriend? How does these things work?

"From now on, before we assume something, let's ask each other first. It'll save us a lot of unnecessary trouble. What do you think, Sasuke?"

Hn?

"Sounds good to me," I shrug.

"So, it's a deal?"

"Deal."

She smiles happily and finally picks up the fork again. "Where did you order from? They gave so much. I don't think I can finish."

"You should try. You seem to eat more when you're with me."

At that, a shade of pink spreads through her cheeks.

Am I acting way too cocky? Well, it's justified. Right? I just found out that the girl I like likes me back.

Wait a minute! Do I love her or do I just like her? _What_ is the difference between the two anyway?

But who cares. I told her exactly how I feel. Whatever I call it, my feelings remain the same.

Before I get to bask in the glow of my newfound happiness, my phone rings suddenly.

"What's it, Moron?" the reason I don't bark at him like I'd normally do is because I'm in a terribly good mood right now.

"Are you returning tonight?"

Oh, shit! Getting into the dorm after eleven can be really troublesome. Not impossible, but _really_ troublesome.

"I am. I'll be there in a while." As I hang up, I see Sakura looking at me. "I've got to return. It's late already."

There still remains a lot of things we need to discuss. But we can't do it all in one day. At least now we know how both of us feel. We can take it slow. We have time.

Finishing the rest of my food in a hurry, I get ready to leave. "See you later."

"Good night, Sasuke," her voice is full of warmth as she gives me a bright smile. And getting on her tiptoes, she gives me a peck on the cheek. I feel all my blood rush to my face and neck.

Damn it! I better get used to this. It's so embarrassing that I turn into a blushing mess just at this.

"Night," I say and I hurry down the stairs.

It feels so different, so intimate. Sakura standing at the door, sending me away with that warm smile. It almost feels like I'm leaving home. And somewhere inside my heart, I regret that I have to leave in the first place. If only I didn't have to...

Reaching the last flight of stairs, what catches me by surprise is the guy sitting there. The same place where I had found Sakura on the day she was feeding Electron, Proton and Neutron. It takes me a while to figure out who it is.

Shikamaru.

He looks up hearing my footsteps.

What on earth is he doing here?

"I was starting to think you don't plan to leave tonight."

Before leaving Sakura's flat, he said to me, "Don't try anything funny. I'll be downstairs." I didn't take it that seriously. But now I finally get that he actually meant it.

"I had to talk to her. Properly."

"Yeah, I figured. I also met the guy who came to deliver your food," he shrugs nonchalantly as he stands up. His hand reaches inside his jeans pocket and pulls his phone out. Making a call, he holds it to his ear.

"It's me. Did he leave?"

"Are you alright? Do you want me to come over?"

"Ah. That's good. I'll hear the details later. Although I believe it's Ino you should prepare yourself to face."

Is he talking to Sakura?

"Yeah, just about to go to bed. Good night."

He hangs up.

"Turns out you really didn't try anything funny."

So, it really was Sakura?

"Why did you pretend like you're in your room?"

"She hates to trouble people. She won't like it," he sighs, "And if she's safe, that's all I care about. I don't need publicity."

I look at him. He doesn't look back, instead he starts going downstairs.

"You might want to hurry if you intend to get into the dorm tonight."

So, there was another side to this lazy guy who looks tired of everything in this world?

.

.

.

I know it's late from how bright the room looks. But I deserve it. Yesterday was really hectic. The match was long and tiring. Then there was that incident with Sakura.

At the thought, I feel an almost smile making its way to my lips. Not that I'll ever admit it to anyone. Well, maybe I could to Sakura. But no-one else. I stretch my arms and pull the blanket away. Reaching my hand, I pick the phone on the table. Today is one of those blissful mornings when an alarm doesn't dictate my life.

Damn! It's 10:30.

And I still feel lazy. Not yet ready to leave the comfort of bed.

I skim through today's headlines. As usual, media fussing over irrelevant things. The daily circus! Don't they get tired of this bullshit?

Suddenly, a headline catches my eye: **_Uchiha Itachi, Heir to The Uchiha Medical Institution, Reportedly Found Dead._**

* * *

 **Note:** Song mentioned: **_Helter Skelter_** by **_The_ _Beatles_**. Also, this song is how I came up with the name of this fic.

I hope you all are doing well.

With lots of love,

June ❤️

[Re-posted on 27.01.2020]


	10. Decision

I stand there looking at Sasuke's back. The faint smile he gives me before finally disappearing at the turn makes my stomach do somersaults. I shut the door and allow myself a few moments to breathe, leaning against it because I don't trust my legs to carry my weight anymore.

It really did happen. All of it. It was real! It was as real as the loud hammering against my ribs right at this very moment.

Sasuke's was here in my flat until a few moments ago, we had dinner in my bedroom and we talked. About the kiss. And Sasuke said he likes me back.

Sasuke likes me back!

Uchiha Sasuke, the boy I've been one-sidedly in love with for a while, turns out it wasn't one-sided after all. He likes me back and it's real and not just figments of my imagination.

My phone rings from the bedroom, dragging me down from my fly above the clouds.

"It's me. Did he leave?" Shikamaru sounds as disinterested as ever.

"Yeah. Just moments ago."

"Oh. Are you okay? Do you want me to come over?"

"No, no. I'm fine. I'm better than just fine" I find it practically impossible to contain my happiness, "I took your advice and talked to him properly. And guess what? He likes me back!" My eyes fall on my reflection in the mirror and I see myself grinning ear to ear.

"I see. That's good to know. I'll hear the details later. Although I believe it's Ino you should prepare yourself to face."

He's right. Ino will probably kill me for keeping it from her this long.

"I hope she doesn't eat me up alive. By the way, did you get back to your room? It's late."

"Yeah. I'm just about to go to bed. Good night."

"Good night."

I throw the phone onto the bed and dance around my room. Sasuke likes me back. He said so himself. Well, he didn't exactly say he 'likes' or 'loves' me. But that was definitely the underlying meaning of his words. All I care about is his feelings.

He even said he finds me physically attractive. Goddamn it!

And he said is so blatantly. Almost with a straight face. I feel my cheeks getting warm by simply remembering those words.

I stand in front of my small dressing table and look at myself in the mirror.

It's been a few years since I started to embrace myself for who I am. I no longer care about people's compliments. If they think I'm pretty, that's just their opinion. If they think I'm ugly, that too, is just their opinion. Those opinions don't bother me at all. Cause to me, I'm good enough. I'm good enough the way I am.

But today, when Sasuke told me he finds me attractive, I felt happy. I do care about _his_ opinion. I want to be pretty in his eyes. He hasn't really seen me very properly dressed up or wearing any make up. If anything, he has seen me crying like a helpless child, he has seen me drunk, he has seen me with my messy hair, in my baggy shorts. And he still said he finds me attractive.

I stare at the mirror and try to see myself through his eyes.

What is it about me that Sasuke finds attractive?

Is it my face? My hair? My eyes? My lips? My nose?

My nose.

I touch the bridge of my nose where I can still feel a small dent. The doctor had assured me it wouldn't be a problem. He said a surgery would be absolutely unnecessary. He told me I shouldn't be bothered about it at all, because it's not even visible.

He was right. It can't be seen. But when I touch my nose, I can feel it. And there are times when I feel insecure about it. And maybe that makes me a terrible person because there are people out there with serious deformities and here I am, fussing about something so unimportant.

But I just... There just are some moments when I feel low... I feel vulnerable...

It's nothing. It's nothing. There's no way Sasuke would ever think of it as a flaw.

He isn't that type of a person.

I don't feel like going to bed yet. So, I turn my laptop on and play Tangled. It's one of the few romantic movies that I love. Somehow it doesn't make love look like an absolute bullshit, impossible fairy tale stuff that only stupid kids dream of.

My favourite part is towards the end, when Eugene is dying and he says, "Rapunzel, you were my new dream," and a crying Rapunzel replies, "And you were mine."

This scene always makes me feel so warm and maybe a little, just a little, jealous. That _I want what they have_ kind. But as I watch this scene today, it feels very different. It still remains my favourite. But with a different meaning now.

.

.

.

"You guys, I have something to tell you," as soon as three pairs of eyes look my way, I feel all my confidence slipping away.

I have to do it now. I have to tell them. Ino and Sai. But Sai is hardly the problem here. It's Ino I'm worried about.

"What is it?" Ino raises an eyebrow as she takes a bite of her sandwich.

"I..." I feel my mouth going dry, "Well... You see... I... "

Why is it so difficult? And the more I fumble, the higher Ino's eyebrow rises.

"What did you do, forehead? You're scaring me now."

Say something, Sakura. _Anything_.

"She confessed her feelings to Sasuke. And it turns out that he likes her back," Shikamaru drops the bomb while nonchalantly sipping his coffee.

What?

What was that? Wasn't he supposed to be my ally?

"She WHAT?" Ino almost jumps from her chair.

"You had feelings for Sasuke?" Sai's attack comes at the same time.

Can I just run away? This isn't AT ALL going the way I wanted it to.

"Seriously, Saura?" Ino shakes her head. "I can't believe you."

"And you were aware of this?" Sai points towards Shikamaru.

Yes Sai! Go get him. That traitor!

"She told me just a few days ago," Shikamaru scratches his head.

"How long ago?" Ino frowns.

"Not _that_ long. Just last week. Why are you guys attacking me? _She_ is the one who kept it from you," Shikamaru protests.

"And you helped her," Ino accuses him.

Within moments, our table is a complete chaos. I see the people around us look this way!

Is this what I get for keeping it from my friends?

Forgive me Sasuke. Sorry for dragging you into this mess and turning you into a topic of gossip around the campus for next two weeks.

"Hey... you guys."

Naruto's intervention puts an end to the fight, much to my relief.

But! Hold on!

He saw us in the locker room yesterday!

While we were… kissing. I feel my cheeks heating up, this is embarrassing.

"Sakura, do you know anything about Sasuke's whereabouts?"

Eh? Sasuke's whereabouts?

"Not particularly."

Why does Naruto sound so serious? He looks kinda… like something's bothering him.

"No. I mean, I didn't try to know," I've been busy since this morning. I was going to talk to him later. "Isn't he supposed to be practicing with you?"

"No. He had that match yesterday. Today is his off day," Naruto pauses for a while and scans our faces. And I don't like the look in his eyes. "The thing is... His elder brother passed away this morning. I saw it in the news. I immediately rushed to his room," he looks me straight in the eye, "But as I had expected, he wasn't there. His motorcycle is gone. And his phone is out of service too. I bet he's doing it intentionally."

* * *

What?!

I sit up straight. All sleepiness gone in an instant.

Uchiha Itachi?

As in my brother Uchiha Itachi?

He's dead?

What the?

It's simply impossible. Out of question.

I mean, I just talked to him last night. It hasn't even been twenty four hours. How can he be... dead? Just like that?

This has to be fake. The headline says 'reportedly' dead. Reportedly. They're not even sure. What do they think they're doing?

I search the news section.

There's just this one stupid article. Just one. This surely is fake. It has to be. Cause there's no way. No way.

But I still read it. It says he was retrieved from his flat at around 9:00 in the morning. Apparently he tried to take his own life.

Hold on.

This doesn't make any sense.

 _Nothing_ about it does. Itachi, of all people, trying to commit suicide? Are you fucking kidding me?

I search again. This time, there's another article. Another 'reported' death. What's wrong with the media these days? Do they no longer care about verifying a news before posting it? All they care about is drawing people's attention. They'll publish anything that'd sell.

Then, there's another one popping up. I search frantically for an article stating the truth.

But am I really looking for the 'truth'?

Or am I trying my best to run away from it? I'm _not_ looking for an article that gives a more detailed description of what I already read. No. What I'm looking for is an article that refutes all the other ones that keep showing up in my news feed one after another. Just one article will do, just one that says it was just a misunderstanding, a hoax. That Itachi is still alive. He's in a critical condition, but he's alive. That's all I need.

But I don't find it anywhere.

Instead, more articles confirming his death keep appearing.

How did it happen?

How could it happen?

I find myself starting to accept that it _did_ happen. The latest articles are no longer using the word 'reportedly'. They're blatantly saying that Uchiha Itachi has been found dead.

How did it happen? Itachi? I just talked to him last night. He's dead?

And... suicide? Not an accident or anything like that. He killed himself?

Why?

All my life, I've envied him. For being so sure about what he wanted, for being so hard working and for having everyone's acknowledgement. He had it all. He had everything one could possibly ask for. And... he was twenty four. Just twenty four. Too young to be that successful. Too young to die. Wasn't he?

 _Was_. I'm already thinking of him in past tense. I think I'm slowly getting accustomed to the idea that he's no longer alive.

What was I doing while he was killing himself? Sleeping peacefully. Totally unaware of what was going on.

If only I had known.

If only I had known.

Even if I had known, was there anything I could've done to stop him?

Maybe I could have. Or maybe not. But at least I wouldn't have been able to sleep so soundly. That much I know for sure.

I check the time. 11:03. Naruto will find out about this soon. Everyone will. It's just a matter of time. And then they'll come here, to ask me stupid questions, to console me, to offer me their condolences.

I want no part of it.

I have to leave.

As I stand up, I feel my legs shaking. Same with my arms. They are shaking terribly. My whole body is. And I can literally hear my heart beating. I try to walk, my legs wobble. I hold onto the wall to support myself.

* * *

Sasuke has an elder brother?

Or more accurately, Sasuke _had_ an elder brother? I've never heard of him. Well, it's not a surprise. To be honest, we hardly know anything about each other.

"How did he…?" If he was Sasuke's older brother, then he'd have been too young to die.

Naruto hesitates before finally saying, "Suicide."

Oh no!

That's horrible! I suddenly feel bad for Sasuke's brother whom I've never met in my life. He killed himself. That's all I know about him right now. What might have happened? Why did he have to take such a drastic measure?

And… Sasuke.

He doesn't show his emotions. But that doesn't mean they're not there. Not at all. I know him. He's just bad at expressing his feelings.

That's also why he's going to hurt more. He's going to suffer inside, all by himself, without letting anyone know.

I take out my phone and try calling him. I know it's no use, but still.

I feel a sense of helplessness and desperation.

What do I do now?

Where did he go? Is he alright? How do I reach him?

Sasuke...

Okay. I need to calm down first.

Calm down, Sakura. Don't panic.

"What do we do now?" Naruto sounds somewhat lost.

"I guess… nothing."

Yeah. I mean, what can we possibly do?

"What?!" Naruto exclaims, "What do you mean nothing?"

"Right now, we _cannot_ do anything, Naruto. Do you know where he might be?"

"No."

"Neither do I. Do you know anyone who might have any idea?"

"No." He sounds very exhausted all of a sudden.

"Me neither. So, we can't really do anything. And the thing is, Sasuke left intentionally. Right? He wants to be left alone."

"But…"

"Naruto, we all have our own ways of coping. And as Sasuke's friend, you know what he is like. You can only help someone who's ready to accept your help. If you're forcing your kindness upon someone, it's no longer kindness. It's cruelty."

Naruto looks up at me.

"Trust me, Naruto. I'm worried about him. I really am. I _do_ want to help him. But he isn't ready for it yet," I take his hand in mine and hold it tight, "First, he has to help himself. And once he does that, he will come to us. Let's wait for that moment. Okay? Let's give him some time."

* * *

I put the motorcycle on third gear. I have no idea where I'm going. And I don't care. All I can think of is Itachi. His face, his sharp nose, his deep black eyes and long straight black hair, the serious look he always wore on his face. It had been a while since I last saw him. We're both busy. But I can still remember everything so vividly. As if I just saw him yesterday.

I stop the bike to take a look around.

Where am I?

I have no idea how long I've been riding. I have come out of Konoha, that much I can tell. It looks like a small town.

I'm hungry. I didn't have either breakfast or lunch. I need to eat something.

I get inside a general store and randomly grab a cup of instant noodles. It's one of my least favourite foods but right now, I couldn't care less. I just need something to fill my empty stomach. I add hot water to it and sit at one of the cheap plastic tables outside the store.

I take a look around me. This place isn't exactly crowded but there are a few people on the street. To me, they look like they belong to some different species from a different planet. Because they're not like me. Nothing like me. I've just lost someone. They haven't. And that makes me feel like I'll never be like them ever again. It'll never be the same. I feel like this damage is going to be permanent.

We were once a family of four. Not your typical happy family. But still. Not a typical dysfunctional family either. That bond, that one family feeling, it was kind of damaged after my mother's death. Since she was the one holding us together. And with Itachi gone now, it's just me and my father.

What's going to happen of us? The two of us don't share anything akin to 'family bonds'. We're father and son, yes, but in name only. Practically, we're complete strangers to each other.

Itachi's death is going to change a lot of things. In the family and at the Hospital. I have absolutely no idea how things are going to work out.

But for some reason, I can't get mad at Itachi either. Instead, I'm feeling sorry for him.

.

.

.

As I lie down on the uncomfortable bed in the rented motel room, I think about my last conversation with Itachi. This time yesterday he was talking to me and now he's gone. Just like that.

He had it all planned. Everything. That's why he was acting so weird yesterday. That's why he was being so nice, so... brother like. He knew it was the last time he'd ever have a conversation with me. That bastard.

I switch on my phone to check our last conversation. And it's instantly flooded with notifications.

I re-read our chat from last night.

His last message: 'Anyway. All the best, little brother. Take care. And goodbye.'

Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

If only I had known. If only…

I have a ton of missed calls from Naruto.

I'm not in the mood for his loud whining yet. He's a great friend and I really appreciate having a friend like him but he simply doesn't get the idea that I can't always communicate my feelings. It's not because I don't want to. It's because I don't know how to do it. And that during those moments, I need to be left on my own.

There's a few from my cousin as well. I have absolutely no reason to get in touch with him. Now that Itachi is dead, he's most likely to inherit the hospital. I _do_ _n't_ give two shits about things like that.

I won't attend Itachi's funeral. I've already made my decision. It'll be a funeral arranged by my father and my uncle and my cousin and all the people from the hospital. It'll be the funeral of Uchiha Itachi, the heir to the Uchiha Medical Institution. It'll not be the funeral of Uchiha Itachi, my elder brother.

I will visit him later. When there's no-one else to disturb us. No camera trying to capture exactly how much tears Uchiha Itachi's little brother sheds at his beloved elder brother's funeral.

My sentiments for Itachi are mine and mine only. It's between the two of us. No-one else needs to know.

There's one missed call from Sakura as well.

Sakura.

It was just yesterday that we confessed our feelings to each other. And here I am. Running away from everything, including her the very next day.

But I'm not trying to run away from her. Not really. I'm just... trying to run away from the pain and the loss. Because it's too much, it's too much for me to take.

Does she understand that? Or does she think it's her I'm trying to push away? If only I was better at expressing myself.

She also sent me a text.

 _'I know you're not okay. Just be safe, Sasuke. Please. Right now, that's all I ask you to do.'_

That's all she has written. It surprises me how short her text is. And yet, how much she conveyed, how effectively she reached out to me through those few words.

She's telling me that she isn't mad at me for running away without notice. That she understands why I'm doing this. That she knows I'm not okay. She's not trying to barge in, she's asking me to take the time I need. She's just asking me to be safe.

How does she understand me that much?

"I'm safe," I give her a short reply. Honestly, I feel like she deserves a little more of an explanation, but right now, it's all I can give her.

.

.

.

As I open my eyes the next morning, the first thought to cross my mind is that Itachi is no longer a part of this world. This is my first morning waking up knowing that for a fact. There will be another morning like this tomorrow and then another and another. These mornings will pile up. And one day, they will outnumber the mornings I woke up knowing he was alive.

And it feels strange.

I'll grow older. Hopefully I'll live for five more years and I'll be twenty four. Like he was. Then I'll overtake him. Maybe I'll live to be thirty four, or forty four. But he'll remain twenty four for ever.

I check my phone. There's a new text from Sakura; ' _Thank you for replying, Sasuke. We were really worried. Take your time. Just know that when you're ready to come back, I'll be here. So will be Naruto and although you are not very fond of them, my friends will be here too. Be safe.'_

 _"Thank you,"_ is all I can say for reply.

I also have a text from Naruto.

 _'Sakura told me you're okay. I wasn't so sure when she told me to give you some time. But turns out, she was right. Come back to us safely, Bastard.'_

 _'I will.'_

Everywhere today, Itachi's death is the headline. He committed suicide. He left a short note. _'I'm tired.'_ Just that. Just two words.

How badly was he suffering? For how long? I want to hate myself for being jealous of him. I thought he had everything one needs. I had accused him of being happy.

Honestly speaking, I never expected I'd be this much affected by his departure. But that's actually because I never tried to imagine him leaving. Ever. I had no idea he'd want to.

I want to cry. I really do. I know it'll make me feel better. Even if it's only a little bit. But my tears refuse to come. Instead, it remains as a lump of pain inside my chest.

I never knew Itachi was so precious to me. That the hollow left by his departure would be this big.

I look around my cheap motel room. It's dark, gloomy. I haven't opened the windows. And I don't want to. I want to remain in this darkness for a while. Because I'm not sure I belong to the world of light any more.

I don't leave the room even once. And before I know it, it's evening again. I don't even feel like switching on the lights.

Right now, darkness seems like a friend. Because someone very dear to me resides there.

He is far away. The distance between us is huge now. We've never been near each other, but at least we belonged to the same world. And now we don't. He went far away, too far away. It's not a distance I can traverse anymore.

Or can I not?

Is it that difficult? Itachi did it. He has always been the braver one. That's why he did it first even though I attempted it long ago. Even here, he managed to beat me. But I can follow. Right now, it seems really easy. Because Itachi has already pulled me closer to the boundary of life and death. Right now, I'm equally away from each realm. And I have the freedom to decide which one I want to travel to.

There's a notification from my phone.

Sakura.

 _'I'm waiting for you, Sasuke. Whenever you're ready, come back.'_

She's waiting.

Sakura is waiting. Can I leave her like that? Can I really do that to her?

.

.

.

This morning, it's feels somewhat easier. The idea of living in a world devoid of Itachi. But it's still strange. For all the nineteen years that I've been living, he has always been there. It's hard to accept that he no longer is. It'll take some time.

 _'I'm going to uni. In case you decide to come back and I'm not in my flat, I'm leaving my key inside the carton Electron, Proton and Neutron sleeps in. It's behind the stairs on the ground floor. I'll be back as soon as my classes are over.'_

She believes I'll come back. She believes I'll choose the world she's a part of, the world of the living. How can she be so sure of it when I myself am not?

.

.

.

It's my second afternoon inside a dark room that's barred away from the outside world. I see news of Itachi's funeral. There are several video clips. I see my father, my uncle, my aunt, my cousin and my other family members. I am the only one who isn't there.

 _'I'm back. I can see you're not here yet.'_

 _Yet._

Again. How does she know that I'll _ever_ be there?

.

.

.

 _'It's Sunday, Sasuke. It's been a week since you left. I hope you return soon. I'm missing you. But I'm not asking you to rush. Take all the time you need. I love you.'_

Sunday. Today is Sunday. Last Sunday I was with her. We confessed our feelings. We started... something. I'm not sure what it was but we had just started it. I can't leave it just like that.

I look around myself. How long am I going to sit alone in a dark room, detached from everything? How long am I going to hold onto a dead person?

 _Dead_ person.

I know that sounds rude. But it is true. Itachi is dead now.

But _I_ am... still living. Yes, I am. And I want to continue living.

I'm sorry Itachi. I'm choosing a girl I've known for a few days over you. Over my own brother. Do you think I'm horrible?

But I belong to the world of the living. I need to see more of that world. I don't think I'm ready to leave yet.

I open the door and step out of the claustrophobic room. I stand on the balcony and look at the sky. Seeing sunlight after so many days almost hurts my eyes. It's past afternoon. The sun is setting. The whole area is painted in a bright orange light.

The world is beautiful.

The world of the living is beautiful. I want to spend some more time here.

And someday my time here would be over anyway. That's inevitable. But I hope that day doesn't come anytime soon. Because I have things I want to do. A lot of things.

I might be taking a risk. I'm completely aware of it. I lost mother. I suffered then. I still suffer from that up to this very day. Losing you just added to that pain.

What if someday I lose _her_ as well?

Maybe it was better if I didn't get involved with her in the first place. But it's too late now. I'm already involved. And it's not like I did it intentionally. By the time I realised it, she was already very precious to me.

So, even if I end up getting hurt because of it someday, I can't let her go now. I'll take the risk. I want to be with her. I am _choosing_ her.

For now, I'll let go of you, Itachi. Because from this point onwards, our worlds are no longer the same. Someday we'll meet again, when my time comes. Till then, it's goodbye. I'm letting go of you with all the love I have.

I'll remember you. Maybe not everything. Because it sounds easy now. But as years will keep passing, I'll keep forgetting. Without even knowing _what_ I'm forgetting. I'll forget the details. That's for sure. Memories that are vivid now, will become blurry someday. But I'll not forget the feelings. That much I can promise.

I'll remember you teaching me how to ride a bicycle. The park near the riverbank. Now that I think about it, it was a similar scenery. The sun was setting and there was this same orange light. And we were laughing. You were running after me as I was trying my best to keep my balance.

I had told you that you'd make a great father. I had meant it. I still believe you would've made a great father.

And look how strange life is! I had never imagined myself as a father. But somehow my life has taken an unexpected turn without me noticing. And right now, I'm not saying that someday I will become one, but the idea no longer seems as absurd as it once did.

What does the future hold? I don't know. But I'm eager to find out.

I pay my bills and get on my motorcycle. I know it'll be really late but I can't wait any longer. I've wasted an entire week. I can't waste another day.

* * *

It's getting harder to wait any longer. But my hands are tied. I can't do anything. I should let Sasuke have the time he needs. I have to wait until he's ready even though I'm really worried about him. He can look really tough, but emotionally, he's very fragile. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid. And the worst part is that there's not much I can do about it. Sasuke isn't someone who can be forced to do something. He'll only do what he himself feels like doing. If I'm aggressive, he'll retreat. I have to be very gentle with him.

That's why I've been sending him texts throughout the entire time. Letting him know that I'm here. I'm not knocking impatiently at his door, but I'm waiting patiently on the other side. As soon as he feels like it's time for him to open it, I'll be there, waiting for him.

Did he get my message?

He will come back to me. Right?

.

.

.

As I'm working on my laptop, I remember once again that it's Sunday. A week since he was here and we talked about our feelings for each other. That was the last time I saw him.

When will I ever see him again?

It's 10:43 when my doorbell rings. Not exactly a time for someone to visit me. But I know who it is.

I rush to the door. And as I throw it open, he's standing right in front of me.

Sasuke.

I fling my arms around him. I hold him tight with all the strength I can muster.

He's here. His T-shirt is cold. He's been riding his motorcycle for a while. But his body underneath it is warm. I can feel the warmth against my body. And it tells me he's real. He's right here with me. In my arms. I try to hold onto him tighter. I place my forehead against his hard chest. I can listen to his heartbeat. Another testament that he's real.

I can smell him. His familiar scent filling up my nostrils. It's not the smell of a perfume or any other toiletry, it's the smell of Sasuke. A smell I've started to associate with home without ever noticing.

"Welcome back, Sasuke," I murmur as I snuggle even closer to him.

He remains still for a while. Then he slowly frees his arms from my embrace. I look up at him, trying to figure out if he's asking me to let go already.

But he takes me by surprise. He puts them around me, pulling me back to him once again. Holding me tightly yet very gently.

I feel him pressing his nose against my hair and smelling it. Then, very slowly, very gently, almost in a whisper, he says, "I'm back."

* * *

 **Note:** I wrote this chapter based on my own experience when a certain person committed suicide. It wasn't someone I knew personally but still, it affected me badly. I always saw that person as someone very successful and all, one of those who look like they have everything and it just seemed impossible that they, of all people might want to end their life. I spent day after day locked in the room, and I could feel myself drifting away from life, from light, bit by bit. I still remember the nightmares and terrifying sleep paralysis attacks from back then. It sucked. Seriously. I kinda owe it to my brothers and sister that I got out of that mess.

 ** _Add on note (like add on pizza toppings):_** I'm trying to update more frequently now because people are locked inside and don't have much to do. For now, have an edited chapter from an old fic. Next one will be a new update I promise.

With lots of love,

June ❤️

[Re-posted on 26.03.2020]


	11. Love

We stand there, at my door, holding onto each other like we are the only thing we know in this world. As moments pass, to me it becomes clearer that Sasuke isn't going to make a move to let me go. So, I finally remove my head from his chest, looking up at him.

"Sasuke?"

Without uttering a word, he just lets his tired gaze meet mine.

"It's late. How long are you planning to stand outside?"

Given the standard rules, it's already too late for him to return to his dorm. But considering his current circumstances, I think he'd still be able to get inside.

But the thing is... That's not where he decided to go. Instead, he came here. He came to _me_.

So, it isn't me getting too ahead of myself if I assume _this_ is where he wants to be, right? Here. With me. After all, I promised to be there for him. It's only natural that he turned up at my door.

Sasuke gets inside without saying anything. I shut the door behind us.

"Did you eat dinner?" Although I'm sure he didn't.

He shakes his head slightly, confirming my suspicion.

"I have soup in the fridge. How about some soup and rice? If you don't like it, I _can_ make you something else but... that'd take some time. It's already late."

"Soup and rice is fine," he finally says.

There's something odd about the way he speaks. He sounds too tired, too confused, too broken and… too distant.

I feel this desperate urge inside me, to do something, anything, to make him feel better, to take away his pain. And yet, I don't know how I can possibly do that. It's fucking frustrating!

"Then I'll heat it up," I try to give him a warm smile, the least I can do is make him feel at ease, "Why don't you get washed up in the meantime?"

He stares at me for a few full minutes, then says "Okay" so softly that I actually have to strain my ears to hear it.

By the time Sasuke returns to the living room, I've arranged his dinner. I added a quick omelette to the menu, with some sausages I had in the fridge.

"Eat up," I offer him a smile.

He sits down on the couch, without a word. And I stand there. Watching him move like a zombie, lifeless and only driven by some sort of instinct.

There's so much I want to ask him. Way too many questions jostling in my brain. But it's not time for that yet. Yes, he has come back. Physically at least. But it doesn't necessarily imply that he's ready for it emotionally. So, strangling the loud voices inside my head, I just watch him in silence as he eats slowly. Feeling grateful that now, he's at least in front of my eyes. I no longer have to be worried sick thinking about where he is and how he's doing.

Sasuke stops eating and looks up at me, having noticed me staring.

"How is it?"

"Good," he says in a flat tone.

"That's great to know. You finish eating then. I'll go make the bed," I tell him although I don't believe he's actually capable of judging if a food tastes good or not. And I doubt he even remembers what he's eating.

I go to the bedroom and clean up my bed. Changing the bedsheet and fluffing the pillows a little.

"Sakura," he calls from outside the door while I'm at it.

"Come in."

He really is a gentleman. Not entering my bedroom without asking for my permission first.

"You're tired. Get some sleep."

He looks at the bed. Then at me. Then back at the bed again. Confusion written all over his face.

"What's wrong?"

"It's…" he looks at me once again, "It's... your bed."

"I know that already," I laugh. But his gaze is just as serious as ever. "I'm letting you sleep on my bed. How about that?"

He just stares at me. As if it's the most unbelievable thing he has ever heard.

I get it. Under normal circumstances, it shouldn't be taken so casually. Inviting a guy to sleep in your bed. I know the implications, the crossing the lines stuff, yeah. But given the situation, _and given it's Sasuke_ , I think it's totally fine?

"You need rest, Sasuke. This is the only bed I have."

"Where are you going to sleep?"

"The couch."

"No," he says firmly.

Huh?

"Stay," he says after a while, this time looking down, refusing to meet my eyes.

Stay?

As in?

Stay in the room?

Stay on the bed with him?

"Stay," he finally looks up at me. "Please." The way his voice shakes, he has never looked so vulnerable. It's the real him, I realise in this moment. He wears this tough exterior, like it's his skin. But the Sasuke standing in front me right now, looking at me with pleading eyes, he's just a boy. A boy, scarred and broken, he's hurting, he's suffering and...

He's asking for my help.

"Of course Sasuke. I'll be here with you if that will make you feel better."

He falls asleep pretty fast. He's tired. Both physically and emotionally. I gently, very gently run my fingers through his dark black and unexpectedly soft hair. He looks so innocent, so peaceful, sleeping next to me like this. The sky-high walls he generally has up around himself gone, vanished. It feels different. He almost feels like a different person but at the same time, he doesn't. He's the same old Sasuke I have always known.

.

.

.

When I feel Sasuke sit up on the bed with a violent jerk, I get up as well.

"What's wrong, Sasuke? Are you alright?" my words come out like a scream I can't control.

He looks at me. Eyes wide, and… He's shaking. There's sweat covering his forehead.

"What happened?" I place a hand on his cheek, another one on his shoulder, "Was it a nightmare?"

He nods.

"Here, have some water," I offer him the bottle from the table.

He takes a few gulps. Then, calms down to some extent.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about? That might help you feel a little better."

He looks at me for a while. His gaze so blank, it frightens me.

"...darkness... a forest... fog... and there was…" he stops for a while as he looks at me helplessly, "death... It was death... I know it was death," he shakes his head violently. "He was... chasing after me... I was trying to run away, I was... But I couldn't move... My legs won't move," he clutches my hand with both of his.

"It's okay now," I pull him into an embrace, "You're here right now. You're with me. That was just a bad dream. A dream. You're safe, Sasuke, I'm right here with you," I hold him as tightly as I can.

It takes a while for him to stop shaking. I'm on the verge of tears by then, feeling utterly helpless and frustrated.

"You're alright, Sasuke," I say again, softly. As if chanting a spell. Then, slowly, very slowly, I remove myself from him.

"Now, let's go back to sleep. Okay?"

"NO," he almost shouts.

"What? Why?"

"I'll see it again."

What?

"Sasuke… have you been having this nightmare all this time?"

He nods.

Oh goodness!

 _This_ is what he's been going through all this time? Without anyone to comfort him?

"But it's different now," I hold his face in my hands, "Look, _I_ am here with you. You're no longer alone. _I_ will be watching over you. The moment I feel like you're hurting, I'll wake you up. I promise. I promise, Sasuke..." My voice almost breaks in the end.

When he goes back to sleep, he holds onto my hand tightly. So tightly that it almost hurts.

* * *

By the time I open my eyes the next morning, Sakura has already disappeared from the bed. Where is she? Did she leave for class already?

But I find her in the kitchen instead. In her shorts and a thin cotton T-shirt.

"Oh? You're up already? Good morning," she greets me with a bright smile, glowing in the morning light.

"Morning."

Then, like stumbling upon something out of the blue, I remember about Itachi. And I'm baffled because it's the first time since that day when it wasn't the _first_ thing on my mind the moment I opened my eyes in the morning.

"I'm having cereal for breakfast. Do you want some? Or do you want something else?"

"Cereal is fine."

"All right, we're going another bowl of cereal," she says cheerfully as she takes a sip from her coffee mug.

"Do you take sugar with your tea?" she asks, turning back to me.

"No."

"And milk?"

"No."

"That's totally like you," she giggles happily.

"I didn't expect you to be up already. You didn't sleep well last night," she says while boiling the water for my tea.

"Neither did you."

The nightmares kept invading my sleep all through the night, and every time it did, Sakura woke me up. And held me close. I doubt she slept _at all._

"Oh?" she turns around and smiles. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

.

.

.

"Don't you have classes?" I finally ask her as we eat breakfast.

"I skipped today."

"Why?"

"Hn?" she raises an eyebrow, "Because I have someone to take care of," she finishes with a smirk.

Of course I hate that she's going such lengths for me. But at the same time, there's a part of me, the selfish part that puts me before anyone else and thinks in terms of me, is happy. Way too happy.

"You know Sasuke, you can talk to me," she reaches out her hand and holds mine, "About anything."

I'm not one to buy words like that. Talk to me, huh? Open up to me. Show me your inner self, your true self, with all your vulnerabilities. These are not the type of requests you should comply with.

Right?

Right?

"Itachi… My brother… I talked to him that night. But... I didn't understand," I look down at the bowl in my hand, with soggy cereal soaked in milk, "I felt that he was being weird, but I just couldn't..."

"It's only natural that you're blaming yourself," she moves closer to me, "But Sasuke, you didn't know what he was thinking. If you had any idea, you would have done everything in your power to help him." Her grip on my hand becomes stronger.

We stay like that for a few moments. Neither of us speaking a word. Then, she slowly lets go of my hand.

"Did you say goodbye to him properly?"

I look at her. Finding that question a little strange. But Sakura's eyes have already left me. She's staring somewhere that isn't in front of her eyes.

"Did you say goodbye to him, Sasuke?"

"Yes," I did write a 'bye'. I don't know if that counts as a _proper_ one.

"You know Sasuke, what my one and only regret in life is?" she exhales audibly, as if she's tired, exhausted, "The last time I visited my Granny, I was mad at my mother about something stupid. And because of that, while leaving, I didn't say goodbye to her. I wanted everyone to know I was angry," she stops for a while. "When she passed away a month later, that used to haunt me all the time. All the damn time. I just couldn't stand it, I wanted to ask her to forgive me, but she wasn't there," her voice becomes heavy, "Thinking about her used to make me feel guilty, feel horrible."

She finally looks at me. A smile on her face. A smile so painful, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

"But, in the end, I told myself that she wouldn't like it. Not at all. She wouldn't want to stay in my life as a memory that hurts me. If anything, she'd want to be my happy memory. So, I made myself believe that she forgave me. After all, she loved me. It was only after that that I was able to overcome the pain. Later, I started to pretend like she had become my Guardian Angel. I often talk to her, you know? Not in my mind. I actually speak out loud. I tell her how my day was and everything, I tell her things I can't tell anybody else."

She looks down at her lap. Her fingers playing with the handle of the spoon.

"And you know, to me, it doesn't really feel like she's dead. I mean, of course there are times when I miss her terribly. But although I haven't seen her in almost thirteen years now, the bond I shared with her, it's still there. She's still alive. I've kept her alive in my heart."

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that. And to be honest, I'm not sure everything she's saying even makes sense. So, I just keep quiet.

"But... You know... I'm never going to get over the fact that I was rude to her during our last meeting. So, I try not to think about it. Whenever I think about Granny, I try to think about the good things, the happy moments," she sighs, "Because, unlike what people say, not all wounds heal with time. Some are permanent, they remain. Forever. And every time you touch them, they hurt just as bad. But as time passes, you figure out how to live without touching them. It's like a survival strategy."

She lifts her face to look at me. Reaching out her hand to hold mine once again.

"A part of you might always feel guilty for not understanding your brother's sufferings. But don't let it turn him into a source of pain for you. I've never met him but I don't think he'd want that."

And that's when it finally gets into my brain.

Of course!

Of course!

Of fucking course!

She's right! She's damn right!

I was a fool. I was such a fool! I remember bits of our last conversation.

 _'Don't be too harsh on yourself.'_

Yes! The answer was always there. Itachi himself had given it to me. I was such an idiot that I didn't even notice.

 _'_ _All the best, little brother._ _'_

I finally get it!

He wanted me to live, he wanted me to be happy. He never wanted me to follow after him.

"Sasuke?"

"Can you... let me stay here for a few days?" I immediately clarify that I don't have any ulterior motives. "I… just don't want to be alone."

I'm not ready yet.

"Of course, Sasuke," Sakura smiles like it's no big deal, "You can stay here as long as you want."

The doorbell rings, cutting our conversation.

"That must be Naruto."

"Naruto?"

"I called him this morning. He's been really worried about you."

I don't doubt that even for a second. I know very well how much he cares for me.

.

.

.

Since I don't want everyone in the dorm to find out I'm living with Sakura, I ask Naruto to bring me some clothes from my room. He complies without any protest.

But I'm sure he's going to tease the hell out of me later. I wonder how many bowls of ramen he's going to blackmail me into buying.

It finally sinks in. Now that the clutch of death around my throat feels a lot lighter than it did barely twenty four hours ago, all thanks to Sakura, I can see things more clearly and consider all their implications.

I'm here, I'm going to live with Sakura for a while. We'll be sharing her small flat which includes sleeping on the same bed. I'm a guy and she's a girl and we also kind of have a thing going between us. It's mutual at least that's a relief but there's a lot we still need to discuss and all of this feels so rushed but frankly, for me, I don't really have a choice.

Falling asleep knowing she's right here by my side, waking up to see her preparing breakfast in the kitchen, cooking and eating with her, doing the chores, all of it, all of it makes me feel at ease.

There are demons inside my head who try to threaten me, to torment me, to make me suffer in the most horrible ways. I fear them. I fear them like a little boy fears the monster under his bed. I _don't_ want to face them. I can't. And being with Sakura somehow manages to keep them away.

I watch Sakura. She fell asleep, the sketchbook still in her hands, her head tilting to the side in a way that looks really uncomfortable to me. So, I carefully, very carefully as to not wake her up, walk to her side and shift her head a little. Supporting it with a pillow. And take the sketchbook out of her hands. There's only some scribbles on it, she said she was planning out her next work.

"Mmmm," she makes a soft sound at my intervention and then curls up, like a little kitten and goes back to sleep.

For a while, I just stand there watching her sleep. She looks so peaceful, so comfortable. It makes a smile appear on my lips.

 _'_ _I think I'm in love with you._ _'_

Her words from that night flash into my mind.

Back then, my head was a complete mess. I was one hundred percent sure she was mad at me for doing something I had no right to do. So hearing her confession, the first thing I had felt was relief. This immense sense of relief washing over me.

 _So, she isn't mad at me. She isn't kicking me out. She wasn't crying because she felt like I violated her._

 _I haven't hurt her._

I hadn't hurt her. At that moment, that was more important to me than anything else. I didn't want to be the reason she was crying.

She told me she loves me and at that time, I don't think my brain could process it that well. And then, because of the events that followed, I never got the chance to delve into it. So, now I take my time.

What does she mean when she says she loves me?

She cares about me. But I too, care about her. So, does that mean I love her as well? Is loving and caring the same thing?

How is she so sure that _love_ is the exact emotion she feels towards me? How do you pin it down that precisely?

Sakura moves in her sleep and turns her face to me.

A few pink strands have escaped the messy knot on top of her head. She's wearing a red hairband to push the hair away from her forehead. Making her fringe stick up in a funny way. I notice that her pink eyelashes are really long and thick. Her nose is kind of… cute? I never imagined myself using that word but there are many other things I never imagined myself doing until... Sakura happened.

It makes me chuckle a little.

My eyes fall upon her lips. Her lips. They're kind of… what is the correct word?

Hnnn-

Yes!

Kissable.

And all of a sudden, I want to kiss her. I remember what it had felt like. Having my lips on hers. My first kiss.

Was it her first kiss as well?

I know she didn't have any boyfriend before. But has she kissed? I mean, she's nineteen. But, so am I. I haven't kissed anyone before. I know she's good looking and popular but I kinda satisfy those conditions as well.

Maybe I'll just ask her. Or maybe not. Because it doesn't really matter. It'd be great if I was her first. But even if that isn't the case, I'm glad she was my first.

And most likely my last. I doubt I'll ever kiss anyone else.

I mean, so far I was certain I'd never be able to kiss anybody. That type of intimacy seemed impossible for me. I can't do these things just to fool around. If I'm not comfortable with someone, I can't stand being anywhere near them.

But then, I met Sakura. I don't know; what on earth exactly happens when you meet a certain someone?

I was always too busy to be wasting my time thinking about girls. I strongly believed that the only thing that mattered to me was my goals. What I never imagined was that one day a girl will appear in my life and end up turning into one of those goals.

And look at me now.

I want to kiss her so bad.

But she's sleeping.

Screw it.

I lean my head forward, brushing my lips against hers as lightly as I can cause I don't want to wake her up.

But she stirs a little. And I almost jump away from her.

What was that? Why am I acting like I was caught stealing something?

Please don't wake up!

Please. Don't.

I have no idea how to handle the situation that'll follow if you do.

Please.

And I watch her eyelids fluttering open.

Fantastic!

She blinks a few times before sitting up. Her eyes on me.

"Did you... just kiss me?"

I feel my face heating up.

Damn it!

But since there's no running away now, let's face this like a real man.

"Ah," I try my best to sound confident. No unnecessary elaborations. That only makes it look like you're trying really hard to convince others.

"Why'd you do that when I'm sleeping?"

Wait, she's mad at me? But her pout is kind of-

"I want to feel it too, you know," she casts her gaze down. Her cheeks getting pink.

 _That's_ her problem?

Closing the distance in between, I grab her shoulders with both my hands. I pull her towards myself before plunging my lips into hers.

When our mouths finally part, Sakura is out of breath. And my lungs are feeling like they're about to burst open. I watch her. Her face is completely red, and she absolutely REFUSES to look anywhere near me. I find it adorable. To the point that I want to kiss her again. Just to see her all flustered. It feels great seeing how much effect I can have on her by doing something so simple.

* * *

"I've been thinking about what you said earlier," Sasuke suddenly speaks as I turn off the lamp beside my bed.

"What... are you talking about?"

"Itachi," he pauses for a moment, staring at the ceiling in the darkness, "In his last message, he said _all the best_ to me. Back then I thought it was because I told him I had something important to do. It was right before I came here that night."

"And what do you think of it now?"

"Maybe... it was his way of wishing me best for my life ahead."

"Hmm," I prop my head on my arm, "Makes sense actually. I think he wanted you to know that his good wishes will always be with you. Even when he himself no longer is."

"Ah."

Sasuke falls silent after that. I use this time to pull the blanket over myself.

"It's kind of like how it was with my mother."

What?!

His mother?

Don't tell me his mother committed suicide as well? I've heard these things can run in the family but...

I hesitate to press him. I don't want to open up any old wound. And I don't have to. Since he continues anyway.

"I… had a match that day. We talked in the morning. She was... very excited. She always was, about my matches," there's a certain softness, a warmth in his voice as he speaks of his mother. "After the match, when I checked my phone, there were many missed calls... from my father, my brother and several other family members. But I ignored them all. I first listened to a voice message that was from her," he pauses abruptly.

I reach out my hand and hold his. "You don't have to tell me if it hurts you," as curious as I am, I still can't be that selfish.

"No. I want to tell you." He latches his fingers with mine. Taking in a deep breath.

"She said she loves me. She's proud of me because I'm always working hard, always doing my best. I thought it was a little strange. She'd always call before and after my matches, but sending a voice message when I'm clearly on court, and she sounded somewhat... disturbed and... Anyway, I called Itachi and I found out."

"How did she…?" I can't bring myself to finish the sentence.

"Cardiac arrest."

Then, there's total silence in the room.

"She must've sensed something. That's why she sent me that message first. After that, she called my brother. But when he picked up the phone, she never responded."

All of a sudden, I can't find words.

"I've always blamed myself. For not being able to do a single thing for her. For not even being aware that she was suffering, breathing her last. She did so much for me, she gave me so much, and I couldn't do anything in return."

"You did. You just never realised."

"I never did," Sasuke sounds like he's frustrated, "Not a thing."

"You don't always have to go out of your way to do things for someone. When someone truly loves you, you can make them happy by doing something as simple as living."

He doesn't say anything but I see him turn his face towards me in the darkness my eyes are starting to get accustomed to.

"I completely understand why you feel guilty. From your point of view, you're a pathetic son who failed his mother. But if you think about it from her side, she was happy seeing you happy. She loved you _that_ much. That was the reason she sent you the message first. There's no way she'd have loathed you the way you're loathing yourself. I'm pretty sure she'd hate to see you blaming yourself like this."

Sasuke stares at me without saying anything. Making me feel a little uncomfortable. Was I too harsh?

But after a while, I hear him sigh. "I hope you are the one who's right."

"Even if I'm not, you're definitely wrong."

"Hn," he sounds like he's lost in his thoughts.

* * *

It's 6:30 when I wake up. Sakura is still asleep beside me. That nightmares finally gave me respite. I did wake up a few times last night but every time I did, seeing her by my side, her body warmth reaching me under the blanket, I managed to go back to sleep without much difficulty.

I take the liberty to make myself a cup of tea. She lets me sleep on her bed. I doubt she'll me using her kitchen.

Sakura appears there after a while. Greeting me with her usual warm smile, "Good morning."

"Hn."

"Come on! 'Hn' for good morning? Seriously?" she rolls her eyes before grabbing her toothbrush.

Then I see her laying out a light pink yoga mat on the floor of the living room.

"Now, Sasuke, some yoga poses can be really funny. If you laugh at me, I'll kick you out." And somehow that doesn't sound like an empty threat.

I know how funny yoga poses can be. But just to tease her, I reply again with a "Hn."

"Think you're too smart? I know you're doing it intentionally," she smirks and then starts her yoga.

.

.

.

"What are you going to do all day? I don't think I'll be back before six." She mouths a spoonful of cereal.

"I think I won't be here all day."

"Eh?"

"I'm thinking of going to visit Itachi's grave."

"Oh," she keeps silent for a while, "You didn't attend his funeral."

"You watched the news?"

"Of course I did, Sasuke. You disappeared just like that. I had no idea where you were, how you were doing, what you were thinking. I tried anything and everything to draw out even the smallest piece of information about you. Or at least I wanted to. But all I managed to get was your curt replies which pretty much didn't tell me anything. And it's not like you replied every time. And you know what the worst part was?" Sakura looks at me with green eyes full of rage.

I don't reply. I'm no good at guessing games.

"I had to pretend like I was okay with it. I couldn't shout at you like _'Hey, Sasuke, can't you see how much I'm suffering?'_ because I knew you were suffering so much more than me. I wanted to ask you so many things. I wanted to call you, to talk to you. I wanted to make sure you really were okay. Your replies did shit to give me any sense of relief. But I couldn't. Because knowing you, I knew that if I tried that, you'd simply block my number or something and I'd lose whatever little contact I had with you. As insignificant as it was, it was still better than nothing."

"You're mad at me."

"Trust me, I'm not."

I frown. Cause clearly, that's not at all what it looks like.

"I wanted to be. But how could I? You were in a pain I couldn't even begin to imagine. You weren't doing it to hurt me. You were just trying your best to handle the pain. I wasn't mad, Sasuke. I guess I was… frustrated. Very frustrated. Because I couldn't do a single thing to help you. Even though I wanted so bad."

Her honest words leave me at a loss for words.

"Damnit!" Sakura almost jumps from the couch, "I'll be late."

.

.

.

When she finally leaves, she's back to her normal cheerful self again. She gives me a light peck on the lips and says, "See you in the evening, roomie," with her characteristic bright smile. I stand at her door, bidding her goodbye as she leaves for class.

On second thought, I might be in _love_ with her too.

* * *

 **Note:** I'm really sorry for the delay. I took a too challenging resolution this year and continued to take it lightly till July. So, now while everyone is enjoying the holidays, I'm trying to make it work somehow while looking at the photos they're posting because it hurts my pride to just give up. But I really wanted to write a chapter for those of you who wait for my story. I thought of it as a holiday gift for my readers. So, I'm very glad I can publish this now, before the holidays are over.

I know it's late but I'm wishing you all a very happy festive season. Hope you're enjoying a lot.

 ** _Add on note:_** I don't expect new follows/favourites/reviews in this story since it's a re-post. But I'm still getting a few and I wanted to say thank you. But please don't feel pressured to leave me reviews I love reviews but I don't want them to come from a place of obligation. I want them to be a spontaneous reaction to my writing. And every reader is very important to me. Even the silent ones. Thank you all for reading my story. I love every single one of you.

Also, I made a tumblr (masami-aomame) hoping it'd help me interact with my readers more. Feel free to reach me there if you want to. Especially guest reviewers since I can't reach out to you here.

Lots of love,

June ❤️

[Re-posted on 31.05.2020]


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